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Where does anxiety begin – How do you treat it in therapy?

How are you doing?

Most of you have probably seen the recent post that went viral from Elmo asking the question “How are you doing?”… It is no surprise the number of responses the post attracted. This is one of the many ways Sesame Street seems to often understand what the world needs more than we often acknowledge!

Why were there so many responses to Elmo’s post? Elmo saw that simply asking others how they were feeling allowed the space for individuals to feel seen and express their true feelings. Most of us never pause long enough to have such a connection with others around us thru the day rather we are preoccupied with getting to our next destination or simply distracted with our own minds, phones, etc..

Another area where those on Sesame Street is often more evolved is in regard to their approach to Diversity Equity and Inclusion. Every character on Sesame Street connect accept each other despite differences in appearance, cultural background, temperament, skills, and gender.

Couples Therapy Dallas

Couples Therapist Kathryn McNeer, LPC Dallas, TX specializes in Couples Therapy Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless parents find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy. Marriage Counseling near me

On Sesame Street they know life needs to be FUN!

From taking a bath with a rubber ducky to singing the alphabet while sitting on a stoop…There is always fun to have on Sesame Street. We ALL need to find joy in our days . Having fun makes us more productive, optimistic, healthier, calmer, and overall happier.

On Sesame Street they know supporting each other benefits more than competing with each other. No matter what the game is or who the players are on Sesame Street everyone wants to support and build each other up rather than pushing others down to win. In life we often see the lack of authenticity and integrity that occurs when one is focused on winning no matter the cost.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Melanie Wendt is a Los Gatos Therapist specializing in Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos.
Do you have the feeling that you’re falling behind and can’t keep up with everything and everyone in Silicon Valley? Constant pressure to perform while managing relationships and family life can come with a price of poor mental health when not done intentionally and in balance. Finding your version of greatness is worth investing in. I use evidence-based techniques to help you find balance so that you can focus on what you set out to do without being overwhelmed by self-doubt and anxiety.
Therapist Near Me
Therapist Los Gatos, Melanie Wendt, M.A. M.Ed., LPCC, Licensed Therapist & Clinical Counselor practicing at 10 Jackson St., Suite 204, Los Gatos, CA 95030, Phone: 408-320-5554

On Sesame Street they know living mindfully is the healthiest way of living . Identification and acknowledgement of emotions is the norm on Sesame Street. Often in our world individuals fear feeling or acknowledging their emotions. Many numb with social media, substances, spending, and controlling their environments or others which creates mental health struggles, disconnection, and conflict.

On Sesame Street they know a challenge always brings a lesson. Everyone on Sesame Street accepts that challenges may come their way and look toward the lesson and growth that those challenges will bring. In our world, we often become paralyzed or resistant to challenges and as a result prevent ourselves from the value or growth that can occur as we move thru the challenges.

We can all benefit from a little influence of Sesame Street in our lives.

As adults we could utilize some of those lessons more than our children! Therefore- take a pause next time your kiddo has an episode running and see what gifts Sesame Street can bring you

Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Many individuals identify themselves as “Im an Anxious Person” or I’m a Depressed Person” as if it’s their identity! However, anxiety and depression are emotional and mental states we experience so they can never be WHO we are but rather WHAT we are feeling or thinking. When one identifies themselves as what they feel or how they think then they are also disempowering themselves to shift the feeling.

For example- individuals that struggle with anxiety or OCD often have a strong desire to have certainty around things. If those individuals see this pattern as “just who they are” then they will never believe they can experience the freedom of accepting the uncertainty of life (which they can).

Another example we often hear is “I am a mess”, which can have so many negative implications. Not only is that statement degrading to oneself, it also implies the individual is out of control or unable to help themselves or the situation. It would be more rational and helpful to say “ I FEEL incredibly confused or sad or disappointed” rather than define oneself as “a mess”.

Counseling services Orlando

Choosing the right therapist is a crucial step, and I understand it can be an overwhelming process. You can explore my website to get a sense of the work I do and how I might be able to help. I also encourage you to contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation, which will help you assess if we are a good fit and allow me to better understand your therapy goals and needs.

I offer video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in Florida. My practice is centered in metro Orlando and I also specialize in Anxiety treatment Orlando.

Kathryn Walden, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)
1100 Town Plaza Court
Winter Springs, Florida 32708
(407) 450-3849

The words we put after “I am…” can be some of the most powerful in that they can create empowerment, resilience, helplessness, limitations, and more..The words also can help us to see a situation as permanent or temporary, as a challenge or failure, and as out of control or with options.

Take an audit of what words you put after “I am..” and see if they are limiting or disempowering you.
Simply making the shift away from defining who you are from how you feel or think can be quite powerful!

When the fear of not knowing keeps you from living

There are a handful of certainties in life: we all need food & water. We all die someday. We all lock ourselves out of our apartments at least once. (Wait, no? Just me? Moving on…)

However, what takes up more space in our world is uncertainty. For many of us, this can feel daunting.

Anxiety and Depression Treatment New Castle, CO

When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions | (970) 388-1903

You might notice that the fear of uncertainty creeps into your feelings & actions in subtle ways:

Feeling anxious when you don’t know what will happen next; ruminating about the “what ifs”
Feeling a sense of urgency to get things done right away
Excessively planning and preparing for all things
Reluctance to delegate tasks to others → taking on more than you can handle
Difficulty trying new things, going to new places, or being spontaneous
Avoiding change of any kind
Rigidity of thought (“It can only be done in this way or else”)
Ultimately, trying to extinguish all uncertainty is a fool’s errand: It is simply impossible.

So, if it is unavoidable, how do we learn to live with it? It reminds me of how I ask my clients who work in (and have a love/hate relationship with) NYC: How have you learned to live with the rats? ;)

Austin Texas Counselor

Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA is an Austin Texas Counselor specializing in Relationship Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Anxiety Treatment. With a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, she provides valuable support to couples and individuals seeking to navigate the challenges of relationships, generalized anxiety, and moderate depression. Located at 7701 N Lamar Blvd. Suite 331 Austin, TX 78752 and serving all of Texas via online counseling and phone 1-512-925-0883.

Here are some tips:

Reflect: What is my relationship to uncertainty? We first need to grow awareness on what is before we can move towards what can be. Reflect on early times where you experienced uncertainty. What was that like for Little You? What emotions do you associate with it as a result? Spend time exploring all the nooks and crannies.

Seek out the positives of uncertainty. Consider: when might I welcome uncertainty? For example, you may relish in not-knowing about something like a surprise party, being proposed to, or knowing the gender of your baby. Here, the not-knowing is part of the fun!

Use history as a teacher. You can cope with uncertainty because you have before — you probably do everyday! Think of times where you got through uncertainty, and identify coping skills you used that you can replicate now. (example: the uncertainty we all faced throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, and using coping skills like seeking social support, staying informed, using health precautions)

Anxiety treatment Marin County California

It is important to find the right therapist and I know the search can feel overwhelming. You can begin to get a sense of the work I do by exploring my website and I encourage you to contact me to set up a free 30 minute phone consultation which allows you to get a sense of whether we are a good match and I will better understand your needs and what you are hoping to get out of therapy.

I am an anxiety therapist in Marin County California offering video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in California. My practice is centered in the San Francisco Bay Area and I also specialize in Anxiety therapy Marin County California.

Talia Korenbrot, LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) – (415) 294-5340

Find meaning. Whether you derive meaning from religion, spirituality, or belief systems like “Everything happens the way it’s meant to,” “I grow and learn through hardship,” this is a good time to lean on those pillars. It helps us hold perspective and cultivate hope.

Recognize what you can control. Identify what is in your control. This will give you a sense of security while also keeping you realistic. You will be able to recognize where your energy is useful vs where it is wasted.

We will leave you with a poignant quote on the subject…

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner, American actress & comedian

Many believe anxiety starts with sensations they feel in their body such as with their heart racing, light headedness, or chest tightness.

However, those sensations are only part of the story..

Anxiety is like a tag team between your mind and body. When you worry or stress, your body can react with things like a racing heart, tense muscles, shortness of breath, sweating, or stomach troubles. Those experiences are associated with what we define as a fight-or-flight response.

New Hampshire Therapist Dr. Karyn Gunnet-Shoval, PhD, LP is a licensed Psychologist in NH, NY & VT and also PSYPACT approved to Practice Telehealth in 30+ States.

A Psychologist in Private Practice as well as a Lecturer, Harvard University and Assistant Professor & Director, Arkansas State University.

Specializing in Assessment, Diagnosis, and Treatment of adults, older teens, groups, and couples including patients presenting concerns such as mood disorders, personality disorders, & trauma.

If you are looking for a “Psychologist near me” look no further. New York, NY 10023Bedford, NH 03110 | (646) 762-0960.

Your body’s fight-or-flight response is like an alarm system.

It gets activated when your mind thinks there’s danger, even if there’s no real threat. This release of stress hormones can cause those physical symptoms. Anxious thoughts and physical symptoms then create a loop. The thoughts cause physical reactions, which lead to more anxious thoughts. For example, feeling your heart race might make you think you’re having a heart attack, which ramps up anxiety even more.

When you can identify the thoughts associated with the physical symptoms by asking what am I MOST concerned about at this moment or in the past few days then the source of the anxiety can truly be addressed. Such sources can include a response from a past trauma, desire for control, fear of the unpredictable, needing certainty, and more.

Grief Counseling Redbank, NJ

For Grief Counseling Redbank, NJ  and Grief Counseling Westfield, NJ  contact therapist Margaret Lundrigan, Psy.D., LCSW of Lundrigan Counseling and Psychological Services. Margaret’s approach is dynamic and supportive and geared to helping people find solutions to the challenges of through grief therapy.
Grief counselor near me – 55 Highway 35, Suite 6, Red Bank, Monmouth County, NJ 07701 | (908) 838-7209.

Photo: Unsplash

Counseling services Orlando: Anxious Thinking

We all know the sensation of being caught in a spiral of negative thoughts, unable to break away.

The name for this kind of intrusive and repetitive thinking pattern is called perseverative cognition;  this post takes a look at ways in which this particular thinking pattern contributes to anxiety and how we can effectively manage it.

Counseling services Orlando

Choosing the right therapist is a crucial step, and I understand it can be an overwhelming process. You can explore my website to get a sense of the work I do and how I might be able to help. I also encourage you to contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation, which will help you assess if we are a good fit and allow me to better understand your therapy goals and needs.

I offer video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in Florida. My practice is centered in metro Orlando and I also specialize in Anxiety treatment Orlando.”

Kathryn Walden, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)
1100 Town Plaza Court
Winter Springs, Florida 32708
(407) 450-3849

Perseverative cognition, or rumination,  is the process of constantly reflecting on past events or concerns about the future. It’s the relentless overthinking of past events and/or mistakes and dwelling on concerns of the future that probably will not happen.  When we think like this – in the past or in the future- we are taking away energy we could be spending in the present. This is why mindfulness is so important! It’s probably not surprising to know that studies have shown a strong link between perseverative cognition and anxiety disorders, such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that individuals with high levels of worry and rumination were more likely to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression over time. What’s more, perseverative cognition has been found to intensify our body’s stress response, causing increased heart rate, blood pressure, and release of stress hormones, such as cortisol. 

When you find yourself stuck in this continual thought process,  there are actionable steps to help break free.

  1. Mindfulness Practice: Mindfulness involves being present and focusing on the here and now. It allows us to take a step back from our thoughts and observe them without judgment. Techniques include meditation, mindful breathing, and body scans.
  2. Cognitive Restructuring: This technique, a cornerstone of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), involves identifying and challenging unhelpful thoughts. By shifting our thought patterns, we can reduce the anxiety linked with preservative cognition.
  3. Regular Exercise: Physical activity stimulates the production of endorphins, neurotransmitters that help to relieve stress and anxiety. Even a brisk walk can do wonders.
  4. Self-Distancing Techniques: These techniques involve mentally stepping back and viewing our thoughts from an external perspective, aiding in reducing emotional reactivity and promoting a more objective evaluation. For example, ask yourself if whatever you are worrying about will still be relevant in the future. Create distance between your thoughts and feelings by acknowledging that you are worrying or ruminating. This alone will help. “This is me panicking” etc 
  5. Professional Help: If preservative cognition is significantly impacting your life, seeking help from a mental health professional is invaluable. Therapists can provide guidance and tools tailored to your specific needs.

Perseverative cognition can be a challenging nuisance, but remember to create distance between your thoughts and feelings and not believe everything you think. With knowledge, understanding, and practice, you have the power to change your thoughts and, in turn, your life.

Breathing into Winter

Well, here we are. Another chapter ending and a new year beginning in linear time – all the while the earth in the northern hemisphere quiets. The tension in these rhythms is palpable to me as I practice surrendering into wintering while the world rages.

– Current Practice: With this chapter of the moon, in the daily practice, we are exploring the felt experience of emptiness (Wuji) as the moon wanes. We are also exploring the quality of sinking or yielding (Chen) and through the yielding, the ease in the effort, the being in the doing – the Wuwei. Embodying these qualities through the simple practice of qi gong supports the capacity to drop into heart coherence breathing as we cultivate regenerative emotions for ourselves and each other.

– Gift: Because we have already begun this sadhana (12/27/23 – 1/13/24), I am offering the rest of it as a gift to you. If you’d like to join us, reply to this email and I will get you the link if you don’t already have it.

– Recordings: If daily morning practice is not your jam, here is a recording of the practice for you to explore in your own timing. There is an option to join the breathwork via recordings.

– Scholarship: And lastly, don’t let finances be a barrier, I have a generous scholarship rate if things are tight.

Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, specializes in Breathwork for trauma. When searching for breathwork near me Practice Breathwork is the breathing community you have been looking for. Alicia also provides Somatic Practices and Psychotherapy at Ahimsa Therapy in Frederick Maryland. Although her services are offered primarily in the virtual space, Alicia also has a physical sacred space in Frederick Maryland, please inquire.

I have enjoyed breaking up the monotony of capitalist linearity with the waxing and waning of time as held by the moon’s rhythm. She offers a kinder expression of marking time that is not forward and rigid in its proclivities but rather waving into expansion and contraction like the breath.

My ritual for this moment of transition is informed by my continued practice to unlearn the “more, better, grow at all cost” paradigm and shift into the wisdom of the seasons supported by the ever-present waxing and waning of the moon.

The breathwork sangha is entering its 4th year of daily practice.

I would not be able to keep going if it weren’t for my own need to breathe in community. I have tried to do it alone but have learned that I need people to practice peace and compassion. Regenerative emotions are relational for me. I need to feel myself with others to be able to let down out of the dominant culture’s chaotic rigidity.

Committing to daily morning practice has changed my life. I have come to cherish the morning hours and the sangha that joins – the skeins of geese, the Nuthatch, the four leggeds, the silence and the other committed humans that have lingered into the morning with me. Finding a way to start my day in a practice of consciously slowing down in movement and breath is everything to me given that the ancestral pattern to numb is so strong in my lineage.

I especially look forward to our monthly RAINN practice and Quaker Shares. There is something about anchoring into a monthly ritual that turns toward suffering, held in the womb of community, that alleviates the loneliness that comes with pain in this culture, at least for me.

It amazes me how persistent the story of separation is. It’s still my default mode even though I have known otherwise for a long time. It’s something I need to consciously practice everyday and communing with my breath in community helps anchor the remembering that we are all connected and that we need each other to survive.

So much love,

Alicia

Ps. if you’ve gotten this far, please join me in a little giggle about the image with this email. My 14 year old son and I had fun creating it.

practice-breathwork


Practice Breathwork

Five Reasons Emotions Are Important

Emotions can play an important role in how you think and behave. The emotions you feel each day can compel you to take action and influence the decisions you make about your life, both large and small.

Emotions can be short-lived, such as a flash of annoyance at a co-worker, or long-lasting, such as enduring sadness over the loss of a relationship. But why exactly do we experience emotions? What role do they serve?

Where Do Emotions Come From?

Emotions are influenced by a network of interconnected structures in the brain that make up what is known as the limbic system. Key structures including the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala, and the limbic cortex play a pivotal role in emotions and behavioral responses.

The Three Components of Emotion

In order to truly understand emotions, it is important to understand the three critical components of an emotion. Each element can play a role in the function and purpose of your emotional responses.

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New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard. For a “therapist near me56 Leonard Street, Apt 17AE, New York, NY 10013. What is Couples Therapy? In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship. Certain types of counselors are also specifically trained to work with couples, including marriage and family therapists.

1. Subjective component: How you experience the emotion
2. Physiological component: How your body reacts to the emotion
3. Expressive component: How you behave in response to the emotion

Emotions Can Motivate You to Act

When faced with a nerve-wracking exam, you might feel a lot of anxiety about whether you will perform well and how the test will impact your final grade. Because of these emotional responses, you might be more likely to study.

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Couples Therapist Kathryn McNeer, LPC Dallas, TX specializes in Couples Therapy Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless people find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy. Marriage Counseling near me

Since you experienced a particular emotion, you had the motivation to take action and do something positive to improve your chances of getting a good grade.

You also tend to take certain actions in order to experience positive emotions and minimize the probability of feeling negative emotions. For example, you might seek out social activities or hobbies that provide you with a sense of happiness, contentment, and excitement. On the other hand, you would probably avoid situations that might potentially lead to boredom, sadness, or anxiety.

Emotions increase the likelihood that you will take an action. When you are angry, you are likely to confront the source of your irritation. When you experience fear, you are more likely to flee the threat. When you feel love, you might seek out a partner.

Couples Counseling Boulder

Therapist Christy Weller, Psy.D. I bring a genuine curiosity, a kind appreciation of where you have been, and a non-judgmental stance so that you feel comfortable exploring your story and making sense of it. I tailor my work to each client and I’m trained in both short-term and long-term therapies. Also specializing in anxiety disorder which can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment boulder.

Newport Beach Psychologist

Dimitra Takos, PSY.D. is deeply passionate about her clients’ well-being and brings over 15 years of experience as a psychologist to manage many life’s problems including adjustment issues, life stress, parenting issues, relationship conflicts, anger control, problems with intimacy, and grief and loss. She works closely with each of her clients to obtain a deep understanding of their challenges in order to tailor treatment to achieve lasting change.

Emotions Help You Avoid Danger

Naturalist Charles Darwin was one of the earliest researchers to scientifically study emotions. He believed that emotions are adaptations that allow both humans and animals to survive and reproduce.

He suggested that emotional displays could also play an important role in safety and survival. If you encountered a hissing or spitting animal, it would clearly indicate that the creature was angry and defensive, leading to you back off and avoid possible danger.

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Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Emotions can also prepare the body to take action. The amygdala, in particular, is responsible for triggering emotional responses that prepare your body to cope with things like fear and anger.

Sometimes this fear can trigger the body’s fight-or-flight response, which leads to a number of physiological responses that prepare the body to either stay and face the danger or flee to safety.

Emotions serve an adaptive role by prompting you to act quickly and take actions that will maximize your chances of survival and success.

Counseling services Orlando

Choosing the right therapist is a crucial step, and I understand it can be an overwhelming process. You can explore my website to get a sense of the work I do and how I might be able to help. I also encourage you to contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation, which will help you assess if we are a good fit and allow me to better understand your therapy goals and needs.

I offer video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in Florida. My practice is centered in metro Orlando and I also specialize in Anxiety treatment Orlando.

Kathryn Walden, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)
1100 Town Plaza Court
Winter Springs, Florida 32708
(407) 450-3849

Emotions Can Help You Make Decisions

Your emotions have a major influence on the decisions you make, from what you decide to have for breakfast to which candidates you choose to vote for in political elections.

Researchers have also found that people with certain types of brain damage affecting their ability to experience emotions also have a decreased ability to make good decisions.

Even in situations where you believe your decisions are guided purely by logic and rationality, emotions play a key role. Emotional intelligence, or your ability to understand and manage emotions, has been shown to play an important role in decision-making.

Research has found that experiencing fear increases perceptions of risk, feeling disgusted makes people more likely to discard their belongings, and feeling joy or anger causes people to leap into action.

Anxiety and Depression Treatment New Castle, CO

When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions | (970) 388-1903

Emotions Help Others Understand You Better

When you interact with other people, it is important to give clues to help them understand how you are feeling. These cues might involve emotional expression through body language, such as various facial expressions connected with the particular emotions you are experiencing.

In other cases, it might involve directly stating how you feel. When you tell friends or family members that you are feeling happy, sad, excited, or frightened, you are giving them important information that they can then use to take action.

Research suggests that people experience positive emotions 2.5 times more frequently than they do negative emotions.

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Relationships in the Tech World. Being a Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bay Area specializing in Couples Therapy Palo Alto, means I have the privilege to meet clients from very diverse backgrounds. I am an  and I specialize in Individual and Couples Therapy Palo Alto. I’m Kin Leung, MFT Asian therapist and Licensed Marriage Counselor and Family Therapist with a special expertise working with Asian American families, couples, and individuals practicing in Burlingame, CA.

Emotions Allow You to Understand Others

Just as your own emotions provide valuable information to others, the emotional expressions of those around you also give a wealth of social information. Social communication is an important part of your daily life and relationships, and being able to interpret and react to the emotions of others is essential.4

It allows you to respond appropriately and build deeper, more meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and loved ones. It also allows you to communicate effectively in a variety of social situations, from dealing with an irate customer to managing a hot-headed employee.

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Understanding the emotional displays of others gives us clear information about how we might need to respond in a particular situation.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd and Medically reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW

Photo Unsplash

Anxiety treatment Marin County California

It is important to find the right therapist and I know the search can feel overwhelming. You can begin to get a sense of the work I do by exploring my website and I encourage you to contact me to set up a free 30 minute phone consultation which allows you to get a sense of whether we are a good match and I will better understand your needs and what you are hoping to get out of therapy.

I am an anxiety therapist in Marin County California offering video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in California. My practice is centered in the San Francisco Bay Area and I also specialize in Anxiety therapy Marin County California.

Talia Korenbrot, LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) – (415) 294-5340

 

Understanding and Managing Anguish

Anguish is an intense and complex emotional state caused by mental or physical suffering. When people experience anguish, they often feel extreme distress, sadness, torment, turmoil, and inner pain. While such feelings are often associated with losses or trauma, other overwhelming life challenges can also trigger this emotional state.

Anguish feels like deep sorrow and pain and it can lead to emotional distress. Life can throw many obstacles our way (think grief, trauma, and loss) and we’ve all fallen victim to this kind of pain. None of us are alone in that.

Counseling services Orlando

Choosing the right therapist is a crucial step, and I understand it can be an overwhelming process. You can explore my website to get a sense of the work I do and how I might be able to help. I also encourage you to contact me for a free 30 minute phone consultation, which will help you assess if we are a good fit and allow me to better understand your therapy goals and needs.

I offer video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in Florida. My practice is centered in metro Orlando and I also specialize in Anxiety treatment Orlando.”

Kathryn Walden, Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC)
1100 Town Plaza Court
Winter Springs, Florida 32708
(407) 450-3849

Fortunately, we can overcome feelings of anguish with support from loved ones and/or a mental health professional.

Understanding and Managing Anguish

What Does Anguish Feel Like?

Such feelings can manifest both physically and emotionally. Physically, this can create bodily sensations, including pain, soreness, heaviness, tearfulness, and slowed movement and momentum.

Couples Therapy Tribeca

New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard. For a “therapist near me56 Leonard Street, Apt 17AE, New York, NY 10013. What is Couples Therapy? In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship. Certain types of counselors are also specifically trained to work with couples, including marriage and family therapists.

Anguish vs. Anxiety

The terms anguish and anxiety share similar origins. Both derive from the Indo-European root “angh,” meaning tighten, strangle, or compress.

While the two emotions share some similarities, including similar somatic experiences, anguish typically involves a more distressing experience. Anxiety centers on worry, fear, and apprehension, while anguish involves profound mental distress, sorrow, and despair.

Anxiety treatment Marin County California

It is important to find the right therapist and I know the search can feel overwhelming. You can begin to get a sense of the work I do by exploring my website and I encourage you to contact me to set up a free 30 minute phone consultation which allows you to get a sense of whether we are a good match and I will better understand your needs and what you are hoping to get out of therapy.

I am an anxiety therapist in Marin County California offering video appointments and can work with clients anywhere in California. My practice is centered in the San Francisco Bay Area and I also specialize in Anxiety therapy Marin County California.

Talia Korenbrot, LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) – (415) 294-5340

Anguish differs from sadness and anxiety in duration and intensity. “As anguish is often a response to grief, loss, trauma, tension, estrangement, and unexpected life situations, it often lingers for days, months, or more to varying degrees of intensity. Anguish can live alongside sadness and anxiety but tends to be more overwhelming and all-encompassing regarding a large life event,” they explain.

What Causes Us to Feel Anguish?

Anguish is a complex emotion that can have a variety of causes. Some factors that can contribute to this state include:

Grief and Loss

The death of a loved one can cause deep anguish, but the end of an important relationship or the loss of other important things in your life can also result in intense turmoil and despair.

New Hampshire Therapist Dr. Karyn Gunnet-Shoval, PhD, LP is a licensed Psychologist in NH, NY & VT and also PSYPACT approved to Practice Telehealth in 30+ States.

A Psychologist in Private Practice as well as a Lecturer, Harvard University and Assistant Professor & Director, Arkansas State University.

Specializing in Assessment, Diagnosis, and Treatment of adults, older teens, groups, and couples including patients presenting concerns such as mood disorders, personality disorders, & trauma.

If you are looking for a “Psychologist near me” look no further. New York, NY 10023Bedford, NH 03110 | (646) 762-0960.

Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone or something that can produce a range of emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

Losing a meaningful attachment can create profound sadness, anger, and uncertainty. It can also lead people to experience changes in their identity and question their life’s purpose and meaning.

Trauma

Natural disasters, accidents, violence, and other traumatic events can also lead to significant feelings of anguish. In addition to the initial disruption and distress that these events create, they can also lead to longer-lasting feelings of anxiety.

Other trauma symptoms include distressing memories, hyperarousal, hypervigilance, overwhelming emotions, emotional numbing, avoidance, guilt, and shame. Trauma can also interfere with a person’s feelings of trust and safety, which can heighten a person’s feelings of anguish and create a pervasive sense of anxiety and vulnerability.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Melanie Wendt is a Los Gatos Therapist specializing in Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos.
Do you have the feeling that you’re falling behind and can’t keep up with everything and everyone in Silicon Valley? Constant pressure to perform while managing relationships and family life can come with a price of poor mental health when not done intentionally and in balance. Finding your version of greatness is worth investing in. I use evidence-based techniques to help you find balance so that you can focus on what you set out to do without being overwhelmed by self-doubt and anxiety.
Therapist Near Me
Therapist Los Gatos, Melanie Wendt, M.A. M.Ed., LPCC, Licensed Therapist & Clinical Counselor practicing at 10 Jackson St., Suite 204, Los Gatos, CA 95030, Phone: 408-320-5554

Relationships

Relationships can be a source of connection, joy, and support, but they can also lead to pain and emotional suffering when they end or when they are marked by conflict. Breakups, infidelity, and discord can lead to feelings of anguish and emotional pain.

Women and Relationships Therapy NYC

Alice Shepard, Ph.D. of Mirielle Therapy Practice New York City specializes in Women and Relationships Therapy NYC, helping early and mid-career women who are looking to make important changes in their lives. Issues that are at the core of ones’ identity can be so painful when they are not going well. Concerns about dating, love, friendships, work, family, loss, or health can generate intense feelings of sadness, worry, insecurity, and stress.

Illness

Physical pain and illness can be a source of anguish, particularly when it involves chronic conditions. People with chronic health conditions have a 50% higher risk of depression than those without such conditions.

The long-term nature of such illnesses and their impact on a person’s quality of life can affect physical function and social connections. These effects can then harm a person’s self-worth and sense of empowerment in life.

Anxiety and Depression Treatment New Castle, CO

When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions | (970) 388-1903

Life Changes

While transitions are a common part of life, they can also bring feelings of fear and anxiety, particularly when people are faced with dealing with the unknown. Research has found that such periods can make people more prone to developing depression and other mental health problems.

Austin Texas Counselor

Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA is an Austin Texas Counselor specializing in Relationship Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Anxiety Treatment. With a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, she provides valuable support to couples and individuals seeking to navigate the challenges of relationships, generalized anxiety, and moderate depression. Located at 7701 N Lamar Blvd. Suite 331 Austin, TX 78752 and serving all of Texas via online counseling and phone 1-512-925-0883.

Major life changes, particularly involuntary ones, can create feelings of pain, uncertainty, and, in some cases, anguish. Divorce and job loss, for example, can interfere with a person’s sense of self, particularly if their identity was heavily wrapped up in their relationship or their job.

Loneliness

Social connections are crucial for good mental health, which is why loneliness can create anguish for people who feel cut off from meaningful relationships. Loneliness has a wide variety of health consequences, both physical and mental.

Therapy Seattle, WA

Benu Lahiry, LMFT Marriage & Family Therapy Seattle, WA 98115-7413 Phone: 304 654 9206 specializing in interracial couples therapy Seattle, WA. Marriage counseling Seattle is for all of us, but what it means is unique to each of us. We share much in common, we carry experiences, beliefs, dreams, and fears that are ours alone.

Research has found that experiencing loneliness increases the risk of heart disease, altered brain function, increased stress, substance misuse, depression, and suicide.

mental-health-counseling

How Anguish Can Impact Our Lives

Anguish has powerful physiological and psychological effects. Such feelings are agonizing in the short term, but the stress they create can also contribute to long-term health problems.

Marriage counseling Atlanta Georgia

Elaine A. Thomas, Psy.D, as a therapist, I facilitate self-understanding and discovery which creates new coping strategies for anxiety, depression, stress, and trauma. I provide treatment for anxiety, child developmental trauma, PTSD therapy, couples therapy, and family conflict marriage counseling Atlanta Georgia. Please see my new book ‘Mindfulness Workbook for Perfectionism, Effective Strategies to Overcome Your Inner Critic and Find Balance’.

Living with anguish can result in disrupted sleep, poor or markedly increased appetite, difficulty concentrating, exhaustion, isolation, worry, and avoidance. The event that the anguish is responsible for may be recalled through intrusive memories, thoughts, pictures, or emotional flashes.

  • Physical effects: The physical feelings of anguish can be overwhelming and even excruciating and can include racing heartbeat, chest pressure, sweating, trembling, muscle tension, nausea, and a feeling of being suffocated.
  • Health problems: Anguish is an intensely stressful experience. If this becomes chronic, this stress can take a significant toll on a person’s physical well-being, putting them at a greater risk of illness and health problems.
  • Reduced functioning: Experiencing anguish can make it difficult for people to function in their normal daily life. They may struggle to go to work or school, maintain social relationships, and perform daily household tasks.
  • Cognitive effects: It is also common for people to have trouble concentrating and paying attention. This can contribute to poor decisions and difficulty remembering important information.
  • Social effects: Anguish can be an isolating experience since it often leads to social withdrawal from friends, family, and other loved ones. People may experience feelings of shame about their emotional reactions or fear that others will not understand what they are going through. The pain they experience can also make it harder to maintain interpersonal relationships, which can reduce the social support that people need to help them get through these trying experiences.
  • Mental health effects: Anguish can also contribute to other mental health problems, including anxiety and depression. People may begin to worry more or experience heightened fear and apprehension. Prolonged emotional suffering can also contribute to the onset of depression and symptoms such as changes in mood, loss of interest, and feelings of worthlessness.

Couples Therapy Palo Alto

Relationships in the Tech World. Being a Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bay Area specializing in Couples Therapy Palo Alto, means I have the privilege to meet clients from very diverse backgrounds. I am an  and I specialize in Individual and Couples Therapy Palo Alto. I’m Kin Leung, MFT Asian therapist and Licensed Marriage Counselor and Family Therapist with a special expertise working with Asian American families, couples, and individuals practicing in Burlingame, CA.

How to Deal and Cope With Anguish

If you are experiencing anguish, it is important to get the help and support you need to help relieve your emotional suffering. Coping can be difficult, but there are strategies and resources available that can help.

Couples Counseling Dallas

Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless people find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy. Marriage Counseling near me

Seek Help From a Professional

It is important to monitor the impact on one’s life and seek out peer and professional support to work through processing emotions of anguish and the issue that brought on the emotion.

It can be helpful to talk to a mental health professional. A therapist can help you deal with the effects of emotional pain. You can also develop coping skills that can decrease distress and improve resilience.

Breathwork for trauma

Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, specializes in Breathwork for trauma. When searching for practice breathwork near me Practice Breathwork is the breathing community you have been looking for. Alicia also provides Somatic Practices and Psychotherapy at Ahimsa Therapy in Frederick Maryland. Although her services are offered primarily in the virtual space, Alicia also has a physical sacred space in Frederick Maryland, please inquire.

Utilize Stress Relief Techniques

Stress management tactics such as mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can also help you better cope with feelings of stress.

Mindfulness, in particular, may help you better regulate your emotions and reduce the intensity of the anguish you are experiencing.

Understanding and Managing Anguish

Find Ways to Express Your Emotions

Anguish can become even more painful if you try to bottle up your emotions. While you might be tempted to hide your pain, suppressing or disguising your feeling can backfire, leading to problems with mental, social, and physical health.

It’s important to find healthy ways to process and express what you are feeling. This might involve talking about what you are feeling with a trusted friend, or creative endeavors like drawing, painting, music, movement, or journaling might provide a useful outlet.

Counseling Hoboken

Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Show Yourself Compassion

Don’t beat yourself up for what you are feeling. Negative thinking can turn anguish into feelings of guilt, shame, or embarrassment, so remember to treat yourself with the same kindness that you might show to a friend.

“Self-compassion involves compassion, common humanity, and mindfulness,” Wells says. They recommend working on skills such as self-acceptance, being present, connecting with others in non-judgmental ways, and successfully navigating emotions.

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd and Medically reviewed by David Susman, PhD

Photos Unsplash

When the fear of not knowing keeps you from living

Maddy Archambault, LAC

There are a handful of certainties in life: we all need food & water. We all die someday. We all lock ourselves out of our apartments at least once. (Wait, no? Just me? Moving on…)

However, what takes up more space in our world is uncertainty. For many of us, this can feel daunting.

Newport Beach Psychologist

Dimitra Takos, PSY.D. is deeply passionate about her clients’ well-being and brings over 15 years of experience as a psychologist to manage many life’s problems including adjustment issues, life stress, parenting issues, relationship conflicts, anger control, problems with intimacy, and grief and loss. She works closely with each of her clients to obtain a deep understanding of their challenges in order to tailor treatment to achieve lasting change.

You might notice that the fear of uncertainty creeps into your feelings & actions in subtle ways:

  • Feeling anxious when you don’t know what will happen next; ruminating about the “what ifs”
  • Feeling a sense of urgency to get things done right away
  • Excessively planning and preparing for all things
  • Reluctance to delegate tasks to others → taking on more than you can handle
  • Difficulty trying new things, going to new places, or being spontaneous
  • Avoiding change of any kind
  • Rigidity of thought (“It can only be done in this way or else”)
therapy

therapy

Ultimately, trying to extinguish all uncertainty is a fool’s errand: It is simply impossible.

So, if it is unavoidable, how do we learn to live with it? It reminds me of how I ask my clients who work in (and have a love/hate relationship with) NYC: How have you learned to live with the rats? ;)

Couples Counseling Boulder

Therapist Christy Weller, Psy.D. I bring a genuine curiosity, a kind appreciation of where you have been, and a non-judgmental stance so that you feel comfortable exploring your story and making sense of it. I tailor my work to each client and I’m trained in both short-term and long-term therapies. Also specializing in anxiety disorder which can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment boulder.

Here are some tips:

Reflect: What is my relationship to uncertainty? We first need to grow awareness on what is before we can move towards what can be. Reflect on early times where you experienced uncertainty. What was that like for Little You? What emotions do you associate with it as a result? Spend time exploring all the nooks and crannies.

Online Counseling in New Jersey

Moon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment. Manage your mental health symptoms through Online Counseling in New Jersey. Do you want to improve your mental health? Contact me to learn more about working together through online counseling in New Jersey. Click here to learn more details on the book Wildly Wise: Trusting the Nature Within or to contact Sarah Tronco, LCSW. Anxiety Treatment near me.

Seek out the positives of uncertainty. Consider: when might I welcome uncertainty? For example, you may relish in not-knowing about something like a surprise party, being proposed to, or knowing the gender of your baby. Here, the not-knowing is part of the fun!

uncertainty

uncertainty

Use history as a teacher. You can cope with uncertainty because you have before — you probably do everyday! Think of times where you got through uncertainty, and identify coping skills you used that you can replicate now. (example: the uncertainty we all faced throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, and using coping skills like seeking social support, staying informed, using health precautions)

Counsellor New Westminster, BC

Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

Couples Therapy Washington DC Area

Stephen I. Rosen has been providing psychotherapy and coaching services to individuals, Couples Therapy Washington DC Area and families for over twenty years. In addition to my private practice, I am the cofounder of a training and coaching organization that provides virtual training and coaching services to companies. I have also served as the executive director of an organization that provides behavioral health and substance abuse treatment services at clinics throughout the United States.

Find meaning. Whether you derive meaning from religion, spirituality, or belief systems like “Everything happens the way it’s meant to,” “I grow and learn through hardship,” this is a good time to lean on those pillars. It helps us hold perspective and cultivate hope.

mindfulness

mindfulness

Recognize what you can control. Identify what is in your control. This will give you a sense of security while also keeping you realistic. You will be able to recognize where your energy is useful vs where it is wasted.

PTSD trauma therapy long beach

Diane Gaston utilizes an approach to therapy that emphasizes all aspects of the individual, including the psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical. I specialize in PTSD trauma therapy long beach working with those who have affected and held back by past trauma and/or adverse life events. I also work individually and with couples who wish to improve their relationships.

Work Stress Counseling

Not sure why parts of your character hold you back in your work? For Work Stress Counseling, Kearns Group helps individuals study the gap between goals and their achievement. Through a contextual counseling we reveal the stress that gets in the way and design strategies to better reach their achievement. Therapist conveniently located in Greenwich Village near Union Square New York City.

Adult AHDH Assessments

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. of Rittenhouse Psychological Services, is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD as a ADHD Psychologist in Philadelphia. With offices located in Main Line Philadelphia offering ADHD treatment Main Line at 40 E. Montgomery Ave. Ardmore, PA 19003. Take the Adult ADHD test to see if you are at risk.

Depression Treatment Raleigh

Do you feel down? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy? Are you critical and judgmental towards yourself? We can help you find the Inner Path that can lead you out of your depression.
Therapist near me. 144 Wind Chime CT. #1 Raleigh NC 27615-6433

We will leave you with a poignant quote on the subject…

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”
― Gilda Radner, American actress & comedian

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Introducing Austin Texas Counselor Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA

Austin Texas Counselor Carolyn Maurin is now offering Online counseling.

Online counseling has revolutionized the accessibility of making positive changes in your life. As a Texas-based online counselor, I witness my clients thriving and conquering challenges while receiving therapy from various locations, such as the comfort of their homes, during work breaks, between classes, or even while on vacation. The convenience and flexibility of online therapy have significantly benefited individuals who, due to various circumstances, are unable to attend in-person counseling sessions.

Austin Texas Counselor

Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA is an Austin Texas Counselor specializing in Relationship Counseling, Couples Therapy, and Anxiety Treatment. With a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology, she provides valuable support to couples and individuals seeking to navigate the challenges of relationships, generalized anxiety, and moderate depression. Located at 7701 N Lamar Blvd. Suite 331 Austin, TX 78752 and serving all of Texas via online counseling and phone 1-512-925-0883.

My role as your therapist in Austin Texas.

Austin Texas Counselor

Austin Texas Sunflowers

I strive to establish a strong therapeutic alliance with you, fostering a safe environment where you can experience profound transformations. Employing a person-centered approach, I collaborate with you to identify goals and interventions that align with your unique needs. Recognizing that you possess invaluable knowledge about your own life, I assist you in tapping into your innate wisdom to overcome obstacles and foster healing. Through my experience as an online therapist, I have witnessed not only tangible results but also the opportunity to work with individuals who may not have accessed therapy otherwise.

If you are interested, I encourage you to reach out to schedule a consultation. During this session, I will gladly address any queries you may have and further explore whether online therapy is a suitable option for you.

I strive to cultivate a robust therapeutic bond with clients.

Fostering a safe environment where individuals can embark on a profound journey of personal transformation. By embracing a person-centered approach, I collaborate with you as a trusted ally to identify aspirations and interventions that resonate with your distinct requirements. Acknowledging that each person possesses profound insights into their own existence, I guide you in uncovering your inherent wisdom, empowering you to overcome hurdles and nurture the process of restoration.

With heartfelt sincerity,
Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA

“I help individuals improve communication skills, resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust.”

Carolyn Maurin, LPC, LCDC, MA is an experienced and dedicated Licensed Professional Counselor. With a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and a specialization in relationship dynamics, coping skills, and life transitions, she provides valuable support to individuals seeking to navigate the challenges of relationships, generalized anxiety and mild/moderate depression.

As a firm believer in the power of therapy to promote positive change, Carolyn utilizes evidence-based approaches such as person centered, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and solution-focused therapy to help her clients achieve emotional well-being and enhance their quality of life. Her warm and nonjudgmental style creates a safe and supportive environment where clients can freely express themselves.

With a particular expertise in relationships, Carolyn helps individuals improve communication skills, resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust. She guides couples through the intricacies of building healthy and fulfilling connections, whether they are facing challenges in their current relationships or transitioning through major life changes.

Article by: Carolyn Maurin

Photos: Unsplash

New Hampshire Therapist Dr. Karyn Gunnet-Shoval, PhD, LP is a licensed Psychologist in NH, NY & VT and also PSYPACT approved to Practice Telehealth in 30+ States.

A Psychologist in Private Practice as well as a Lecturer, Harvard University and Assistant Professor & Director, Arkansas State University.

Specializing in Assessment, Diagnosis, and Treatment of adults, older teens, groups, and couples including patients presenting concerns such as mood disorders, personality disorders, & trauma.

If you are looking for a “Psychologist near me” look no further. New York, NY 10023Bedford, NH 03110 | (646) 762-0960.

Getting Through Grief

Getting Through Grief and Letting Go

Letting go of grief is no easy task. Grief is something you might be holding tight to—a reminder of your loved one or a connection to their memory. Loosening your grip and ultimately surrendering your grief can seem like a scary and daunting task but it’s a necessary process you must go through to once again be whole.

New Hampshire Therapist Dr. Karyn Gunnet-Shoval, PhD, LP is a licensed Psychologist in NH, NY & VT and also PSYPACT approved to Practice Telehealth in 30+ States.

A Psychologist in Private Practice as well as a Lecturer, Harvard University and Assistant Professor & Director, Arkansas State University.

Specializing in Assessment, Diagnosis, and Treatment of adults, older teens, groups, and couples including patients presenting concerns such as mood disorders, personality disorders, & trauma.

If you are looking for a “Psychologist near me” look no further. New York, NY 10023Bedford, NH 03110 | (646) 762-0960.

Before you can let go of grief, you must spend ample time with it. Letting go of grief isn’t something that can be done in a few weeks time. You must first allow yourself time to mourn, cry, anguish, and long for your loved one. The grief process is essential to your healing and shouldn’t be rushed.

There was work to be done—calls and emails to be sent, accounts to be closed, a funeral home to visit, details to be arranged. It was easy to get wound up in the process that occurs after one dies. For me, it provided a purpose, but it also provided a distraction. And I let it take over.

There is life after grief, however. Once you have moved through your grief, taking your time to allow natural feelings to flow and time to care for yourself, you might wake one day and find yourself ready for a fresh start. Just as Spring follows Winter, a new season is in bloom in your life—a season without daily pain and emotions of grief. You have changed and grown as a result of your loss and season of grief and it’s time to embrace the new you and step back out into the world.

Manage your mental health symptoms through Online Counseling in New Jersey

Do you want to improve your mental health? Contact me to learn more about working together through online counseling in New Jersey.

I now also offer online counseling in Pennsylvaniacontact me to learn more.

Steps for Working Through Grief

walking-on-a-path

Your Journey

Once you’ve shed the heavy load of grief and embark on your new journey, keep in mind five important steps you must take:

1. Take Responsibility for Your Own Life: It’s time to realize you are no longer responsible for your loved one. You must give up any excuses for not moving forward in life and take 100% responsibility for yourself.

2. Change Your Way of Thinking: It’s time to change any negative self-talk to words of affirmation. Change “I can’t do that…” to “I can do anything!”, and “That won’t happen…” to “I can see this happening!”. Having a positive can-do attitude will sustain you on this new path.

3. Do Something New: You are a new person so it’s only fitting you do something new. Learn a new skill, travel to new places, do something you never thought you would do. Even if you think you don’t like something or think of something as too scary, just try it! You might discover that you actually like it after all or that taking risks can actually be fun.

4. Set New Personal Goals: Set new goals that you can begin to work towards. Set one goal for one year from now, another for two years from now, and a third for five years from now. Write these goals down in a journal or save them to your computer where you can find and revisit them often. Having goals to work towards will keep you moving on your new journey.

5. Help Someone Else: One of the best things you can do with all the lessons you’ve learned from your time in grief is to help another through their journey. You can volunteer at a hospice or community grief support center, moderate small grief-support groups, or be a one-on-one companion for someone who has just experienced a devastating loss. You will not only receive the reward of helping another in need, but you will also be frequently reminded of how far you have come.

Recognize this Grief as Normal

Flowers

Recognize grief as normal

Remember that you will hit bumps in the road along the way. There will be days when your grief sneaks back in and threatens to derail your journey ahead. Recognize this grief as normal, allow it to visit for a short time, then send it on its way and continue down your path of healing.

By Angela Morrow, RN and Fact checked by Lisa Sullivan, MS

Photos: Pexels

Shifting red flags to green flags: how to avoid the “situationship”

By: Alison Printz, LSW

Swipe right on a picture of a cute stranger. Match with them. They message you. Go out on a few dates. A few dates turn into a couple months of dating. They’ve met your friends, they spend Sunday mornings with you having bagels, they’re best friends with your dog. Then when it’s time to define the relationship…they suddenly “aren’t ready for a relationship?

Welcome to the “situationship”.

Where you quite weren’t in a relationship, but acted like you were in one. It brings up all the feelings of a breakup: sadness, anger, confusion, frustration. It’s grieving a loss, just like any breakup, with or without a label. It’s a vicious cycle over and over again that is all too common in modern dating.

confusion

Confusion

Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Once you’re ready to go back out there, what can you do to change the pattern?

Here are some suggestions:

  1. Be clear on what you want early on in the relationship:
    Communicating your needs and expectations in the relationship early and often provides clarity. Finding out if you and your potential partner are on the same page can save you from heartbreak down the line. This way, you can know if you want to continue or to cut ties.
  2. Pay attention to what someone DOES not what they SAY:
    A good clue to know if someone is committed to the relationship is through their actions. Does this person have consistent communication, or are they only in contact every so often? Are they making plans days in advance, or last minute ones? Is the communication more initiated on your side than theirs? Do they respect your boundaries that you set? These are often hints as to how they would act in a relationship long-term.
  3. Profiles tell all:
    On dating apps, someone’s profile can give you clues as to what they are looking for. Do they have thoughtful and articulate prompts or answers? Are their pictures appropriate and not gym selfies? Do they have anything listed on their profile that tells you that they are looking for a long-term relationship?

While there are no hard and fast rules, these guidelines might help in finding a person who may be emotionally available and ready to be in a relationship.

Looking for support?

Looking for support?

Does this sound familiar?

Are you looking for a supportive community of women in a similar position? We have a Dating Support Group starting on July 17, led by Ali Printz, LSW. The group will be meeting bi-weekly, virtually, Mondays from 7:30-8:30 pm. To sign up or receive more information, please contact us.

Does Self Help Help?

Self-help books and resources can provide valuable insights and strategies for personal development and growth. They often encourage us to “Eat the Frog” or “Do Hard Things” as a means to overcome challenges and achieve our goals. While these principles are helpful, many of us find that there are deeper reasons why we struggle to implement them in our lives.

“Just Do It”

If it were as easy as the slogans suggest, we would all simply “Just Do It.” However, the reality is that personal change is complex and multifaceted. It requires a more personalized and introspective approach. To create substantive change in our lives, we need to embark on a journey of self-study and exploration.

Not sure why parts of your character hold you back in your work?

For Stress Counseling, Tom Kearns, LMSW of Kearns Group New York City helps individuals study the gap between goals and their achievement. Through a contextual counseling we reveal the stress that gets in the way and design strategies to better reach their achievement. Conveniently located in Greenwich Village near Union Square.

Being Nervous

Being Nervous

Why do we experience nervousness when faced with public speaking? Why is it so difficult to give up our favorite sweets? Why do we struggle to accept feedback from others? These are not easy questions to answer, but they hold the key to unlocking personal transformation.

By taking the time to study our own motivations, fears, insecurities, and strengths, we gain deeper insights into ourselves. This self-exploration allows us to build more personalized strategies to better manage life’s challenges and reach our goals. It requires a willingness to dive into our own inner world and confront our vulnerabilities.

Therapy & Coaching

Working with a therapist or coach can be immensely helpful in this process. They provide a supportive and non-judgmental space where we can explore our weaknesses, nervous areas, and blind spots. Through their guidance, we can shed light on the hidden aspects of ourselves that influence our behaviors and decision-making.

shed-light

Shedding light on behaviors

By uncovering why certain things are personally difficult for us, we gain a greater understanding of ourselves. This newfound self-awareness becomes the foundation upon which we can build meaningful and lasting change. Armed with this knowledge, we can develop personalized strategies to navigate our challenges more effectively and make progress towards our goals.

Investing time in self-study is an investment in our own growth and well-being. It allows us to cultivate a deeper connection with ourselves and develop a more compassionate and empowering relationship with who we are. Through self-reflection, we can uncover the patterns, beliefs, and emotions that shape our experiences.

Ultimately, personal transformation is a journey of self-discovery. It requires courage, patience, and a willingness to confront our innermost selves. By embracing this journey and dedicating ourselves to understanding our own motivations and fears, we open the door to personal growth and a more fulfilling life.

Invest in yourself

So, take the time to invest in yourself. Engage in self-study, whether through therapy, coaching, or personal reflection. Explore your weaknesses, fears, and insecurities. Shine a light on your blind spots. Because in uncovering why things are personally difficult, we pave the way for them to become easier. Personal growth and a more fulfilling life await those who embark on this path of self-discovery.

Exploring the Greek Forms of Love: A Therapist’s Perspective on Understanding the Dimensions of Relating

Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion that influences our relationships and overall well-being. As therapists, we strive to unravel the intricacies of human connections, seeking to guide individuals on their path to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. In this article, we delve into the ancient Greek forms of love, shedding light on how they can help us better understand the dimensions of relating.

The Greek Forms of Love

The ancient Greeks identified several distinct forms of love, each capturing a unique aspect of human connection. By examining these forms, we can gain valuable insights into the diverse dimensions of love and how they impact our relationships.

1. Eros: Passionate Love

Eros represents the romantic and passionate form of love, characterized by intense desire, attraction, and physical connection. It embodies the initial stages of infatuation, where emotions run high, and the focus is primarily on the physical and sexual aspects of a relationship. While Eros can ignite the spark of a connection, it alone is often unsustainable for long-term relationships. Therapeutically, exploring Eros helps individuals acknowledge and appreciate the importance of passionate desire while seeking to balance it with other dimensions of love.

Deep Friendship

Deep Friendship

2. Philia: Deep Friendship

Philia represents the deep bond of friendship, rooted in mutual respect, trust, and shared values. This form of love emphasizes companionship, understanding, and support. Philia allows individuals to connect on an intellectual and emotional level, fostering a sense of belonging and acceptance. In therapy, promoting the development of Philia involves encouraging clients to cultivate meaningful connections based on shared interests, empathy, and respect.

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3. Storge: Familial Love

Storge refers to the natural, affectionate love experienced within families and close-knit communities. It embodies the bonds formed through familiarity, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging. Storge is a love that is nurtured and grows over time, emphasizing loyalty, care, and commitment. As therapists, we recognize the importance of Storge in promoting healthy family dynamics and encourage clients to explore and cultivate this form of love within their familial relationships.

Selfless Love

Selfless Love

4. Agape: Selfless Love

Agape represents selfless and unconditional love, transcending personal desires and expectations. It embodies empathy, compassion, and altruism, where the well-being and happiness of the loved one take precedence over one’s own. Agape fosters an atmosphere of acceptance, forgiveness, and emotional generosity. Therapeutically, understanding Agape helps individuals cultivate compassion and develop a deeper sense of empathy towards their loved ones, leading to healthier and more harmonious relationships.

5. Philautia: Self-Love

Philautia denotes the love of oneself, encompassing both self-compassion and self-worth. It involves nurturing a positive self-image, recognizing personal strengths and limitations, and practicing self-care. Philautia is essential for healthy relationships, as it enables individuals to establish boundaries, engage in self-reflection, and make choices that align with their well-being. As therapists, we work to promote Philautia by helping clients develop self-compassion and cultivate a healthy sense of self-worth.

Applying the Greek Forms of Love in Therapy

Understanding the Greek forms of love allows therapists to assist clients in navigating the complexities of their relationships. By exploring and integrating these dimensions, individuals can gain insight into their own emotional needs and desires, as well as the needs of their loved ones. Therapists may employ various therapeutic approaches, such as cognitive-behavioral techniques, psychodynamic exploration, and mindfulness exercises, to facilitate the development and integration of these forms of love into clients’ lives.

Conclusion

The Greek forms of love offer a profound framework for understanding.

love and understanding

Love and understanding

Why EFT tapping is a great form of therapy

The daily grind sometimes seems to just build up and build up over time. We often don’t realize how much we are carrying or how much pressure we are experiencing until something minute tips the scale. When that happens, we may become increasingly aware of the discomfort, emotional or physical, that is present for us. Sometimes just the ability to tolerate and sit with the discomfort and figure out where it’s coming from can feel unattainable. One of the ways, people have found to sit what that discomfort and become curious about its origins, is to use Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping (most commonly referred to as “EFT tapping”).

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When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions| (970) 388-1903

EFT tapping is a type of therapy that involves tapping on specific points on the body while focusing on a particular emotional or physical issue.

It is based on the principles of acupuncture and aims to rebalance the body’s energy system and ultimately to alleviate the discomfort.

EFT Tapping

EFT promotes good energy

EFT tapping has been found to be helpful for addressing these discomforts in life because it can:

  1. Reduce stress – Tapping has been shown to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol in body which can help to alleviate physical and emotional stress.
  2. Alleviate anxiety and depression – tapping can reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression by addressing the underlying emotional causes of these conditions. By tapping on the acupressure points, individuals can help release and rebalance the energy in their body, which can assist them in feeling more relaxed and centered. Additionally, EFT can help individuals identify and address the underlying causes of their anxiety which can lead to long-term healing.
  3. Manage physical pain – EFT tapping can support the reduction of physical pain by reducing the emotion distress that often accompanies it. By addressing the emotion component of the pain, tapping can help to reduce the intensity.
  4. Improve sleep – Tapping has been found to be helpful for improving sleep quality by reducing levels of stress and anxiety which are often associated with sleep disturbances.
  5. Increase self-awareness – By focusing on specific issues while tapping individuals can become more aware of their emotional and physical states, which can help them to better manage their emotions and behaviors.
EFT Tapping

EFT promotes better sleep

In addition to reducing cortisol levels, EFT tapping has been found to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body’s relaxation response. This can help to counteract the effects of the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for the body’s fight or flight response and can contribute to feelings of stress and anxiety.

EFT tapping is something you can practice on your own and also with an EFT practitioner.

Utilizing EFT tapping with a practitioner may allow an outside perspective to the issue that you have not yet noticed and it may also support you as you are working towards healing with new issues or discomforts. If you are interested in learning more about EFT tapping or you already use this resource and want to join with an EFT practitioner to support or enhance your current practice, please reach out and set up a free 30 minute consultation to see the options you have available.

Open Letter – Learning to Connect

The following is part of an email thread between a client and myself.

I thought I would post it as there is value here for everyone feeling the effects of what I call “parenting anomalies”.

Parenting

Parenting

“Q: How can I fix my childhood neglect?

A: The problem is there is no one magic thing that anyone can say, that will immediately fix what you and so many others suffer from. It works like this. Humans are highly adaptive – we learn and compensate to survive our environment but it a long process. The traumas you experienced as a kid were prolonged and immersive. The process of rewiring your brain from that is also long and immersive, but absolutely attainable.

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In my experience, healing starts here:

As concisely as I can put it – you need to learn to be loved unconditionally – literally learn it from scratch. Self-love and receiving love, are essential components to human development and sustainability. Simply not optional.

If we are lucky, we get to learn this in early childhood by connecting with our caregivers. As early as infancy, social deprivation such as lack of warmth, eye contact, physical touch, and lack of encouragement leave can leave us with problems comprehending the value of human bonding later in life. Attempts to connect, or other’s attempts to connect with us can feel invasive, weird, irritating, scary, or even threatening. Which keeps reinforcing the false belief “I am broken” because legitimate connecting feels different than what we think it should be.

How do we learn to be loved? By repeatedly connecting with safe people while dropping expectations and conditions. Letting you guard down and leaning into that uncomfortable state of vulnerability and uncertainty when people want to connect with us. Taking in offers of warmth and validation.

Love

Learn to love and be loved

Then appreciating that it feels correct, appropriate, and in turn conditioning yourself to be okay with it. Soon enough, as the irrefutable evidence builds you start to believe that – you are good, you are worthy, you are safe, you are valuable.

One of my favorite metaphors is that accurate validation, once learned to be accepted, manifests into self-worth – which is the glue that holds our identity together.

An obstacle is here – as it is for most everybody:

You can’t do it on your own terms, the way you think it should happen. Because to be blunt, you don’t know what you’re doing – you haven’t completely learned how.

These are your defenses struggling for control. You have had to tell yourself that taking emotional risk was only for pussies. Same old excuse used by countless individuals. Served you well in the past in order to survive, but no longer needed. No longer needed. No longer useful.

Here is the other obstacle:

Booze.

Works very well in the short term for remedying the feelings of shame, or any feelings for that matter. It’s the only time we feel that we are winning.

In the insightful lyrics offered by Gordon Lightfoot’s “Sundown” – “Sometimes I think it’s a shame. When I get feeling better, when I’m feeling no pain,”

But it’s a trap, a repeating cycle.

[Boozing >> guilt/shame >> efforts to quit >> emotional trigger >> anxiety/irritability >> boozing]

The emotional trigger can be attempts to connect with someone in a meaningful way.

My theory is that every-time we rinse our brains in booze, it seems to undo any therapeutic progress, and we are back to square one.

I see a ton of progress in our time together.

We have brought awareness to and mapped out what’s going on – that’s the first step. The other big shift I see – you are seeing yourself as an agent of change, rather than external factors.

trust

Leaning to trust

I think you are actually starting to trust me – this can take time especially if you aren’t used to trusting anyone.

Things to work on: Pick the one that seems most workable.

  • We must “solve” your childhood trauma – it must be grieved for. It has to be expressed viscerally. Part of that is expressing anger at your parents for what they did/didn’t do to you. I think your feeling this intuitively now. If it can’t be addressed directly to your parents, then we need to write a letter to them which doesn’t have to be delivered. Or we chip away at in therapy as consistently as we can. Then we reframe that anger into compassion. It’s possible to be furious at them and have compassion for them. Both can be true at the same time.
  • Stop drinking when you get emotionally triggered. That’s the time to reach out to me or a friend that can help you process and communicate what you are feeling. We need to ride out those emotions and train your brain that it’s okay to feel stuff, that it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s worked for us in the past right? We’ve been able to break that cycle before, a few times.
  • Keep trying to connect with people, that share your values, that make sense to you, exclusively. Be aware of when judgement or expectations arise but offer them no credibility – they are just thoughts that in the past, served to protect you from emotional risk. Let that old shit go.

 

I know sensible people are hard to find these days but do your best and don’t stop trying.”

Carving Your Riverbed

Creating boundaries

Looking back through an old journal, I read a reflection on the function of boundaries during a time I was feeling the impact of a lack of them in my life. Our boundaries exist in us. Even if we aren’t aware of them, we feel when they are crossed. There’s an emotional cost that, over time, can become detrimental to our well-being and our relationships. In my journal, I wrote:

Boundaries are the carving of the riverbed

so water can flow, otherwise

water will dam and spill over

or spread into a thin, lost layer over the earth

In simple terms, I like to think of boundaries as where we end, and someone else begins. If we have a clear sense of our boundaries and we protect them, life feels more like it’s flowing. If we let people into our space beyond what we are comfortable with, we can feel blocked, flooded, and overwhelmed. If we give too much of ourselves away, whether it’s with oversharing, over-giving, or generally overdoing, we are spread into a thin layer – we don’t feel like ourselves because so much of ourselves has gotten away from us.

River thru a canyon

River thru a canyon

Thus, the need to find and define our riverbed. Our boundaries may shift depending on our life circumstances or particular relationships. Since I’ve had a child, I’m more aware of the boundaries that need to get created around my time and the way I want to use my energy. For people in my life that I know feel more draining – that spread me into a thin layer of myself – I have firmer boundaries.

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Ways to create stronger boundaries for me include limiting what I share, and how often and how long I speak to or see someone. It’s not really about the other person, it’s about taking care of me. It requires attuning to yourself, noticing what’s happening in your body and mind in different circumstances and around certain people. This applies to counseling as well.

Hands over heart

Hands over heart

There are people who fill me up; who I can spend hours talking to and still feel contained within myself – perhaps even expanded, but in a nice way. Due to my time and energy limitations, I may not talk to these people as often, but this boundary again is not related to the person – it’s related to noticing how it feels when I put pressure on myself to reach out when I don’t have the emotional or time resources to do so. I’m attuning to myself.

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Boundaries are fluid like water

Though this description of boundaries is not comprehensive, one thing I would like to highlight is that our boundaries are fluid – like water. Boundaries are a process of being oriented toward ourselves in a caring and compassionate way. When we commit to finding and honoring our boundaries, we discover so much about ourselves – our needs, what lights us up, what helps us flow, what kind of people we are drawn to, how much alone time we need, what our limits are.

Boundaries aren’t just for relationships. Like I mentioned above, we can protect our time and energy with boundaries, but boundaries also apply to areas including finances, our physical space, our sexuality, and our spirituality. Attuning to ourselves so we can set healthy boundaries can feel really challenging at first, especially if we struggle with asserting ourselves or connecting to ourselves, but over time, the process can start to be a natural and invaluable resource.

Melanie Wendt is a Los Gatos Therapist specializing in Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos.
Do you have the feeling that you’re falling behind and can’t keep up with everything and everyone in Silicon Valley? Constant pressure to perform while managing relationships and family life can come with a price of poor mental health when not done intentionally and in balance. Finding your version of greatness is worth investing in. I use evidence-based techniques to help you find balance so that you can focus on what you set out to do without being overwhelmed by self-doubt and anxiety.
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Types of boundaries

Building healthy boundaries — whether you’re at work, at home, or hanging out with friends — hinges on understanding the types of boundaries.

There are five different types:

Physical. This refers to your personal space, your privacy, and your body. You might be someone who is comfortable with public displays of affection (hugs, kisses, and hand-holding), or you might be someone who prefers not to be touched in public.

Sexual. These are your expectations concerning intimacy. Sexual comments and touches might be uncomfortable for you.

Intellectual. These boundaries concern your thoughts and beliefs. Intellectual boundaries are not respected when someone dismisses another person’s ideas and opinions.

Emotional. This refers to a person’s feelings. You might not feel comfortable sharing your feelings about everything with a friend or partner. Instead, you prefer to share gradually over time.

Financial. This one, as you guessed, is all about money. If you like to save money — not spend it on trendy fashions — you might not want to loan money to a friend who does.

When you get ready to establish your boundaries, be sure to take each one into account.

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Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

For Grief Counseling Redbank, NJ  and Grief Counseling Westfield, NJ  contact therapist Margaret Lundrigan, Psy.D., LCSW of Lundrigan Counseling and Psychological Services. Margaret’s approach is dynamic and supportive and geared to helping people find solutions to the challenges of through grief therapy.
Grief counselor near me – 55 Highway 35, Suite 6, Red Bank, Monmouth County, NJ 07701 | (908) 838-7209.

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When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions | (970) 388-1903

Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, specializes in Breathwork for trauma. When searching for breathwork near me Practice Breathwork is the breathing community you have been looking for. Alicia also provides Somatic Practices and Psychotherapy at Ahimsa Therapy in Frederick Maryland. Although her services are offered primarily in the virtual space, Alicia also has a physical sacred space in Frederick Maryland, please inquire.

Boundaries are essential

For various reasons and look different to everyone. You might be concerned that they will make you seem unfriendly or confrontational, but as this Inside Mental Health podcast from Psych Central reveals, it is possible to maintain them without upsetting those you care about.

Don’t feel guilty about setting boundaries. They’re essentially a form of self-care, and we actively look to incorporate other elements of this into our lives daily — from eating a balanced diet to exercising. This is no different!

It might take some time and consideration to decipher the boundaries most important to you and the best ways to implement them, but your mental well-being will appreciate the effort in the long run.

Photo by Aleksandr Kozlovskii on Unsplash
Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
Photo by Marc Zimmer on Unsplash

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Getting Through Grief and Letting Go

Letting go of grief is no easy task. Grief is something you might be holding tight to—a reminder of your loved one or a connection to their memory. Loosening your grip and ultimately surrendering your grief can seem like a scary and daunting task but it’s a necessary process you must go through to once again be whole.

Before you can let go of grief, you must spend ample time with it. Letting go of grief isn’t something that can be done in a few weeks time. You must first allow yourself time to mourn, cry, anguish, and long for your loved one. The grief process is essential to your healing and shouldn’t be rushed.

There is life after grief, however. Once you have moved through your grief, taking your time to allow natural feelings to flow and time to care for yourself, you might wake one day and find yourself ready for a fresh start. Just as Spring follows Winter, a new season is in bloom in your life—a season without daily pain and emotions of grief. You have changed and grown as a result of your loss and season of grief and it’s time to embrace the new you and step back out into the world.

For Grief Counseling Redbank, NJ  and Grief Counseling Westfield, NJ  contact therapist Margaret Lundrigan, Psy.D., LCSW of Lundrigan Counseling and Psychological Services. Margaret’s approach is dynamic and supportive and geared to helping people find solutions to the challenges of through grief therapy.
Grief counselor near me – 55 Highway 35, Suite 6, Red Bank, Monmouth County, NJ 07701 | (908) 838-7209.

Steps for Working Through Grief

Bird on a cherry Blossom

Steps for Working Through Grief

Once you’ve shed the heavy load of grief and embark on your new journey, keep in mind five important steps you must take:

  1. Take Responsibility for Your Own Life: It’s time to realize you are no longer responsible for your loved one. You must give up any excuses for not moving forward in life and take 100% responsibility for yourself.
  2. Change Your Way of Thinking: It’s time to change any negative self-talk to words of affirmation. Change “I can’t do that…” to “I can do anything!”, and “That won’t happen…” to “I can see this happening!”. Having a positive can-do attitude will sustain you on this new path.
  3. Do Something New: You are a new person so it’s only fitting you do something new. Learn a new skill, travel to new places, do something you never thought you would do. Even if you think you don’t like something or think of something as too scary, just try it! You might discover that you actually like it after all or that taking risks can actually be fun.
  4. Set New Personal Goals: Set new goals that you can begin to work towards. Set one goal for one year from now, another for two years from now, and a third for five years from now. Write these goals down in a journal or save them to your computer where you can find and revisit them often. Having goals to work towards will keep you moving on your new journey.
  5. Help Someone Else: One of the best things you can do with all the lessons you’ve learned from your time in grief is to help another through their journey. You can volunteer at a hospice or community grief support center, moderate small grief-support groups, or be a one-on-one companion for someone who has just experienced a devastating loss. You will not only receive the reward of helping another in need, but you will also be frequently reminded of how far you have come.

Remember that you will hit bumps in the road along the way. There will be days when your grief sneaks back in and threatens to derail your journey ahead. Recognize this grief as normal, allow it to visit for a short time, then send it on its way and continue down your path of healing.

Grief occurs any time we experience loss. It appears after a clear loss, like the death of a loved one, or a loss like a divorce or loss of identity. Grief is a natural, normal process to help us get through and process the experience.

If you are unsure whether you are experiencing grief or finding it challenging to work through bereavement, grief counseling can offer support and helpful ways to bring meaning to the loss and allow you to move forward through your grief.

Tips to Help Yourself in Times of Grief

Sunrise

Tips to Help Yourself in Times of Grief

Grief is a journey you must endure after the loss of a loved one. It’s easy to become overwhelmed as you work through the phases and tasks of grief so it’s important to remember to care for yourself.

Here are 10 tips, collected from people who have traveled this road before you, to help you along this journey.

Water-Drops

Here are 10 tips, collected from people who have traveled this road before you, to help you along this journey.

  • Seek and Accept Support: You cannot travel this path alone. You need the support and care of others. Call on a trusted family member or friend, church clergy, or professional counselors. Call your local hospice agency or community grief center for advice to get you started.
  • Accept Your Grief: Don’t try to run and hide from your grief. You need to experience the pain and sorrow to be able to move past it and on toward healing.
  • Find Role Models: You are not the first to travel the road of grief. Discover how others have coped with loss before you. This will provide you with a model to base your own healing on and remind you that you are not alone. Read books on grief and meet others who have worked through grief at support groups.
  • Learn About Grief. The more you know about grief and dispel the myths surrounding it, the more you will realize that your grief is normal. You also might discover warning signs that your grief is complicated and that you need more help to cope. Either way, knowledge is power.
  • Express Your Grief: Grief cannot stay hidden deep within you. The best way to work through grief is to let it out. Cry, scream, and yell if you need to. Express your feelings through music, art, poetry, or journaling. Whether you express your grief with a safe person you trust or let it out in complete privacy, expressing your feelings is the only true way to honor your grief and begin to work through it.
  • Accept Your Feelings: Grief can bring many different feelings to the surface—some very intense. Acknowledge these feelings and accept them as part of the natural grieving process. Don’t hold in anger, sadness, or longing. These are important feelings that, once expressed, help you heal.
  • Pace Yourself: Grief can be exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to feel so intensely. Allow yourself plenty of time to do everyday activities and don’t over-schedule yourself. Rest when you need to and offer yourself some grace.
  • Get Involved in Something: Getting involved in work or some other activity you enjoy can keep you focused and offer a welcome distraction from your grief. If that activity is especially meaningful or helpful to others, you might find it also raises your spirits.
  • Have a Little Fun: Sometimes grieving people won’t allow themselves to have any fun—as if sharing a laugh with someone is somehow dishonoring the memory of their loved one. The truth is, laughter is excellent medicine. A great way to have some genuine fun is to surround yourself with children or animals.
  • Keep the Faith: Remember that intense grief doesn’t last forever. One of my favorite sayings goes, “Faith is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to go on when fear is present.” Keep the faith that you will one day heal and be whole again.

By Angela Morrow, RN and Fact checked by Lisa Sullivan, MS

Photos: Unsplash

How to Channel Your Mind’s Inner Chatter

How to Channel Your Mind’s Inner Chatter

As naturally as we breathe, we “decouple” from the here and now, our brains transporting us to past events, imagined scenarios, and other internal musings. This tendency is so fundamental it has a name: our “default state.” It is the activity our brain automatically reverts to when not otherwise engaged, and often even when we are otherwise engaged.

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When life feels overwhelming we can help you figure out how to create more peace and joy. Together we can create a plan to build more happiness into your life and move away from patterns of anxiety and depression. Contact a counselor near me: Ashley Mauldin, MA, LPC, EMDR and Jodi Hill, Licensed Professional Counselor Candidate (LPCC) of New Awareness Counseling, LLC.
386 W. Main Unit 102 New Castle, CO 81647 | Telehealth – Secure online sessions | (970) 388-1903

You’ve no doubt noticed your own mind wander, as if of its own volition, when you were supposed to be focusing on a task. We are perpetually slipping away from the present into the parallel, nonlinear world of our minds, involuntarily sucked back “inside” on a minute-to-minute basis. In light of this, the expression “the life of the mind” takes on new and added meaning: much of our life is the mind. So what often happens when we slip away?

For Grief Counseling Redbank, NJ  and Grief Counseling Westfield, NJ  contact Margaret Lundrigan, Psy.D., LCSW of Lundrigan Counseling and Psychological Services. Margaret’s approach is dynamic and supportive and geared to helping people find solutions to the challenges of grief.
Grief counselor near me – 55 Highway 35, Suite 6, Red Bank, Monmouth County, NJ 07701 (908) 838-7209.

inner-chatter

Abstract images depicting chatter

We talk to ourselves. And we listen to what we say.

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia. With offices located in ADHD treatment Main Line at 40 E. Montgomery Ave. Ardmore, PA 19003.

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New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard. For a “therapist near me56 Leonard Street, Apt 17AE, New York, NY 10013

Humanity has grappled with the phenomenon of the inner voice since the dawn of civilization. Early Christian mystics were thoroughly annoyed by the voice in their head always intruding on their silent contemplation. Some even considered these voices demonic. Around the same time, in the East, Chinese Buddhists theorized about the turbulent mental weather that could cloud one’s emotional landscape.

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They called it “deluded thought.” And yet many of these very same ancient cultures believed that their inner voice was a source of wisdom, a belief that undergirds several millennia-old practices like silent prayer and meditation. The fact that multiple spiritual traditions have both feared our inner voice and noted its value speaks to the ambivalent attitudes to our internal conversations that still persist today.

The flow of words is so inextricable from our inner lives that it persists even in the face of vocal impairments. Some people who stutter, for example, report talking more fluently in their minds than they do out loud. Deaf people who use sign language talk to themselves too, though they have their own form of inner language. It involves silently signing to themselves, similar to how people who can hear use words to talk to themselves privately. The inner voice is a basic feature of the mind.

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Although the inner voice functions well much of the time, it often leads to chatter—the cyclical negative thoughts and emotions that turn our singular capacity for introspection into a curse rather than a blessing.

Melanie Wendt is a Los Gatos Therapist specializing in Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos.
Do you have the feeling that you’re falling behind and can’t keep up with everything and everyone in Silicon Valley? Constant pressure to perform while managing relationships and family life can come with a price of poor mental health when not done intentionally and in balance. Finding your version of greatness is worth investing in. I use evidence-based techniques to help you find balance so that you can focus on what you set out to do without being overwhelmed by self-doubt and anxiety.
Therapist Near Me
Therapist Los Gatos, Melanie Wendt, M.A. M.Ed., LPCC, Licensed Therapist & Clinical Counselor practicing at 10 Jackson St., Suite 204, Los Gatos, CA 95030, Phone: 408-320-5554

If you’ve ever silently repeated a phone number to memorize it, replayed a conversation imagining what you should have said, or verbally coached yourself through a problem or skill, then you’ve employed your inner voice. Most people rely on and benefit from theirs every day. And when they disconnect from the present, it’s often to converse with that voice or hear what it has to say—and it can have a lot to say.

Alice Shepard, Ph.D. of Mirielle Therapy Practice New York City specializes in Women and Relationships Therapy NYC, helping early and mid-career women who are looking to make important changes in their lives. Issues that are at the core of ones’ identity can be so painful when they are not going well. Concerns about dating, love, friendships, work, family, loss, or health can generate intense feelings of sadness, worry, insecurity, and stress.

Although the inner voice functions well much of the time, it often leads to chatter—the cyclical negative thoughts and emotions that turn our singular capacity for introspection into a curse rather than a blessing. This often happens precisely when we need our inner voice the most—when our stress is up, the stakes are high, and we encounter difficult emotions that call for the utmost poise.

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Sometimes this chatter takes the form of a rambling soliloquy; sometimes it’s a dialogue we have with ourselves. Sometimes it’s a compulsive rehashing of past events (rumination); sometimes it’s an angst-ridden imagining of future events (worry). Sometimes it’s a free-associative pinballing between negative feelings and ideas. Sometimes it’s a fixation on one specific unpleasant feeling or notion. However it manifests itself, when the inner voice runs amok and chatter takes the mental microphone, our mind not only torments but paralyzes us. It can also lead us to do things that sabotage us.

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Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

The key to beating chatter isn’t to stop talking to yourself. The challenge is to figure out how to do so more effectively.

But the instruments necessary for reducing chatter and harnessing our inner voice aren’t something we need to go looking for. They are readily available, waiting for us to put them to work. The key to beating chatter isn’t to stop talking to yourself. The challenge is to figure out how to do so more effectively.

Benu Lahiry, LMFT Marriage & Family Therapy Seattle, WA 98115-7413 Phone: 304 654 9206 specializing in interracial couples therapy Seattle, WA. Marriage counseling Seattle is for all of us, but what it means is unique to each of us. We share much in common, we carry experiences, beliefs, dreams, and fears that are ours alone.

In my book, I review the different tools that exist for helping people resolve the tension between getting caught in negative thought spirals and thinking clearly and constructively. Below are several tools that you might try out to help calm your own chatter and to provide chatter support to others.

Tools You Can Implement on Your Own

wall of tools

Wall of tools

*Imagine advising a friend. One way to think about your experience from a distanced perspective is to imagine what you would say to a friend experiencing the same problem as you. Think about the advice you’d give that person, and then apply it to yourself.

Stephen I. Rosen has been providing psychotherapy and coaching services to individuals, Couples Therapy Washington DC Area and families for over twenty years. In addition to my private practice, I am the cofounder of a training and coaching organization that provides virtual training and coaching services to companies. I have also served as the executive director of an organization that provides behavioral health and substance abuse treatment services at clinics throughout the United States.

*Reinterpret your body’s chatter response. The bodily symptoms of stress (for example, an upset stomach before, say, a date or presentation) are often themselves stressful (for instance, chatter causes your stomach to grumble, which perpetuates your chatter, which leads your stomach to continue to grumble). When this happens, remind yourself that your bodily response to stress is an adaptive evolutionary reaction that improves performance under high-stress conditions. In other words, tell yourself that your sudden rapid breathing, pounding heartbeat, and sweaty palms are there not to sabotage you but to help you respond to a challenge.

Elaine A. Thomas, Psy.D.
As a therapist, I facilitate self-understanding and discovery which creates new coping strategies for anxiety, depression, stress, and trauma. I provide treatment for anxiety, child developmental trauma, PTSD therapy, couples therapy, and family conflict marriage counseling Atlanta Georgia. Please see my new book ‘Mindfulness Workbook for Perfectionism, Effective Strategies to Overcome Your Inner Critic and Find Balance’.

*Engage in mental time travel. Another way to gain distance and broaden your perspective is to think about how you’ll feel a month, a year, or even longer from now. Remind yourself that you’ll look back on whatever is upsetting you in the future and it’ll seem much less upsetting. Doing so highlights the impermanence of your current emotional state.

Tools for Providing Chatter Support

Patrice Hooke, LMFT offers Couples counseling Costa Mesa Newport Beach Orange county California working with Individuals, Couples, Adults, and Adolescents. Specialties: Depression Grief Loss Relationship Dating Issues Stress/Life Transitions Anxiety Mid-life fertility Issues.

Diane Gaston utilizes an approach to therapy that emphasizes all aspects of the individual, including the psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical. I specialize in PTSD trauma therapy long beach working with those who have affected and held back by past trauma and/or adverse life events. I also work individually and with couples who wish to improve their relationships.

*Address people’s emotional and cognitive needs. When people come to others for help with their chatter, they generally have two needs they’re trying to fulfill: They’re searching for care and support, on the one hand (emotional needs), and concrete advice about how to move forward and gain closure, on the other (cognitive needs). Addressing both of these needs is vital to your ability to calm other people’s chatter. Concretely, this involves not only empathically validating what people are going through but also broadening their perspective, providing hope, and normalizing their experience. This can be done in person, or via texting, social media, and other forms of digital communication.

Anxiety and Depression Counseling Chicago

Jana Fuchs, LCPC Owner and Founder of JF Counseling and Consulting specializes in therapy anxiety counseling for depression. My goal as a therapist is to help you find solutions that work for you and your individual needs. Search for a therapist near me and you will find I am located near West Lincoln Park and Bucktown in Chicago, IL 60614.

Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, specializes in Breathwork for trauma. When searching for breathwork near me Practice Breathwork is the breathing community you have been looking for. Alicia also provides Somatic Practices and Psychotherapy at Ahimsa Therapy in Frederick Maryland. Although her services are offered primarily in the virtual space, Alicia also has a physical sacred space in Frederick Maryland, please inquire.

*Tell your kids to pretend they’re a superhero. This strategy, popularized in the media as “the Batman effect,” is a distancing strategy that is particularly useful for children grappling with intense emotions. Ask them to pretend they’re a superhero or cartoon character they admire, and then nudge them to refer to themselves using that character’s name when they’re confronting a difficult situation. Doing so helps them distance.

Couples Therapy Palo Alto: Relationships in the Tech World. Being a Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bay Area specializing in Couples Therapy Palo Alto, means I have the privilege to meet clients from very diverse backgrounds. I am an  and I specialize in Individual and Couples Therapy Palo Alto. I’m Kin Leung, MFT Asian therapist and Licensed Marriage Counselor and Family Therapist with a special expertise working with Asian American families, couples, and individuals practicing in Burlingame, CA.

Not sure why parts of your character hold you back in your work? For Work Stress Counseling, Kearns Group helps individuals study the gap between goals and their achievement. Through a contextual counseling we reveal the stress that gets in the way and design strategies to better reach their achievement. Therapist conveniently located in Greenwich Village near Union Square New York City.

Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Man playing drums

By Ethan Kross
Photos: Unsplash

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Moon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment. Manage your mental health symptoms through Online Counseling in New Jersey. Do you want to improve your mental health? Contact me to learn more about working together through online counseling in New Jersey. Click here to learn more details on the book Wildly Wise: Trusting the Nature Within or to contact Sarah Tronco, LCSW.

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Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos: Researchers Reveal How Trauma Changes The Brain

Researchers are learning more about how traumatic events may physically change our brains and how anxiety therapy can help.

Neurologists have revealed changes to a brain mechanism used for learning and survival may play a role in how someone responds to a threat following a traumatic experience. Another study found that another mechanism responsible for emotion and memory is impacted and may make it difficult for someone with PTSD to discriminate between safety, danger, or reward. It overgeneralizes towards danger. These findings could significantly advance future treatments.

Exposure to trauma can be life-changing — and researchers are learning more about how traumatic events may physically change our brains. But these changes are not happening because of physical injury, rather our brain appears to rewire itself after these experiences. Understanding the mechanisms involved in these changes and how the brain learns about an environment and predicts threats and safety is a focus of the ZVR Lab at the Del Monte Institute for Neuroscience at the University of Rochester, which is led by assistant professor Benjamin Suarez- Jimenez, Ph.D.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Boy Reading

“We are learning more about how people exposed to trauma learn to distinguish between what is safe and what is not and how anxiety therapy helps. Their brain is giving us insight into what might be going awry in specific mechanisms that are impacted by trauma exposure, especially when emotion is involved,” said Suarez-Jimenez, who began this work as a post-doctoral fellow in the lab of Yuval Neria, Ph.D., professor at Columbia University Irving Medical Center.

Melanie Wendt is a Los Gatos Therapist specializing in Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos.
Do you have the feeling that you’re falling behind and can’t keep up with everything and everyone in Silicon Valley? Constant pressure to perform while managing relationships and family life can come with a price of poor mental health when not done intentionally and in balance. Finding your version of greatness is worth investing in. I use evidence-based techniques to help you find balance so that you can focus on what you set out to do without being overwhelmed by self-doubt and anxiety.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Woman Walking On Dock

Their research, recently published in Communications Biology, identified changes in the salience network — a mechanism in the brain used for learning and survival — in people exposed to trauma (with and without psychopathologies, including PTSD, depression, and anxiety). Using fMRI, the researchers recorded activity in the brains of participants as they looked at different-sized circles — only one size was associated with a small shock (or threat). Along with the changes in the salience network, researchers found another difference — this one within the trauma-exposed resilient group. In anxiety therapy they found the brains of people exposed to trauma without psychopathologies were compensating for changes in their brain processes by engaging the executive control network — one of the dominate networks of the brain.

“Knowing what to look for in the brain when someone is exposed to trauma could significantly advance treatments,” said Suarez-Jimenez, a co-first author with Xi Zhu, PhD, Assistant Professor of Clinical Neurobiology at Columbia, of this paper. “In this case, we know where a change is happening in the brain and how some people can work around that change. It is a marker of resilience.”

Adding the element of emotion

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Statue In A Garden

The possibility of threat can change how someone exposed to trauma reacts — researchers found this is the case in people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as described in a recent study in Depression & Anxiety. Suarez-Jimenez, his fellow co-authors, and senior author Neria found patients with PTSD can complete the same task as someone without exposure to trauma when no emotion is involved. However, when emotion invoked by a threat was added to a similar task, those with PTSD had more difficulty distinguishing between the differences.

The team used the same methods as the other experiment — different circle sizes with one size linked to a threat in the form of a shock. Using fMRI, researchers observed people with PTSD had less signaling between the hippocampus — an area of the brain responsible for emotion and memory — and the salience network — a mechanism used for learning and survival. They also detected less signaling between the amygdala (another area linked to emotion) and the default mode network (an area of the brain that activates when someone is not focused on the outside world). These findings reflect a person with PTSD’s inability to effectively distinguish differences between the circles.

“This tells us that patients with PTSD have issues discriminating only when there is an emotional component. In this case, aversive; we still need to confirm if this is true for other emotions like sadness, disgust, happiness, etc.,” said Suarez-Jimenez. “So, it might be that in the real-world emotions overload their cognitive ability to discriminate between safety, danger, or reward. It overgeneralizes towards danger.”

“Taken together, findings from both papers, coming out of a NIMH funded study and anxiety therapy aiming to uncover neural and behavioral mechanisms of trauma, PTSD and resilience, help to extend our knowledge about the effect of trauma on the brain,” said Neria, lead PI on this study. “PTSD is driven by remarkable dysfunction in brain areas vital to fear processing and response. My lab at Columbia and the Dr. Suarez-Jimenez lab at Rochester are committed to advance neurobiological research that will serve the purpose of development new and better treatments that can effectively target aberrant fear circuits.”

Suarez-Jimenez will continue exploring the brain mechanisms and the different emotions associated with them by using more real-life situations with the help of virtual reality in his lab. He wants to understand if these mechanisms and changes are specific to a threat and if they expand to context-related processes.

Anxiety Therapy Los Gatos

Woman In Nature

Additional authors include co-first authors John Keefe, Ph.D., of Albert Einstein College of Medicine and Xi Zhu, Ph.D., of Columbia University Irving Medical Center, Amit Lazarov, Ph.D., of Columbia University Irving Medical Center, Ariel Durosky of the University of Tulsa, Oklahoma, Sara Such of the University of Pennsylvania, Caroline Marohasy of the University of Washington, Seattle, and Shmuel Lissek of the University of Minnesota, Minneapolis. The research was supported by the National Institute of Mental Health.

Additional authors on the Communications Biology paper include co-first author Xi Zhu, Ph.D., Amit Lazarov, Ph.D., Scott Small, M.D., of Columbia University Irving Medical Center, Ariel Durosky of the University of Tulsa, Oklahoma, Sara Such of the University of Pennsylvania, Caroline Marohasy of the University of Washington, Seattle, Tor Wager, Ph.D., of Dartmouth College, Martin Lindquist, Ph.D. of Johns Hopkins, and Shmuel Lissek, Ph.D., of the University of Minnesota. The research was supported by the National Institute of Mental Health.

By University of Rochester Medical Center. Original written by Kelsie Smith Hayduk

Therapist Near Me

Therapist Los Gatos, Melanie Wendt, M.A. M.Ed., LPCC, Licensed Therapist & Clinical Counselor practicing at 10 Jackson St., Suite 204, Los Gatos, CA 95030, Phone: 408-320-5554

Photos: Unsplash

About Seasonal Depression

Depressed again for no apparent reason?

Do you or someone you know consistently feel depressed as we head into fall and winter? Seasonal Depression, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, is a type of depression that recurs for some individuals during the same time each year. SAD usually starts during adulthood and is rare for individuals under the age of twenty-one. The probability of SAD increases with age and Women are more impacted than men (CAMH, 2022).

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Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

seasonal-depression

Fall and winter can trigger seasonal depression

So far, the precise cause of seasonal affective disorder remains unknown. Research suggests that SAD is caused by decreased exposure to sunlight. It is thought that shorter days and less daylight may trigger a chemical change in the brain involving melatonin and or serotonin. Subsequently, these chemical changes lead to symptoms of depression.

The list of signs and symptoms of SAD is the same as the list for major depression. However, with SAD, these signs and symptoms appear and disappear at about the same time each year.

Symptoms are present most of the day, for up to two weeks, and include:

  • Increased sleep and daytime drowsiness
  • Loss of interest and pleasure in activities formerly enjoyed
  • Social withdrawal and increased sensitivity to rejection
  • Irritability and anxiety
  • Feelings of guilt and hopelessness
  • Fatigue, or low energy level
  • Decreased libido
  • Decreased ability to focus or concentrate
  • Brain fog
  • Increased appetite, especially for sweets and carbohydrates
  • Weight gain

To follow are some simple and effective suggestions for managing symptoms of SAD. If you are feeling that your symptoms cannot be managed, or if you are feeling especially overwhelmed, then seek help from a qualified medical professional.

light-therapy

Light therapy

Some remedies can be simple and effective such as light therapy which is the primary treatment for SAD. This can be achieved by exposure to sunlight and daylight. By spending time outside or near a window can help relieve symptoms. Hubberman, (20220 Suggests: “Get your sleep & daytime energy and mood right: Get sunlight in your eyes as early in your day as possible. Especially on cloudy days. Extra time outside if you wake up late. Sunglasses off if you safely can. Eyeglasses and contacts fine. Lights bright by day, sun-off at night”. If increasing sunlight is not possible, exposure to a special light for a specific amount of time each day may help.

Moreover, set consistent wake and sleep times, which is go to bed at the same time every night, and get up at the same time every morning. Dim the lights and avoid screentime at least an hour before bedtime. Do not have your phone in the same room you sleep in (buy an alarm clock if you must). Consider the bedroom only for sleeping and intimacy. Make your bed every day.

Also, talk to your Counsellor about how you are feeling. They can help guide you in processing negative emotions and disengaging from unhelpful thoughts. Ask them to support you in establishing a self-care program; behaviours that can reduce depressive symptoms – eating healthy, getting exercise, investing in quality social relationships, and avoiding alcohol and other drugs. The above-mentioned simple methods are empirically known to relieve symptoms of depression, whether seasonal or while maintaining good mental health in general.

good-health

Maintain healthy routines including exercise

References

CAMH, (2022). Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). [Blogpost]. https://camh.ca/en/health-info/mentalillness-and-addiction-index/seasonal-affective-disorder

Hubberman, A. D. [@hubermanlab]. (2022,11,13). Get your sleep & daytime energy and mood right: Get sunlight in your eyes as early in your day as possible [Twitter Post]. https://twitter.com/hubermanlab/status/1591837967009845248

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What causes insomnia and what is sleep therapy?

What are the Causes of Insomnia?

Insomnia is a sleep disorder that affects as many as 35% of adults. It is marked by problems getting to sleep, staying asleep through the night, and sleeping as long as you would like into the morning. It can have serious effects, leading to excessive daytime sleepiness, a higher risk of auto accidents, and widespread health effects from sleep deprivation.

Common causes of insomnia include stress, an irregular sleep schedule, poor sleeping habits, mental health disorders like anxiety and depression, physical illnesses and pain, medications, neurological problems, and specific sleep disorders. For many people, a combination of these factors can initiate and exacerbate insomnia.

Woman-Sleeping-At-Work

Woman Sleeping At Work

Is All Insomnia the Same?

Not all insomnia is the same; people can experience the condition in distinct ways. Short-term insomnia happens only over a brief period while chronic insomnia lasts for three months or more. For some people, the primary problem is falling asleep (sleep onset) while others struggle with staying asleep (sleep maintenance).

How a person is affected by insomnia can vary significantly based on its cause, severity, and how it is influenced by underlying health conditions.

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What Are Common Causes of Insomnia?

There are numerous potential causes of insomnia, and in many cases, multiple factors can be involved. Poor sleep can also trigger or worsen other health conditions, creating a complex chain of cause-and-effect for insomnia.

On a holistic level, insomnia is believed to be caused by a state of hyperarousal that disrupts falling asleep or staying asleep. Hyperarousal can be both mental and physical, and it can be triggered by a range of circumstances and health issues.

Insomnia and Stress

Stress can provoke a profound reaction in the body that poses a challenge to quality sleep. This stress response can come from work, school, and social relationships. Exposure to traumatic situations can create chronic stress, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The body’s physical response to stress contributes to hyperarousal, and mental stress can have the same effect. The inability to sleep may itself become a source of stress, making it increasingly harder to break the cycle of stress and insomnia.

Researchers believe that some individuals are more vulnerable to stress-induced sleeping problems. These people are considered to have high “sleep reactivity,” which is tied to other issues affecting their sleep and their physical and mental health.

Insomnia and Irregular Sleep Schedules

In an ideal world, the body’s internal clock, known as its circadian rhythm, closely follows the daily pattern of day and night. In reality, many people have sleep schedules that cause misalignment of their circadian rhythm.

Two well-known examples are jet lag and shift work. Jet lag disturbs sleep because a person’s body can’t adjust to a rapid change in time zone. Shift work requires a person to work through the night and sleep during the day. Both can give rise to a disrupted circadian rhythm and insomnia.

In some people, circadian rhythms can be shifted forward or backward without a clear cause, resulting in persistent difficulties in sleep timing and overall sleep quality.

drinking-coffee-for-work

Coffee can interfere with sleep

Insomnia and Lifestyle

Unhealthy habits and routines related to lifestyle and food and drink can increase a person’s risk of insomnia.

Various lifestyle choices can bring about sleeping problems:

  • Keeping the brain stimulated until late in the evening, such as by working late, playing video games, or using other electronic devices.
  • Napping late in the afternoon can throw off your sleep timing and make it hard to fall asleep at night.
  • Sleeping in later to make up for lost sleep can confuse your body’s internal clock and make it difficult to establish a healthy sleep schedule.
  • Using your bed for activities besides sleep can create mental associations between your bed and wakefulness.

Though often overlooked, choices about your diet can play a role in sleeping problems like insomnia.

Caffeine is a stimulant that can stay in your system for hours, making it harder to get to sleep and potentially contributing to insomnia when used in the afternoon and evening. Nicotine is another stimulant that can negatively affect sleep.

Alcohol, which is a sedative that can make you feel sleepy, can actually worsen your sleep by disturbing your sleep cycle and causing fragmented, non-restorative sleep.

Eating heavy meals and spicy foods can be hard on your digestive process and have the potential to generate sleeping problems when consumed later in the evening.

Insomnia and Mental Health Disorders

Mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder frequently give rise to serious sleeping problems. It is estimated that 40% of people with insomnia have a mental health disorder.

These conditions can incite pervasive negative thoughts and mental hyperarousal that disturbs sleep. In addition, studies indicate that insomnia can exacerbate mood and anxiety disorders, making symptoms worse and even increasing the risk of suicide in people with depression.

Insomnia, Physical Illness, and Pain

Almost any condition that causes pain can disrupt sleep by making it harder to lie comfortably in bed. Dwelling on pain when sleepless in bed may amplify it, increasing stress and sleeping problems. If you do suffer from pain while laying in bed, it’s important to pick the best mattress for your needs, as beds with good pressure relief can ease troublesome pain points.

Health complications related to Type II diabetes can be part of an underlying cause of insomnia. Pain from peripheral neuropathy, more frequent need for hydration and urination, and rapid blood sugar changes can interrupt sleep. There is also a correlation between diabetes and other health conditions that are known to interfere with sleep including obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) and depression.

Other types of physical illness, including those affecting the respiratory or nervous system, may pose challenges to sleep that can culminate in short-term or chronic insomnia.

Insomnia and Medications

Sleeping problems and insomnia can be side effects of many types of medications. Examples include blood pressure drugs, anti-asthma medications, and antidepressants. Other drugs may cause daytime drowsiness that can throw off a person’s sleep schedule.

It’s not just taking medications that can interrupt sleep. When someone stops taking a drug, withdrawal or other aspects of the body’s reaction can create difficulties for sleep.

Insomnia and Neurological Problems

Problems affecting the brain, including neurodegenerative and neurodevelopmental disorders, have been found to be associated with an elevated risk of insomnia.

Neurodegenerative disorders, such as dementia and Alzheimers dementia, can throw off a person’s circadian rhythm and perception of daily cues that drive the sleep-wake cycle. Nighttime confusion can further worsen sleep quality.

Neurodevelopmental disorders like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can cause hyperarousal that makes it hard for people to get the sleep they need. Sleeping problems are common for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and may persist into adulthood.

Insomnia and Specific Sleep Disorders

Specific sleep disorders can be a cause of insomnia. Obstructive sleep apnea, which causes numerous breathing lapses and temporary sleep interruptions, affects up to 20% of people and can be an underlying factor causing insomnia and daytime sleepiness.

Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) detracts from sleep by causing a powerful urge to move the legs. Abnormal behaviors during sleep, known as parasomnias, can interfere with sleep. Some well-known examples of parasomnias include sleepwalking, nightmares, and sleep paralysis.

What Are Causes of Insomnia in the Elderly?

Insomnia occurs in 30-48% of older adults, who often have particular struggles with sleep maintenance.

As in people of a younger age, stress, physical ailments, mental health problems, and poor sleep habits can cause insomnia in the elderly. However, elderly people are often more sensitive to these causes because of higher levels of chronic health conditions, social isolation, and an increased use of multiple prescription drugs that may affect sleep.

Research indicates that people over age 60 have less sleep efficiency. They spend less time in deep sleep and REM sleep, which makes it easier for their sleep to be disturbed. A decrease in daylight exposure and reduced environmental cues for sleep and wakefulness can affect circadian rhythm, especially for elderly people in managed care settings.

What Are the Causes of Insomnia in Teens?

Insomnia has been estimated to affect up to 23.8% of teens. Biological changes push teens toward a later, “night owl” sleep schedule, but they usually can’t sleep as long as they would like in the morning because of school start times.

Teens may be especially susceptible to over scheduling and stress from school, work, and social obligations. Teens also have high rates of using electronic devices in their bedroom. Each of these factors contributes to a high rate of insomnia during adolescence.

What Are the Causes of Insomnia During Pregnancy?

Multiple factors can cause insomnia during pregnancy:

  • Discomfort: Increased weight and changed body composition can affect positioning and comfort in bed.
  • Disrupted Breathing: Growth of the uterus places pressure on the lungs, creating potential for breathing problems during sleep. Hormonal changes can increase snoring and the risk of central sleep apnea, which involves brief lapses in breath.
  • Reflux: Slower digestion can prompt disruptive gastroesophageal reflux in the evening.
  • Nocturia: Greater urinary frequency can create the need to get out of bed to go to the bathroom.
  • Restless Leg Syndrome: The exact cause is unknown, but pregnant women have a greater risk of RLS even if they have never had symptoms before becoming pregnant.

Studies have found that more than half of pregnant women report sleeping problems consistent with insomnia. In the first trimester, pregnant women frequently sleep more total hours, but the quality of their sleep decreases. After the first trimester, total sleep time decreases, with the most significant sleeping problems occurring during the third trimester.

Types of Sleep Therapy

The most commonly utilized and studied type of sleep therapy for insomnia is cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBTi). CBTi is the gold standard of evidence-based treatment for sleep problems

Techniques

A therapist who specializes in CBTi may use different techniques to help improve your sleep. Because sleep can be impacted by many mental health concerns, your therapist may conduct a detailed assessment to determine why your sleep is being affected and draw upon multiple techniques for treatment.

Sleep Hygiene

Improving your sleep hygiene involves building healthy sleep-related habits and routines. This means changing basic lifestyle tendencies that influence sleep, such as limiting alcohol, caffeine, and smoking, and increasing exercise. It also focuses on creating a consistent sleep-wake schedule.

Sleep Environment Optimization

Your therapist may recommend altering aspects of your sleep environment so that it is comfortable and conducive to unbroken sleep. For instance, keeping your room quiet, dark, and cool, and hiding any clocks may help.

Man-Sleeping-At-Work

Too much screen time can interfere with sleep

Stimulus Control

Stimulus control involves removing cues that condition your mind to resist sleep.

For example, you may often lie in your bed and watch entertaining shows, which can cause you to associate your bed with excitement. Stimulus control encourages you to commit to a consistent bedtime and use the bed only for sleep. Your therapist may instruct you to leave the bedroom if you are unable to sleep within 20 minutes, and return only when you feel drowsy.

Paradoxical Intention

CBTi utilizes a technique called paradoxical intention, which requires you to commit to staying awake. This works because you’re not worrying about not being able to sleep. Letting go of your resistance and anxiety can often make it easier to sleep.

By Eric Suni & Medically Reviewed by
Alex Dimitriu, Psychiatrist
Photo:Unsplash

Breathing for Calm

Our breath is a something we always have with us (hopefully), and it can be accessed and utilized in diverse ways to achieve different mental and physiological states.

There is a myriad of different breathing techniques available out there to try. Box-breathing, Alternate-Nostril breathing, Sama Vritti and even the “Tummo” method recently popularized by “The Iceman” Wim Hof to increase alertness by making more adrenaline available in the body.

-Counsellor-New-Westminster-BC-wim-hof

Breathing techniques popularized by “The Iceman” Wim Hof.

However, in this post, I would like to asquint you with a simple, empirically proven method to induce a state of calm. First, let us cover what efficient breathing is like.

Counsellor New Westminster, BC

Do you want to enhance personal and spiritual growth, increase personal effectiveness, improve interpersonal relations, strengthen coping styles and adjust to life transitions? The change begins here.

Keith Norris, RTC, MTC is a Counsellor in New Westminster, BC specializing in Therapy for Depression and Anxiety and Couples Counselling. He maintains a Client Centered method to his therapy but will combine other systems to custom fit each Client’s needs.

Diaphragmic breathing

Breathe with your belly, also known as “Diaphragmatic” breathing. Proper breathing starts in the nose and then moves to extend your belly allowing the diaphragm to contract. In turn your lungs expand allowing them to fill with air; then as your diaphragm relaxes, air gets pushed out and your belly retracts.

Diaphragmic breathing is different than chest breathing where we tend to use our chest and throat muscles to bring in air. You can tell if you are chest breathing; your shoulders will rise and fall with each breath and your belly will not move much. With belly breathing your tummy will extend and contract while your shoulders stay still, a more efficient way of moving air.

Now for the interesting part. To induce a state of calm, exhale for longer than you inhale; breathe in for a count of three and subsequently breathe out slowly with intention for a count of five. I recommend repeating this cycle ten times in a session. Even after two or three breath cycles you cannot help but feel calmer.

and breathe

and breathe…

What makes this kind of breathing so calming?

When your exhale is even a few counts longer than your inhale, the vagus nerve, a prominent neuropathway connecting the diaphragm to the brain, sends out a signal to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system is responsible for preparing the body for rest.

Try for several sessions a day especially when first waking and when preparing for sleep. This technique can be done anywhere-anytime, in traffic to reduce frustration, when our minds become busy with unhelpful ruminations, and even covertly while attending stressful meetings.

Enjoy!

By: Keith Norris, RTC, MTC

Photos: Unsplash

Parenting Advice From D. H. Lawrence, Don’t Smother Your Children With Love.

Children Are More Sagacious Than You Think

As parents, we are assailed by injunctions to protect our children, to engage with them creatively, athletically and intellectually, to feed them nutritious food and make them floss their teeth. Even when not being given direct advice, we listen out, comparing ourselves with others, wondering what we’re getting right or wrong. Usually, I mind the interference, but during the first COVID-19 lockdown I minded it even more when the voices of teachers and other parents stopped. I found that I didn’t want to be left to look after my children without the input of others, so I listened even harder to guides and authorities online, and on the airwaves, all of whom seemed to be doubling down on their sense that they alone had the right vision of childcare ready to dispense. And so, a few weeks into ‘home schooling’ – a wildly optimistic description of the 10-minute chunks of learning I could persuade my son to do without formal, primary school education structures to aid us – I found myself turning to the search engine instead.

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Looking for companionship more than advice, I typed ‘How to make my child…’ I ignored the more extravagant options eagerly thrown my way – ‘How to make my child a genius’, ‘How to make my child successful in life’ – in favor of a simple request: ‘How to make my child do homework’. I was skeptical about internet advice – surely, we all are – but glad to feel that others had confronted this recalcitrance too. Here were the voices I had missed, just waiting for me to dismiss them and continue to fail in my own way: ‘In this article, I will share the secret on motivating your child to not only do homework but also love homework.’ The secret, according to that particular website, is to ‘intervene early, like in kindergarten or even before kindergarten.’ Don’t stand back and let them get on with it. Do the homework with the child! ­­­­– ‘parental involvement is associated with better school performance.’

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This wasn’t going to sustain me for long. But as one day followed another, bringing a soundscape of the Oxfordshire countryside – birdsong, lawnmowers, occasional bursts of shouting from within our house – I was still listening intently for the absent voices. And then one came crashing in, insouciant, peppy, completely different in tone from the other childcare advisors I had read, yet determined to give me childcare advice. I was researching a book about D H Lawrence, and it had turned out that, as well as seeing himself as a religious prophet and a priest of sex, he saw himself as a guide to child-rearing.

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‘Oh, parents,’ Lawrence exhorts us in his short, consciously provocative polemic Fantasia of the Unconscious (1922), ‘see that your children get their dinners and clean sheets, but don’t love them. Don’t love them one single grain, and don’t let anybody else love them. Give them their dinners and leave them alone. You’ve already loved them to perdition. Now leave them alone, to find their own way out.’

The book I was writing put Lawrence in urgent dialogue with my own life and times, though I wasn’t using him as a guru, and I was certainly not here for self-help. Lawrence is too turbulent, too meteoric for that. Instead, Lawrence was both stimulus and provocation. There was an emancipatory quality in reading him, because he never thought about what was expected of him, but examined his own thoughts by a bright, exacting light and took seriously what it might mean to think the opposite. Through all this was his deep immersion in the lives of others: his novelistic ability to observe everyone, from children to animals, closely and vividly, and to see the world as they might.

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Lawrence’s philosophy of parenthood was based on just-about-benign neglect. He thought we’d become too self-conscious, and that we inflicted self-consciousness on our children by loving them too much. In the essay ‘Education of the People’, written in 1918 and published posthumously, he advised that ‘babies should invariably be taken away from their modern mothers and given … to rather stupid fat women who can’t be bothered with them.’

He’s not saying we shouldn’t actually love our children, more that we shouldn’t inflict our love on them.

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It’s tempting to dismiss Lawrence’s ideas about child-rearing, just as we dismiss his ideas about democracy (he hated it) and race (in his 1925 essay ‘Reflections on the Death of a Porcupine’, he signed up to an idea of racial hierarchy). I don’t think there can be any contemporary readers who admire everything that Lawrence wrote, and I find that it’s often necessary to separate the complex wisdom of the novels from the more glibly single-minded pushiness of the essays. So often, Lawrence used his essays to drive thoughts to their comic extreme, but I think there was value in this. He was a writer who allowed himself to play with ideas, to hold two thoughts in his head at once, to permit every intellectual position to coexist with its opposite. I’ve found this helpful in our own divided age, where it feels increasingly less possible to admit to ambivalence and contradiction. When it comes to parental love, I think there’s enough truth in the thought that we need to avoid smothering our children with love that it feels worthwhile for him to overstate it. It feels true to me, at least, that parents who demand an emotional response all the time, turning every argument into an emotional struggle, deprive their children of privacy, and the blank curiosity about the world they need if they’re going to feel their way into it as independent beings.

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Lawrence’s advice about excessive love makes sense to me. He’s not saying we shouldn’t actually love our children, more that we shouldn’t inflict our love on them. He’s especially clear about this when it comes to telling off our children or imposing our demands. Before the lockdown, I had been trying out something akin to the psychologist Oliver James’s concept of ‘love bombing’, responding to my children’s protests or anger with love. If my son shouted at me, I would simply love him back. I kept my demands to a minimum but pleaded that he fulfil them, presenting it as a personal favor to me. I wasn’t alone in doing this. At my toddler daughter’s swimming lessons, I was surrounded by mothers pleading and cajoling their children to take their clothes on or off, to get in the water or out of it, to eat their snacks or relinquish the café’s toys.

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Reading Lawrence, a whole other way of being presented itself. For Lawrence, all this coaxing and loving is a form of bullying. ‘Why try coaxing and logic and tricks with children?’ he asked. ‘Children are more sagacious than we are,’ and they catch the falsity of our wheedling. ‘The only thing is to be direct. If a child has to swallow castor-oil, then say: “Child, you’ve got to swallow this castor-oil. It is necessary for your inside. I say so because it is true. So open your mouth.”’ When we are angry, he urges us to spank our children cheerfully. ‘Not brutally, not cruelly, but with real sound, good-natured exasperation. And let the adult take the full responsibility, half humorously, without apology or explanation. Let us avoid self-justification at all costs.’ We may not be prepared to spank our children. But, as one week of home schooling followed another, I found that I needed to say ‘No’ sharply; to say that schoolwork must be done because it was necessary and I said so and it was true.

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Raised voices have always frightened me, and it was partly out of fear of frightening my children that I avoided raising my own. But, reading Lawrence, I started to feel there was something fake about speaking gently when I was angry, and that he was probably right that children are sagacious enough to recognise this. I began to match anger with anger, and discovered that the moments of conflict became briefer, and that we could move on and get on with our days, because the conflict did not become curdled with love. I began to enjoy my time with my children more easily and to feel more fully myself when I was with them.

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Lawrence is an unlikely guide to child-rearing, partly because he had no children himself and partly because he was so resistant to having children in his life. When he eloped with Frieda Weekley in 1912, she was mother to three small children. Her parents tried to persuade her to leave her husband quietly, with no mention of Lawrence, so she could get custody of the children. Lawrence wouldn’t comply. This was love, and he wanted to shout about it, convinced he’d found in his new experience of love a cure for most of the world’s maladies. He wrote to Ernest Weekley, Frieda’s husband, telling him about their love affair.

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Arguably, Lawrence didn’t want Frieda to get custody of her children because he was jealous of her mother love: ‘I have cursed motherhood because of you, / Accursed, base motherhood!’ he wrote in a poem called ‘She Looks Back’ during their first year together. The same poem suggests that motherhood itself is a false feeling, a false fortification. Lawrence’s own mother had loved him excessively, and he now began to scourge all mothers. At this point, he was revising Sons and Lovers, and he wrote to his editor claiming the book was about the ‘tragedy of thousands of young men in England’ who were selected by their mothers as lovers and couldn’t love as a result. He convinced himself that, if Frieda were to leave him and return to Weekley, she’d become the kind of frustrated mother who lived through her children, turning them into mini-suitors, forcing an idea of love on them that suffocated their capacity for unconscious life.

I felt angry with Lawrence on Frieda’s behalf. His denial of her motherhood was all the more frustrating because he was so wise on children in his novels: their little bodies, their intensity of affection. It must have been painful for Frieda, reading The Rainbow (1915), with Lawrence’s tender portrayals of childhood, not least the moving scene in which Tom takes his stepdaughter Anna out to feed the cows while her mother gives birth. She is crying at first, but then he calms her, holding her close, until ‘the eyelids began to sink over her dark, watchful eyes’.

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Moments of violent tenderness can be followed only by leaving children to become themselves in quiet darkness.

The major literary contemporaries in Lawrence’s time weren’t as a whole writing about childhood, and certainly weren’t writing childcare manuals. However, Lawrence’s style seemed to be calling out for children to describe. They are ordinary, they are like us, but they are also wholly distinct, and given to intensities of mood far beyond our own. For a writer who wanted to describe people in constant motion, children are ideal because they are always changing, always ready to assert a new will. I believe that it was Frieda who showed Lawrence that children could be one of his great subjects, and helped make available for him his unidealized, rich perspectives on them. This is tangled territory. Lawrence’s writing about children was in dialogue with Frieda’s longing for her own children, but he seems to have needed to keep them at bay in order to be more objective and unsentimental about the children he invented. Lawrence is hardly anyone’s ideal of a stepfather, yet he came out of this as a brilliant writer about children. And Frieda’s intensity is there, too, in the parents that Lawrence portrays.

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Lawrence is compelled by the intensity of feeling – the mutual engrossment – between parents and children, and, as with the engrossment between lovers, it maps on to the intense intimacy of his address to us as readers. He is reaching out to us, lifting his arms up and down towards us, as Anna’s daughter Ursula does, running down the hill to her father, ‘a tiny, tottering, windblown little mite with a dark head’, running ‘in tiny, wild, windmill fashion’ until he catches her. These scenes in The Rainbow are scenes of parent-child love that don’t go against Lawrence’s insistence to let our children be. They are moments of violent tenderness that can be followed only by neglect – by leaving children to become themselves in quiet darkness.

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Over the first lockdown, I was grateful for Lawrence’s suggestion that we should leave our children alone.

I had never found it difficult to do so. I have too much need for mental space not to seek this when I can. But I often experienced guilt in sitting reading while my children played, rather than joining in with their games; or in refusing demands to join their games because I needed to get through domestic tasks. At best, I could persuade my daughter to help with the laundry so that it became a shared task; I bought plastic knives so she could help cut up vegetables. But we are not always at our best, and I was grateful to Lawrence for telling me that it might be just as good to leave her to get on with her own life while I got on with mine, alongside her, as Anna and Will do with their children. And there was a new pleasure in separating ourselves now, when we were so much together. When I said ‘No’ when they asked me to play with them, when I heard my son upstairs conducting his own games with his Lego figures, or watched my daughter doing her puzzles next to me on the sofa while I read, I heard Lawrence telling me to leave my children in darkness, to avoid tangling them up in the ‘intimate mesh of love, love-bullying, and “understanding”’.

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Part of what is appealing about Lawrence as a writer is that, however polemical he is being, I don’t feel he is bullying me. There’s a curious take-it-or-leave-it aspect to his hectoring, unlike many of the voices of the internet. He’s laughing at himself when he calls his chapter on child-rearing ‘Litany of Exhortations’. He’s not cajoling us or wheedling or trying to persuade us that he’s sympathetic. Instead, he offers us comically excessive polemics and leaves us to it. It’s this aspect of his writing that makes his parenting theories convincing to me – or more helpful than theories I’m more easily convinced by. As a reader I can appreciate the appeal of being left to my own devices, and can see that my children might like being left to theirs as well. I cannot remember how much schoolwork got done in the end during those weeks when I stopped cajoling, but I’m sure it was as much as had been done beforehand.

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Since that year of lockdown, I’ve found other writers I can turn to when I need to hear that I should leave my children alone.

Lawrence wasn’t the only man of his generation to tell women to stop smothering their children with love. Others had the future of the British Empire in mind, worrying that mothers were weakening their children. In his influential manual Psychological Care of Infant and Child (1928), John B Watson described spoiling as an infectious disease that could maim a child for life. By this point, Frederic Truby King’s manual Feeding and Care of Baby (1913), advocating mothers to avoid cuddles and to feed only on regimented schedules, had gone into many editions. Lawrence’s ideas came out of the same moment but it’s only Lawrence who insists on freedom, going back to something more like Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s theory that children should be left to grow up in accordance with the dictates of nature, so they might be free to become themselves.

Not long after Lawrence, there was the paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, with his liberating theory of the good-enough mother. According to Winnicott’s posthumously published book, Babies and Their Mothers (1987):

There is room for all kinds of mothers in the world, and some will be good at one thing and some good at another. Or shall I say some will be bad at one thing and some bad at another?

In our own day, a growing body of child psychologists are urging us not to helicopter parent, arguing that parental anxiety leads us to raise anxious children. According to a study conducted by the Yale psychologist Eli Lebowitz and colleagues in 2019, retraining parents not to overprotect their children has as much effect on childhood anxiety as does giving the children themselves CBT. Lebowitz trains parents to leave their children alone, Lawrence-style. He urges us not to accommodate our children’s desires for us to be with them at every moment, to sleep in their beds, to protect them from the sources of their phobias. Instead, he encourages us to live more lightly alongside our children, turning them into independent beings sharing our homes.

They don’t respond to sentimentality either, emerging as all the more robust and fully themselves in consequence.

For the developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik, in her book The Gardener and the Carpenter (2016), contemporary parents see ourselves too much as carpenters, hammering our children into preconceived forms, and not enough as gardeners, creating the conditions for growth and then waiting to see what emerges. Gopnik dislikes the word ‘parenting’ as a verb – it makes us sound too actively engaged in turning our children into better or successful adults:

[I]f being a parent is a kind of work aimed at creating a successful adult, it’s a pretty lousy job – long hours, nonexistent pay and benefits, and lots of heavy lifting. And for 20 years you have no idea if you’ve done it well, a fact that in and of itself would make the job nerve-racking and guilt-inducing.

This is who we are when we Google how to turn our children into geniuses or how to make them do their homework. If you see yourself instead as a gardener, you can appreciate ‘that our greatest horticultural triumphs and joys also come when the garden escapes our control’.

One of Lawrence’s most enticing portrayals of the parent as a benignly neglectful gardener comes in his wonderfully amiable poem ‘Tortoise Family Connections’ – part of the series of tortoise poems written in Italy in 1920 that ends with the ecstatic agony of ‘Tortoise Shout’. He was spending time in a villa owned by his friend Rosalind Baynes, with whom he had the only affair of his long marriage. Rosalind later described him playing with her young daughter Nan, and understanding her, ‘as he did with children – with delicate, amused perception’. There were tortoises on the grounds of the villa, that he watched mating and doing their tortoise version of family life. Out of Rosalind’s girls, and the tortoises, and his new happiness, came a lighter account of his ideal relationship between parents and children:

On he goes, the little one,
Bud of the universe,
Pediment of life.
Setting off somewhere, apparently.
Whither away, brisk egg?

His mother deposited him on the soil as if he were no more than droppings,
And now he scuffles tinily past her as if she were an old rusty tin.

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Here is the baby tortoise going off into the world, purposeful, ready to leave his parents behind. The poet watches the tortoise and his parents wandering around the garden, each apparently unaware of each other. It’s no use his telling him, Lawrence goes on: ‘This is your Mother, she laid you when you were an egg.’ The tortoise just looks the other way, and his mother does the same. Tortoises don’t look for companions because they don’t know they are alone. ‘Isolation is his birthright, / This atom,’ he goes on to say. They don’t respond to sentimentality either, emerging as all the more robust and fully themselves in consequence. In a garden tended by a good-enough gardener, the baby tortoise fully inhabits his tortoise-hood becoming as self-sufficient, as lordly, as Adam. He hasn’t been weighed down by ideas or ideals, hasn’t been claimed by the clammy bonds of parenthood. Here he is, ‘wandering in the slow triumph of his own existence’, sure of his own right to bite the frail grass.

I hope that I can bring something of that tortoise’s insouciance into my own life now – and that there can be more moments when I radically distance my inner self from the inner selves of my children.

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My years with Lawrence have changed me, though not in any straightforward improving sense.

I believe that literature can be a force of moral change and insight, but Lawrence more than anyone (sometimes deliberately, and partly through his own errors and blindspots) shows us how difficult and fraught that process can be. Reading, for him, was a disruptive force: a way to open ourselves up to being unmade and remade by the world. Listening to Lawrence’s tirades, watching his fictional characters spun ecstatically and despairingly between moods and states, I have felt myself slipping away from the moorings of safe opinions, glad to leave behind the calm waters of Mumsnet homilies and launch myself into a crashing sea in which nothing can be taken for granted.

Reading may not be an easy source of self-improvement or self-care, but I will continue to open myself to being changed by pungently formidable voices from the past and to chart the process of that change.

By Lara Feigelis, professor of modern literature and culture at King’s College London.
Edited by Marina Benjamin
Photos: Pexels

What are the ways to reduce the impact of childhood trauma and how do we forgive?

Children who experience trauma tend to have health problems later in life.

Woman in Chair reaching in light

Trauma stays with us.

Dr. Nadine Burke Harris explains why—and how we can help heal those wounds.

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When Dr. Nadine Burke Harris set up the Bayview Child Health Center in 2007, she immediately noticed an association between traumatic experiences and health outcomes in the children she treated.

“Day after day I saw infants who were listless and had strange rashes,” she writes in her new book, The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma. “Kids just entering middle school had depression. And in unique cases…kids weren’t even growing.”

Often, she discovered, these children had suffered “heart-wrenching trauma,” such sexual abuse, violence, or parental mental illness and incarceration. These are what researchers call “adverse childhood experiences”—or ACEs, for short. To understand what she was seeing in her clinic, Dr. Harris searched the scientific literature for evidence about the connection between experience and health—and discovered that the impact of an ACE went well beyond childhood, leading to more physical and mental illness in adulthood.

Elaine A. Thomas, Psy.D.
As a therapist, I facilitate self-understanding and discovery which creates new coping strategies for anxiety, depression, stress, and trauma. I provide treatment for anxiety, child developmental trauma, PTSD therapy, couples therapy, and family conflict marriage counseling Atlanta Georgia. Please see my new book ‘Mindfulness Workbook for Perfectionism, Effective Strategies to Overcome Your Inner Critic and Find Balance’.

We spoke with Dr. Harris about her new book and what we can do to mitigate the impact of adverse childhood experiences.

Toddler reaching

Trauma can start at an early age.

Jeremy Adam Smith: What is the origin of the term “adverse childhood experience”?

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Nadine Burke Harris: That refers to the 10 categories identified in the landmark 1998 study by Kaiser Permanente and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, which include physical, emotional, and sexual abuse; physical and emotional neglect; growing up in a household where a parent was mentally ill, substance-dependent, incarcerated; where there was parental separation or divorce, or domestic violence.

Many of us are familiar with the idea that exposure to trauma in childhood might affect your risk of being depressed or being an alcoholic, and that it might affect your behavior. However, this was the first large epidemiological study to document the association between adverse childhood experiences and heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, Alzheimer’s. This is the thing that’s so powerful about the adverse childhood experiences study—it really revealed this connection between childhood adversity and health problems.

JAS: How would an experience affect our health? What’s the mechanism?

NBH: In the two decades since the ACE study was published, we now understand much more about how ACEs affect health.

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When the original study was published, many folks assumed that, “Oh, okay, if you have a rough childhood you’re more likely to drink and smoke and do all the things that are going to ruin your health, so this, of course, makes a lot of sense… but it’s not really anything new. We already know that health-damaging behaviors are bad for your health.”

It turns out that that’s not completely right. When they did the logistic regression analysis—removing the effect of health-damaging behavior—it turns out that behavior only accounts for about half of the risk. The good news is that if you don’t do any health-damaging behaviors, that does reduce your risk—but the bad news is that you still have an increased risk.

We know that the fundamental mechanism is this activation of our body’s fight-or-flight response. When we experience something scary or traumatic, it releases stress hormones in our body like adrenaline and cortisol. These things have really important functions in our body. They raise our blood pressure, they raise our heart rate, they raise our blood sugar.

All of these things are really important and necessary if you are facing a mortal threat, like if you are in a forest and there’s a bear. These changes affect how our brains function. They activate the amygdala, which is the brain’s alarm to tell us when something scary is happening. And that turns down the effectiveness of the part of the brain that’s responsible for impulse control and judgment and executive functioning, which is the prefrontal cortex. When we activate our stress response, it also activates our immune system, because if you are in a forest and there’s bear, you want your immune system to be primed to bring inflammation to stabilize the wound This all was designed to protect our lives and protect our health.

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What happens when that bear comes home every night? When this system is activated over and over and over again? Well, it goes from being adaptive and life-saving to being maladaptive and health-damaging. Children are especially sensitive to high doses of adversity because their brains and bodies are just developing. So adverse childhood experiences are associated with changes in the structure and function of children’s developing brains, in their developing hormonal systems, and even in the way their DNA is read and transcribed.

JAS: Why would this affect adult health? You start the book by telling the story of Evan, who wakes up one morning and suffers a stroke. How could a bad childhood experience lead directly to Evan’s stroke?

NBH: The chronic inflammation piece is really important. That leads to the wear and tear on the lining on the inside of our arteries, which is part of the reason for why we see increased risk of cardiovascular disease. Adverse childhood experiences studies show that the more of these experiences you have, the greater the health risk. So, folks who have had four or more categories of adverse childhood experiences show two-and-a-half times the risk of stroke.

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When our stress response becomes over-activated in childhood, it changes the functioning of the stress response. Without intervention, these changes to levels of stress hormones will be lifelong—and those are the things that lead to increased inflammation and the changes to our cardiovascular system. For example, there are changes to hormones and proteins that our cardiovascular system uses to signal the health and to repair the lining of the inside of our arteries.

JAS: Not everybody who has an ACE will ultimately suffer a stroke. What do we know about people who seem more resistant to the impact of ACEs?

NBH: I hear it all the time: “I know someone who experienced a childhood trauma, and they’re fine.” That’s wonderful. We all know the one dude who smoked two packs of cigarettes a day for years who lived to be a hundred, right? People think of these anecdotal, individual stories and they’re like, “Well, that belies the whole premise.”

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That’s why we like science. That’s why it’s really important that they did this study of 17,500 people and that the study has now been repeated globally. We’ve got data from more than 20 countries around the world, and they all show the same thing: The higher your ACE score, the greater your health risk. Now, does that mean that someone could have a high ACE score and not have heart disease or a stroke or something along those lines? Sure. Does that mean that childhood trauma doesn’t put your health at risk? No.

Some people who smoke will get emphysema and other people will get cancer. Two different people will get two different types of cancer. But we know smoking dramatically increases your risk for all of these different health problems. That gives us really important information about how we can prevent those health problems by reducing the prevalence of smoking.

five children sitting on a bench

What is being done to examine the impact of childhood trauma?

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JAS: What can physicians and health organizations do to address the impact of ACEs on both kids and adults? What needs to change from what’s currently being done?

NBH: This is a place where I think there’s a lot of good news, because there’s a tremendous amount of low-hanging fruit. Right now, there isn’t that much that we actually are doing, frankly. This is especially true for physicians. One of the most important things that we can do is routine screening, to do early detection and early intervention. All of the science tells us that early intervention improves outcomes.

There is a randomized controlled trial, published in 2015, of kids in institutionalized care—who had been removed from their home—and kids who were placed in homes with high-quality caregiving. They had MRIs at age two and then MRIs at age eight. And at age eight, those kids who had been randomized into high-quality nurturing caregiving, their brain’s structure was different than the kids who remained in institutionalized care. High-quality nurturing caregiving—safe, stable, nurturing relationships—can actually change the structure of children’s brains, and that is why early detection is really important.

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At the Center for Youth Wellness, we have set a goal to get every pediatrician in America to screen for adverse childhood experiences. Despite the fact that this research was published now two decades ago, still, today, only four percent of pediatricians are screening. There’s a lot of room for improvement there, so that we can get to a day when every doctor in America is screening for adverse childhood experiences.

JAS: Let’s say you’re an adult and you have an ACE? What should you do?

NBH: There’s a tremendous amount. On this front, I find this science incredibly hopeful.

One of the most important things an adult can do is just recognize what is going on. So, getting your own ACE score—that is the first step in the right direction. Number two involves figuring out whether you have an overactive stress response—and then understanding what situations activate your stress response.

Next, you have to put into place some of the evidence-based interventions that we know make a difference in toxic stress.

This is what I talk about in my book, The Deepest Well. Things like regular exercise, which helps reduce stress hormones, reduce inflammation, and enhance neuroplasticity. Things like having good sleep hygiene, which is really important for our immune system. Things like mindfulness meditation. One randomized controlled trial of meditation-as-intervention found that patients with chronic heart disease had better performance on an exercise treadmill test after the intervention. All of these kinds of interventions go a long way toward counteracting the biology of toxic stress.

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia.

“I don’t think forgetting about trauma or blaming it is useful. The first step is taking its measure and looking clearly at the impact and risk as neither a tragedy nor a fairy tale but a meaningful reality in between. Once you understand how your body and brain are primed to react in certain situations, you can start to be proactive about how you approach things. You can identify triggers and know how to support yourself and those you love.”

JAS: What are the solutions for us as a society?

NBH: There’s an incredible amount that we can do. There are multiple levels where we can address the impacts of childhood trauma.

There are many schools across the country that are trying to be trauma-sensitive, understanding how to recognize the symptoms of toxic stress, how to differentiate a child having a fear response from one who is just being willful or difficult. There are a lot of kids right now who are being told that they are bad, who are being suspended or expelled, when really the underlying problem is a biological one, with the over-reactivity of their stress response.

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If you’re an employer, you can explore workplace policies that support parents’ ability to support their kids, like predictable work hours. Or employers can create a space for workers to practice self-care, to manage their own stress response. For the most part, mental health treatment is not covered in parity with health care. Many folks may have access to health care through their employer, but many, many people still do not have access to mental health care.

Finally, we need to invest in this work. We don’t receive any public funding at the Center for Youth Wellness. We had to invest public funds in addressing public-health threats, like HIV/AIDS or lead poisoning or tobacco. With HIV, it was the Ryan White Act; that required political will. We need folks to come together to demand greater investment in solutions for this public-health problem.

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child covering face

We cannot hide from childhood trauma.

Peacemakers, poets, and researchers agree: Forgiveness heals hurts and is good for the forgiver—even the young one.

It’s been more than four decades, but I still can’t forgive what they did to me that summer afternoon. I was 14, strolling in the mall with my two “friends,” Roger and Carson. I had introduced them to each other the week before and now they were jabbering back and forth, leaving me out except to occasionally tease me.

“Hey Hank,” said Roger. “Go in this store and see what the milkshakes cost.”
“We’ll wait here,” said Carson.

Dutifully, I did what my pals suggested. When I returned, they were gone. I looked up and down the pathways, I yelled their names, I waited for them to return. Finally, it dawned on me…I’d been ditched.

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Forty-two years later, Carson died of injuries caused by a motorcycle crash, the bad blood between us unresolved. Roger? I have 4,922 Facebook friends, but he’s not one of them. I delete his every request.

Revenge isn’t so sweet

Vengeance is a powerful emotion; the desire to hurt those who wrong us is a universal trait of human nature, claims Michael E. McCullough, author of Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Forgiveness Instinct. But it exacts a toll.

“An eye for an eye only makes the world blind” is an aphorism frequently attributed to Gandhi about what happens when nations battle over long-held grudges. As for holding on to individual hurts, research associates not forgiving with depression, anxiety, and hostility. Multiple studies find a higher rate of compromised immune systems and heart problems in adults who hold grudges. Conversely, children and adults who are able to let go of angry feelings when they’ve been wronged experience greater psychological well-being.

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Sweet desserts missing a bite

It is not as sweet as it sounds.

“Bitterness is like cancer,” the poet Maya Angelou told Dave Chappelle in an interview. “It eats upon the host. It doesn’t do anything to the object of its displeasure.”

No hard feelings
Forgiveness has roots as both a spiritual and a secular teaching in Western culture. In the last 40 years, it has become a subject of academic study as researchers have investigated the impact of forgiving—and not forgiving—on the relationships, health, and happiness of those who have suffered a range of traumatic experiences. But despite the evidence that forgiving is good for you, forgiveness has an image problem, which stems, say researchers, from a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and isn’t.

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According to the American Psychological Association, forgiveness is a voluntary, deliberate change in feeling toward someone who has caused you hurt or harm; it involves letting go of negative emotions toward the offender and results in a decreased desire for retaliation or revenge.

It’s not saying that the offense was okay. Forgiveness is often thought to be a weak response that condones, minimizes, or excuses wrongdoing. These are all misconceptions, says Loren Toussaint, professor of psychology at Luther College and co-editor of Forgiveness and Health: Scientific Evidence and Theories Relating Forgiveness to Better Health.

Forgiveness doesn’t require that the other person apologize. And it doesn’t have to (and sometimes shouldn’t) result in reconciliation. Forgiveness simply means you’re letting go of feelings of resentment and vengeance. You’re refocusing your thoughts on positive emotions; perhaps even feelings of understanding, empathy, and compassion toward the person who hurt you.

“Forgiveness is not making up with a wrongdoer if they are likely to hurt you again,” explains Toussaint. “Forgiveness is about feeling better as a person.”

If your child is hurt by a sibling or a bully, it is critical that the hurt party is protected and the perpetrator is disciplined appropriately. But, assuming the offense is dealt with justly, when a child feels lingering anger and hurt, forgiving is what will help them recover—from that hurt, and maybe others as well.

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A study of six to nine year olds in Belfast conducted by Robert Enright, professor of educational psychology at University of Wisconsin–Madison, found that students who learned to forgive reduced their anger in general toward everyone, not just toward the person who harmed them.

Why forgiveness works for kids
When kids are wronged and don’t forgive, they remain “stuck” in the traumatic situation when they felt victimized. Every time they recall the hurtful event, they re-experience their stress response. If they dwell on their resentment, they continue to release stress chemicals, such as adrenaline, cortisol, and norepinephrine into their brains. This activates the amygdala and other primitive brain regions involved in survival emotions such as fear and rage. The result is an inhibition of the brain’s problem-solving ability, creativity, reasoning, and impulse control.

What happens in the brain when a person forgives is a very different picture. In University of Sheffield research using fMRI scanning, forgiveness exercises helped activate brain regions that feel empathy and make moral judgments. A University of Pisa study found that participants who contemplated forgiveness exhibited activation in five brain regions, indicating an increase in positive emotions, cognitive morality, understanding of the mental states of others, perception, and cognitive control of emotions. Although the research participants were young adults, studies indicate kids’ brains are wired similarly for moral reasoning and empathy.

Children who learn how to forgive also gain an edge academically, and the reason may be as simple as having more energy available to focus on constructive pursuits. Their brains aren’t fuming, recounting the hurt, and plotting revenge; instead, they’ve got a clean slate where they can organize information and think creatively.

A study conducted by Enright found that counseling sessions dedicated to teaching forgiveness had significant academic benefits for at-risk teenagers. Twelve middle school students who had each experienced life-altering hurts were tested before and after a 15-week program in Forgiveness Counseling, with astounding results. The kids showed measured improvement in written English, math, and social studies; in their attitude toward school and their teachers; and in their relationships with their parents and other kids.

“Research supports the connection between forgiveness and improved academic functions,” Toussaint says. “The negative emotions of unforgiveness can be powerful detractors from children’s attention and focus in the classroom and in their individual studies.”

The Ridiculously Awesome Practice of Surrendering

Every day in this world is a shaky, uncertain, constantly changing landscape — and that causes us to try to get control.

Chaos

Chaos

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We create lists, systems, routines, schedules, comfort foods, comfortable environments we build our whole lives and identities around these comforts and control. We try to control the uncontrollable ever-shifting landscape of our lives.

And it doesn’t work. You can’t get a firm grasp on the fluidity of life. And so we get stressed, procrastinate, feel hurt, get depressed or anxious, get angry or frustrated, lash out or complain.

Into this craziness I’d like to suggest the ridiculously awesome practice of surrendering.

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What does this mean? It’s the idea of letting go of some of our systems and instincts to get control, trying to make the world exactly as we like it, trying to avoid all the things we dislike and instead, relaxing, accepting, even surrendering to the uncertainty and fluidity of this world.

Surrendering means we relax into the shifting landscape. We let go of trying to control everything, and smile with friendliness at the world as it is, beautiful and amazing.

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Surrender vs. Control Strategies

Surrender sounds lame to many people, or perhaps scary. It’s the opposite of what we are constantly trying to do — we are always seeking control, because we don’t like uncertainty. At all.

We want to control our day, so we have routines, schedules, systems. We create systems for our work, try to get control over our health through new diets or exercise programs, try to control our relationships, our future, our finances.

And there’s nothing wrong with any of this except that it’s a bit futile to try to control the uncontrollable. It’s like trying to build a building out of water — you keep trying and keep trying, but it’s just not a solid building material.

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So control is a strategy that isn’t actually effective, even if it’s completely understandable. What effects does it have?

Constantly trying to get control results in:

  • Stress and anxiety about not having control
  • Being driven by fears
  • Not being happy with how things are (because they’re not in control)
  • Getting some degree of control over things, but still not feeling in control — so you keep seeking it, resulting in constant striving, anxiety
  • Lashing out at others when they interfere with your controlled world
  • Spending time, money, energy, and other valuable resources constantly trying to get control
  • Feeling lost, depressed, unhappy with yourself and the world when you can’t get control (which is inevitable)

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Now, I’m not saying we should never try to get control. There are helpful ways of getting control, but often it’s more helpful to shift the focus from control to love — taking care of yourself can be a loving act rather than an attempt to gain control over your health, for example.

What would it be like, instead of trying to get control, to surrender instead? It might look like being fully present in this moment, experiencing the sensations of the moment, being curious about it. It might look like acceptance of how things are. In fact, there are lots of ways surrender might look let’s talk about how amazing they might be.

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Why Surrender is Ridiculously Awesome

Taking a moment

Taking a moment

So we pause our striving to control and we relax. We stop trying to change things and just become present.

We tune in to how we’re feeling. We notice the sensations of the moment, both in our bodies and all around us. We become present to whoever is in front of us. When we do a task, we pour ourselves fully into it.

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We open to the uncertainty of the moment. We see what we can learn from it, with an open mind, with curiosity and a stance of not-knowing instead of a fixed viewpoint.

We start to appreciate the moment in front of us, fully. There is something immensely awesome about the moment in front of us, if we stop trying to change it, trying to control it, trying to have it conform to our idea of how things should be. Just as it is, it’s worthy of our appreciation, gratitude, love.

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We can fall in love with the moment, just as it is, if we open to it.

Surrender is all of this and more. It’s openness, full presence, awareness of what’s happening, curiosity and immense appreciation. And it takes so much less energy than control.

How to Practice Surrender

I am not advocating a complete giving up of control of all areas of your life. Obviously this could lead to financial ruin, the ruination of relationships and your work and health and more.

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But before we grasp for control, we can try surrender as a way to practice with whatever is coming up and perhaps to accept things as they are a bit more, and need to control less.

For example I might be feeling like my health is out of control, and feeling some anxiety about it and so I want to go on a diet and set up an exercise plan and get everything under control. Now, these are not bad intentions, but we know that this kind of fear-based approach often doesn’t work. You never stop feeling out of control.

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So instead, I practice surrendering, and feel the fears coming up for me. I relax a bit and see that I’m suffering, that I could use some self-love. I also notice that instead of being unhappy with my health, I could love my body, love this moment as it is, even if it contains some pain and discomfort. Relaxing, surrendering, loving things as they are I can set an intention to love myself with nourishing food and movement.

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The surrendering doesn’t mean that I don’t take action — it means that I accept things as they are, and yet bring a loving intention into the equation. How can I love things as they are and have my actions come from a place of love as well?

Coming from a place of love instead of fear is powerfully transformative.

And even if I never take that loving action in the future the present is transformed as well. This moment is completely different for me if I’m not grasping for the illusion of control, but instead loving what is.

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So here are some ways to practice surrender:

Body

Body

  • Notice that you’re looking to control things, and instead pause. Drop into your body and notice the fear, uncertainty, anxiety that is causing you to want to get control. Stay with this physical sensation in your body, the energy of uncertainty, that causes you to grasp for control. Be with it fully, allowing yourself to feel it. Relax and surrender to it.
  • Open yourself to the rest of the moment, noticing how freaking amazing this moment is if you open up and pay attention. See it with fresh eyes, as if you’ve never experienced this moment before. Bring wonder and curiosity into this new viewing of the world.
  • Let yourself rest in openness — you don’t need to control things, you don’t need to know exactly what will happen, but instead, you an find an ease in the openness of this moment, the unknown quality of a beautifully shifting landscape.
  • How can you love yourself and everything around you in the middle of this openness? Can you fall in love with this moment?
  • What loving intention can you set for yourself in this situation? Coming from a place of love instead of fear, what would be the best next small step to take?

What a world we live in, if only we can fully see it. Surrendering is the way to move into that.

Nature

Nature

BY LEO BABAUTA | Photos: UnSplash

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Are You Stuck in Constant Self-Judgment?

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Are you a good enough friend, employee, partner, or parent? Are you thin, attractive, smart, and nice enough?

If you have doubts about yourself, you’re not alone. In fact, clinical psychologist Ronald D. Siegel has heard them from many of the clients he’s worked with over nearly 40 years—and grappled with them himself, despite being an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School.

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“I noticed that there was one painful struggle almost everyone seemed to share: the relentless quest to feel better about themselves,” he writes in his new book The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary.

In fact, he explains, most of us go about our days with “self-evaluative thoughts” rattling through our brains: concerns about our performance at work, disappointment about what we see in the mirror, judgments of our lovability based on the last conversation we had. Even when we feel good about ourselves, that feeling is fragile, ready to be shattered by the next blow to our self-image.

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Instead of this self-referential chatter, Siegel suggests another way of being based on connecting with others rather than proving ourselves to them. His book offers tips for working with the feelings of “not good enough” and building a stable sense of happiness.

Why self-evaluation hurts

sad flower

It Hurts

Although constantly evaluating our worth is exhausting, it’s also very human. “The propensity to evaluate ourselves and compare ourselves to others, which was once useful for survival, is actually hardwired into the human brain,” Siegel writes.

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To win the evolutionary race and reproduce, early humans had to compete with others for status, Siegel explains. Comparing ourselves to others, now an unfortunate side effect of social media, was once a survival skill. And being exiled from the tribe was a matter of life and death, so fears of rejection linger.

Today, concerns about our adequacy can take different forms in each person. Maybe you want to feel special and get good grades, or be attractive and make more money. Maybe you just want to be liked and have enough friends. Or maybe what’s important to you is feeling educated, creative, and talented enough.

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In response to these feelings, Siegel explains, we try to do everything we can to prove to ourselves and others that we are these things: good, generous, strong, successful, sexy. But that doesn’t work either.

“It’s actually our relentless trying to feel good about ourselves that causes much of our distress,” he writes.

famous woman

For example, research suggests that people who pursue external rewards like fame, power, wealth, and beauty in order to be popular are more anxious, depressed, and discontent compared to those who are focused on personal growth, relationships, and helping others.

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When our goals are external like that, we may find ourselves falling short all the time. There are always people doing better, so we can feel constantly judged. And if we ever hit a goal we had set for ourselves, we often just raise the bar again.

“Always performing, we rarely get a break to feel content or at peace,” Siegel writes.

A preoccupation with being good enough can also get in the way of connecting with others. When we perceive any kind of criticism from friends or coworkers, we may feel threatened and get defensive.

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Then, our habit of self-judgment can spill over into harshly judging others—which, surprise surprise, people don’t really appreciate. And if we constantly feel insecure, we might try too hard to be liked, or be too afraid to put ourselves out there in the first place.

Over the years, writes Siegel, all those times when we felt not good enough become a “pool of accumulated sadness, hurt, and shame” that can be triggered by things that happen in our daily lives. That weight is hard to carry.

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“Just think of how wonderful a day would be without worrying so much about how well you’re doing and what others think of you, instead simply enjoying life,” he writes.

How to feel good about yourself

happy flower

Instead of trying to do more so we can finally feel worthy, writes Siegel, the solution lies in shifting the focus altogether: from self to others. That means building our relationships and practicing skills like compassion, gratitude, and forgiveness. In any given interaction, that means focusing on connecting rather than impressing.

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You can also tackle your feelings of shame directly. As researcher Brené Brown has pointed out, shame thrives in secrecy, and Siegel encourages readers to share their imperfections and foibles with others. More often than not, you’ll find that you’re not alone, and we all have aspects of ourselves that we’re less than proud of.

He also suggests having a bit of a dialogue with your inner critic, asking them: “What are you afraid would happen if you weren’t doing such a good job criticizing me?” Then, you can turn to the wounded, insecure parts of yourself and ask: “What might you need right now?”

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The goal, according to Siegel, is to develop “unconditional self-acceptance,” an attitude similar to what you’d get from a good parent: “I’ll love you no matter what.” That doesn’t mean we don’t hold ourselves to certain standards, or feel disappointed when we fall short of them, but our missteps don’t damage our value as a human being.

“We can work to develop this feeling of acceptance whether or not we behave intelligently, correctly, or competently and whether or not others respect, love, or approve of our behavior—separating our evaluation of our abilities and behaviors from this sense of meaning or worth,” writes Siegel.

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That’s easier said than done, of course. One way to move toward this kind of self-acceptance is to realize that your self-standards may not be ones you chose in the first place; you may have unconsciously drifted from your core values as you moved through the world and were exposed to the opinions of others. For example, what do you think makes someone good and worthy, and where did those beliefs come from? What are the arbitrary rules that you expect yourself to follow?

He also suggests trying to be imperfect on purpose: missing an exit on the highway, singing in public, or not getting dressed up to leave the house. (If you’re like me, that all sounds very cringey—which is a good sign we need it.)

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“We can come to see that we’re all just ordinary human beings who are smart but also dumb, conscientious but also lazy, skilled but also inept, adored and rejected, and all of this is in constant flux,” Siegel writes.

Ultimately, he says, a sense of connection to all of humanity and to beings everywhere is what will most help us overcome our self-doubts. We’ll see that everyone is just muddling along on this finite journey through life together.

BY KIRA M. NEWMAN
Photo: Pexels

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Anxiety and Depression – How To Help Your Partner And Yourself

Living with anxiety and Depression can be tough.

Your thoughts might race, you might dread tasks others find simple (like driving to work) and your worries might feel inescapable. But loving someone with anxiety can be hard too. You might feel powerless to help or overwhelmed by how your partner’s feelings affect your daily life.

If so, you’re not alone: Multiple studies have shown that anxiety disorders may contribute to marital dissatisfaction.

“We often find that our patients’ … partners are somehow intertwined in their anxiety,” says Sandy Capaldi, associate director at the Center for the Treatment and Study of Anxiety at the University of Pennsylvania.

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Anxiety is experienced at many different levels and in different forms — from moderate to debilitating, from generalized anxiety to phobias — and its impacts can vary. But psychiatrists and therapists say there are ways to help your partner navigate challenges while you also take care of yourself.

Start by addressing symptoms.

Symptoms

Symptoms

Because an anxiety disorder can be consuming, it can be best to start by talking with your partner about the ways anxiety affects daily life, like sleeplessness, says Jeffrey Borenstein, president and CEO of the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation in New York. Something as simple as using the word “stress” instead of clinical labels can help too. “Often people may feel a little more comfortable talking about stress as opposed to … anxiety [disorders],” Borenstein says.

Don’t minimize feelings.

“Even if the perspective of the other person absolutely makes no sense to you logically, you should validate it,” says Carolyn Daitch, a licensed psychologist and director of the Center for the Treatment of Anxiety Disorders in Farmington Hills, Mich. Try to understand your partner’s fears and worries, or at least acknowledge that those fears and worries are real to your partner, before addressing why such things might be irrational.

Anxiety doesn’t have an easy solution, but helping someone starts with compassion. “Too many partners, particularly male partners, want to fix it right away,” Daitch says. “You have to start with empathy and understanding. You can move to logic, but not before the person feels like they’re not being judged and … misunderstood.”

Help your partner seek treatment — and participate when you can.

Help

Help

If your partner is overwhelmed by anxiety, encourage your partner to start therapy. You can even suggest names of therapists or offices, but don’t call the therapist and set up the appointment yourself, Borenstein says. You want the person to have a certain level of agency over treatment.

Capaldi says she often brings in a patient’s partner to participate in therapy and to bolster the patient’s support system at home. “The three of us — patient, partner, therapist — are a team, and that team is opposed to the anxiety disorder,” she says.

But don’t talk to your partner at home the way a therapist might. For example, don’t suggest your partner try medication or ways of modifying behavior. “Let the recommendations about treatment come from the professional” even if you yourself are in the mental health care field, Borenstein says. “I personally am a professional, and I wouldn’t [prescribe anything] to a loved one.”

It can also be helpful to do some research on whatever form of anxiety your partner might be living with, Capaldi says (The National Alliance on Mental Illness’ guide to anxiety disorders is a great starting point). “Many times, people with anxiety feel as if they’re misunderstood,” she says. “If the partner takes the time to research it a little bit, that can go a long way.”

For tips on how to help your partner pick the right type of therapy, check out this guide from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

Encourage — don’t push.

Yes you can

Yes you can

When your partner suffers from debilitating anxiety and you don’t, your partner’s behavior can be frustrating, says Cory Newman, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Perelman School of Medicine. But you should never patronize or diminish your partner’s fears. Comments such as “Why can’t you do this? What’s your problem?” will probably be ineffective.

Instead, try to encourage your partner to overcome the anxiety. “Channel your encouragement in a positive direction,” Newman says. “Say something like ‘Here’s how it will benefit you if you can face [this] discomfort.’ ”

Daitch cites the example of someone with an immense fear of flying: “Start off saying, ‘I really understand how scared you are of flying. It makes sense you’d be scared. You can’t get off the plane if you have a panic attack, [you’re] afraid you might embarrass yourself … or it feels like you’re out of control when there’s turbulence.’ See things from their perspective.”

Then you can try to gently push your partner to overcome those fears.

Cultivate a life outside your partner’s anxiety.

Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful

To maintain your own mental health, it’s important to cultivate habits and relationships that are for you alone, such as a regular exercise regimen or weekly hangouts with friends. Have your own support network, like a best friend or a therapist (or both), for when your partner’s anxiety overwhelms you.

Partners definitely need support of their own, Capaldi says, “whether that means their own therapeutic relationship or just friends, family [and] other interests or activities that set them apart from the world of anxiety they might be living in.”

And don’t let your partner’s anxiety run your family’s life. For example, someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is closely linked to anxiety disorders, might want family members to keep everything very clean or organized in arbitrary ways. Newman says it’s important to restrict how much you will organize your household around your partner’s anxiety — and not to indulge every request or mandate.

“Try to be respectful, but also set limits,” he says.

Help your partner remember that the goal is to manage anxiety — not to get rid of it.

“A lot of people with anxiety disorders understandably view anxiety as the enemy,” Newman says. “Actually, it’s not. The real enemy is avoidance. Anxiety causes [people] to avoid things — like applying to schools, flying to a cousin’s wedding — [that can lead to] an enriched life. … And that causes depression.”

It can also reduce the number of life experiences you and your partner share.

“You can have an anxious life, but if you do things — you’re doing that job interview, you’re saying yes to social invitations, you’re getting in that car and driving to the ocean even though … you don’t want to drive 10 miles — you’re doing those things still,” Newman says. “OK, you might need [medication] or therapy, but you’re still living life.”

By Susie Neilson
Image by Hanna Barczyk

Why Letting Go of Control Can Help You Enjoy Life

Feeling the need to be in control is natural.

It’s something we all inherently want, and we feel best when we know exactly what is going on in all the different areas of our lives. It’s important to realize, though, that we can never control everything. Trying to do that leads to many different negative emotions when things don’t go exactly the way we try to force them.

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There are many ways to increase your happiness in life, but one of the most simple and tangible ones is by letting go of control. Why should we do that, and how do we even begin? We’ll review everything you need to know about why you should stop trying to control everything in your life, and what steps you can take to get there.

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Why Do We Feel the Need to Control?

control-mental-health

Pieces of a flower

The desire to be able to control our surroundings and circumstances is ingrained into our consciousness. This is because the more we know about our world, the safer we feel. On the other hand, the less we know, the more scared we feel. The need to control is directly rooted in fear—specifically, the fear of what might happen outside our control.

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How Attempts to Control Negatively Affect Our Lives

It may be natural to want to control everything, but that doesn’t make it healthy. There are many ways in which trying to control everything could backfire in the long run. Let’s take a look at some of the top ones.

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Increased Stress And Anxiety

People who try to control everything may experience more stress and anxiety than those who don’t. The simple act of feeling out of control when it feels necessary to have it can make a person’s blood pressure rise.

One study noted that it is more devastating when things don’t go according to plan for people who feel the need to control than for those who feel less need to be in control.

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Less Satisfaction

Feeling the need to be in control and not having it can make us feel dissatisfied.

One study found that “subjects scoring high on a measure of general desire for control reported higher levels of discomfort and perceived the room as more crowded than did subjects scoring low on the desire for control at both levels of density.”

The very act of feeling a need for control led to a less pleasant situation for people for whom that was a priority versus those for which it wasn’t.

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia.

More Criticism

Because there is no way to control everything in life, caring too much about how things outside your control are going can lead to increased criticism about everything that happens. After all, when you don’t control the outcomes you want to, it makes sense that you don’t like them.

In turn, being more critical can make us more neurotic, creating an unending and spiraling cycle in which we get progressively unhappier with our lives. And criticism of others can also be damaging for people who deal with depression and anxiety, leading them to criticize themselves more.

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What Can Be Gained By Letting Go of Control

peaceful-mental-health

Peaceful Mountain Sunset

Now that you know how badly the need for control can impact our lives, it should be no surprise that there is much to be gained from giving it up. Giving up the need for control is often referred to as surrendering.

One example of that is Michael Singer’s book “The Surrender Experiment,” in which the author describes how his life improved when he stopped trying to control everything. Here are some of the benefits of giving up the need to feel control over everything.

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Increased Peace And Relaxation

Proponents of surrendering and utilizing a practice like Singer prescribes speak about the results of increased peace and relaxation. This makes sense when you consider that trying to control everything causes stress and anxiety, as peace and relaxation are opposites.

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Better Preparedness for the Unexpected

When you are less set on a specific outcome to a situation, you’ll be in a better place to handle whatever the outcome is. People who have given up control and surrendered can easily take whatever surprises life throws at them.

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By having less attachment, they’re more able to go with the flow. This means that however life unravels, you’ll be OK, rather than hinging your sense of OK-ness on specific outcomes that may be beyond your control.

Enhanced Connections With Self and Others

Inasmuch as trying to control everything makes you more critical of yourself and other people, giving up that control enables you to connect with others on deeper levels. That’s because you aren’t tying your love and acceptance for yourself and others on specific outcomes.

By simply letting people be how they are, and by allowing yourself to not be attached to how every situation turns out, you’re able to love more freely. This applies both to loving others and yourself.

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How to Let Go Of Control

Suppose you’ve decided you’d rather be at peace and well connected to others, rather than stressed and critical. In that case, you’re probably interested in learning about how exactly you can go about giving up the need for control. The below tips will help you get started on this relaxing path, but there are many other ways you can accomplish it, too.

Anything you can do that helps you feel more OK with not being in control is excellent. It can be large or small, practiced often or only in moments of need. We encourage you to try one of the following to guide you on this new journey.

Discern What You Can and Can’t Control

There’s no way to give up control until you know where in life it’s needed. Take stock of what you have going on. Think through the areas of life that are in your control and those that aren’t.

Once you’ve established which fall into each category, commit to treating the situations where you don’t or won’t have control differently than you have been. This includes disconnecting yourself from outcomes and treating other people differently when they don’t behave exactly as you want.

It may be helpful to think through the situations you can’t control to feel less anxiety about the different possible outcomes. Do your best to feel settled with each one as you think of it, knowing it is outside your control, you’re safe, and you’ll be OK however things work out.

mental-health-journal

Woman Journaling

Journal

Writing down your feelings can be a big relief for your stress levels. When you journal, you may be able to think through things in a deeper way than if you just think about them. For people who feel the need to be in control, journaling can help you work through potential outcomes and give you an outlet for those feelings without enabling them to amplify and grow.

Get Support From Loved Ones

Lastly, there is no need to go through this process alone! Chances are you have at least one loved one who also tries to control everything about life. You can reach out to them and let them know you’re on a mission to surrender and give up control. Ask them to join you, then meet or talk with them regularly about how the process is going.

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If someone in your life already has given up control and experienced the peace that comes with it, lean on them for support. Ask for tips, share about your experience, and learn from what they’ve accomplished.

The need for control is natural, but it can also make our lives more complicated. With these tips, you can be on your way to a happier life.

By Ariane Resnick, CNC and Medically reviewed by Rachel Goldman, PhD, FTOS

Photo: Unsplash

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What Is Breathwork and is it Beneficial?

Breathwork is about being able to control how you breathe and it has many health benefits for your mind and body.

But what exactly is is breathwork? Is it the same as meditation? How do they differ, and what benefits do you get from breathwork? Let’s find out!

What Is Breathwork?

What Is Breathwork?Breathwork is a breathing exercise or technique performed to improve mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. In this process, you consciously change your breathing pattern and bring balance to your body. There’s Breathwork for trauma, energy, healing, manifestation, grief, focus, etc. Whatever you need, there sure is a technique for you.

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While breathwork has become more popular in recent times, it is not a new concept. There’s a growing breathing community that has existed for thousands of years and has its origin in yoga practice. The basic idea behind this breathing exercise is to help release stress and toxins from your body when you exhale and nourish your mind.

Practicing breathwork leaves you feeling relaxed and energized. People engage in breathwork for several reasons. They include:

  • Positive self-development
  • Boosting immunity
  • Processing emotions and healing emotional trauma and pain
  • Developing life skills
  • Developing self-awareness
  • Enriching creativity
  • Improving personal and professional relationships
  • Increasing self-image, confidence, and self-esteem
  • Overcoming addictions
  • Releasing negative emotions

Is Breathwork the Same as Meditation?

Breathing is an integral part of most meditation sessions.

But breathwork and meditation are not the same. Instead, breathwork is an alternative technique, especially for people who struggle to sit and concentrate on their thoughts. It is a form of active meditation that involves using breathing practices to alter your mood or mental state.

Meditation focuses on present moment awareness while seeking to generate a more settled and focused mind. Additionally, breathwork exercises seek to influence the autonomic nervous system by changing the amount of air that is inhaled and exhaled It is sometimes argued that breathwork is more effective than meditation. First, however, it is essential to consider why you want either of the two and go for the one that best meets your needs.

What Are the Different Types of Breathwork?

types of breathwork

There are different ways you can practice breathwork. While some are basic and can be done at home, others require the help of a breathing expert. Below are some of the breathwork techniques you can try.

Deep Abdominal Breathing

This technique involves taking a long, deep breath. While breathing, visualize your breath filling your body. As a result, your belly and chest expand when you inhale.
When you exhale, your chest relaxes, and your navel pulls inward toward your spine. Doing this signals your body to relax and release stress.

4-7-8 Breathing

During this technique, you count seconds as you breathe in and out to focus your mind. Here’s how the process works: inhale for four seconds, hold your breath for seven seconds, and exhale for eight seconds. If you exhale longer than eight seconds, it helps you completely clear your lungs.

Alternate Nostril Breathing

Start with using your right thumb to apply pressure to your right nostril. Next, breathe in using your left nostril, and hold your breath while switching sides. Then, release your right thumb and use your right index finger to apply pressure to the left nostril while exhaling through the right nostril.
Afterward, pause, take a deep breath, and then alternate again. This breathwork technique helps create balance in your mind and body.

Breath of Fire

Breath of fire is a more advanced breathwork technique. When you breathe in, your abdominal muscles relax. Conversely, you engage your core to help push air out of your body when you breathe out. This technique requires a bit more work than the others. But once achieved, it provides a sense of steadiness.

Holotropic Breathwork

If you choose this technique, it would be best to have an experienced instructor guide you. Holotropic breathwork helps to achieve a continuous inhale and exhale pattern without pausing. Doing this floods your body with oxygen and renews your cells.

Is Breathwork Safe?

Is Breathwork Safe?Breathwork is generally a safe technique without any adverse health effects. However, it is possible experience one or more of the following if a technique is done wrongly or there is an underlying health condition:

  • Ringing in your ears
  • Irregular heartbeat
  • Dizziness
  • Tingling in your arms, hands, arms, feet, or legs
  • Muscle spasms
  • Change in vision from lack of oxygen

It’s best to consult a professional for advice if you notice any of these symptoms.

What Are the Benefits of Breathwork?

There are physical and emotional benefits when you practice breathwork. Below are the physical advantages:

  • It Alkalizes Your Blood’s pH: Respiratory alkalosis results from the physiological changes seen during sustained and rhythmic breathing. It causes a shift in the pH that follows hyperventilation. So, when you take faster breaths, you get rid of more CO2 and shift your body towards a higher alkaline pH.
  • It Increases Muscle Tone: When blood alkalizes, calcium ions floating in it go into hiding. The calcium ion then binds onto large proteins in the body called albumin. Consequently, you experience smooth muscle contractions and increased muscle tone.
  • It Improves Blood Pressure and Circulation: breathwork is beneficial to people with high blood pressure and improves blood circulation. This is mainly for people dealing with stress.

Other physical benefits of breathwork are more time in deep sleep, reduced PTSD and anxiety, and a better immune system. The emotional advantages are:

  • Less depression and anxiety
  • Better mental focus
  • Decrease in addictive behaviors
  • Allows emotional scars to heal
  • Better outlook on life
  • Contentment and joy

Final Thoughts on Breathwork.

joyBreathwork is effective in increasing your quality of life. However, the technique requires focus to get the best out of it. It also needs a quiet place where you’ll not be distracted by noise.

To achieve both, work with a professional counselor. When searching for breathwork professionals near you, look for Alicia Barmon, LCPC, C-IAYT, SEP, a Yoga Therapist, Experiencing Somatic Practitioner, and Adjunct Faculty at the Maryland University of Integrative Health to assist you.

Alicia is interested in helping you land in a peaceful place in this chaotic world while uncovering new possibilities to help you face challenges in life.

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Why Perfectionism Stops Us from Creating New Habits

When we decide to create a new habit — exercise, healthy eating, meditation, writing — we can get excited and optimistic, and have an idea of how it will go perfectly.

This is such a hopeful time! Unfortunately, reality has other plans.

Our perfect idea of how our new habit will go is pretty much never how it actually goes. We might do really well for a few days or even a couple of weeks, but inevitably we’ll miss a day or two because of tiredness, busyness, sickness, visitors, forgetting, etc. And then things get derailed, because of our perfect idea of how we hoped the habit would go.

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This is one of the main obstacles to forming habits. Our hopeful idea of how it will go, and then our disappointment and frustration with ourselves when it doesn’t go that way.

The idea that we should be super consistent and perfect in our habit attempts … it derails us.

Here’s what typically happens:

  • We think, “I’m going to start doing X everyday!” Then our minds get excited and we start imagining how it will go, and how it’s going to make our lives better and make us a better person.
  • We start trying to doing X every day.
  • The reality doesn’t match the imagination in some way: doing X is not as fun as we thought it would be, or we miss a couple of days, or we repeatedly miss a couple of days.
  • We get frustrated by the way things are going. We are disappointed in ourselves. We’re discouraged. We eventually quit and our self-image gets hurt.

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You can see from this sequence that the problem isn’t missing a couple of days — it’s the expectation or fantasy that we had about how it will go, and the resulting disappointment, frustration and discouragement that has us quit and feel bad about ourselves.

The problem isn’t the reality, it’s the expectation that things will go a certain way.

How could we find a different way?

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Reality-Based Habit Change

What if we simply said, “Let me try to bring a daily ritual of doing X into my life, and be curious about what it will be like”?

So there doesn’t have to be a fantasy that it will go perfectly or brilliantly. We don’t know how it will be. But we can bring an intention to do it, and a curiosity about what that will be like.

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Then we start doing it. We miss a day, but this is not a cause for discouragement. It’s a cause for curiosity — what got in the way? What would it be like to start again today?

Each day becomes a lovely place of learning.

Then “successful” days and “failure” days are not really binary results of success/failure, but instead a rich place of curiosity and learning.

What would that be like for you?

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How to Get More Committed to Yourself

While it is easy to show up to appointments we make with other people … I’ve noticed that most people struggle with commitments they make with themselves.

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If you say you’re going to exercise, meditate, write, journal, work on a project … but then you don’t stick to that commitment … it can feel like you’re letting yourself down.

We start to form the mental habit of letting ourselves off the hook, so that we don’t trust ourselves to stick to our own commitments, if other people aren’t involved. This creates a belief that we aren’t as important to ourselves as other people are.

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I’m not saying we’re terrible people for doing this, or even wrong. It’s just how it goes for most of us, and it’s good to notice.

So what can we do about this? How can we start to stick to commitments to ourselves?

I’m going to lay out some things I’ve found to be important.

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To Start: Get Curious About What’s Going On

Before we try to shift anything, it’s important to really get curious about what’s there. We try to change things about ourselves from a place of judgment, wanting to get rid of what’s bad, rather than really trying to understand ourselves.

So start by noticing, when you don’t show up for yourself, what’s going on? What are you feeling in that moment? What are your thoughts? Instead of judging and turning away from all of this, can you turn towards it and try to really see yourself?

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Could you start to accept these feelings and thoughts as a part of the amazing human being that you are?

Could you let go of judgment and just be with the feelings and fears, and not need them to go away?

From this place of acceptance and love, we can start to explore other possibilities.

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Some Steps to Start to Get More Committed to Yourself

So what can we try that’s different?

Here are some things I’ve found useful:

  1. Make a date with yourself. I have a Zen sewing teacher, helping me with a sewing project that I often put off, over and over. He tells me to make a date with myself: put it on the calendar. And it works! I encourage you to be serious about this date, and not take it lightly.
  2. Ask yourself if you really want to. Zen teacher Norman Fischer says that the process of committing yourself to morning meditation starts the night before: ask yourself if you really want to do it. If you say Yes, then ask again: “Are you sure?” If you say No, then take it off your calendar and sleep in. But if you really want to do it, then really commit yourself, because it’s important to you.
  3. Anxiety Treatment near meMoon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment.

  4. Treat it as sacred. As I said, don’t treat it lightly — we often treat our commitments to ourselves as something that don’t matter, that can be pushed back without consequence. But what if this were a sacred appointment? Something elevated beyond the ordinary, that we treat as really important to us? Something that is a way to honor ourselves and our best intentions? Something that we’ll even enjoy!
  5. Honor what shows up, and honor yourself. As you approach your date with yourself, you might feel resistance. Fear or uncertainty. A desire to put it off, or to treat it with less importance. Honor that — really turn towards it and let yourself feel it, like it’s an important feeling. But also honor yourself — can you see that showing up for yourself is also important?
  6. Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia.

  7. Bring a sense of curiosity, play, appreciation. This doesn’t have to be a white-knuckle experience, where you force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. It can be a place of curiosity, where you let yourself explore and play and learn. It can be a place of joy, of appreciation for yourself and for the activity. Can you find out what that might be like for yourself?

Marriage Counseling near me
Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless people find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy.

I’d love to hear more about what you discover as you practice with all of this, and start to honor how important you are to yourself.

BY LEO BABAUTA
Photo by Surface on Unsplash

InSession is the only all-in-one therapist marketing company devoted to therapists. For a beautiful therapist website design using a powerful website builder, InSession has All Aspects of Your Therapy Practice in One Place.

 

 

 

How To Tell Your Friends You’re Depressed

Deciding to tell the people you love that you’re struggling with depression is a big step. Not only is it challenging to find the energy to reach out to people, but there are naturally worries about how the news of your diagnosis will be received.

Unfortunately, there are too many misconceptions about mental health and what it means and the last thing you need is to be judged negatively because of it.

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But, opening up about your depression is one of the most effective ways to get the help and support you need at a time when you likely feel vulnerable and alone, especially if you choose to disclose your illness to people that you know and trust.

Remember though, you are in control and you get to choose who knows and who doesn’t. Just don’t let fear of the unknown keep you from opening up to the people who care about you.

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If you’re considering disclosing your diagnosis to the people close to you but just aren’t sure how to start the conversation, here are some things to consider.

Why You Should Talk About Depression

Naturally, the prospect of disclosing your depression to other people is scary. You have no way of knowing for sure how they will respond.

But choosing to tell the people closest to you about your diagnosis and your struggles can be very healing, especially if they offer support and encouragement.

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In fact, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, simply talking to a sympathetic person can reduce your stress level and improve your mood.

Likewise, letting other people know about your depression provides a safety net of sorts, especially if your condition worsens or if you need help or support.

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In some cases, you may even want to share your crisis plan with a few trusted friends or family friends. This way, they know how to respond if your depression hits crisis level or you start talking about suicide.

The key is that you try not to deal with depression alone. Being depressed already heightens feelings of isolation, loneliness, and hopelessness.

You can help counteract these feelings by surrounding yourself with supportive people who remind you that you are not alone and that you are loved—even when you don’t feel that way.

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What to Consider Before You Disclose

Ideally, the people around you will be empathetic and understanding, but in reality some of those closest to you may be uneducated about depression and what it means.

Some People Don’t Understand Depression

People may want to help you but are not sure how, or they may believe some of the myths that society buys into about depression.

For this reason, you need to be aware of the fact that not everyone will understand what you’re going through.

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Consequently, you may want to carefully choose who you disclose this information to and when.

Start by making a list of the most supportive people you know. Typically, these people are the ones you should tell first. Remember, not everyone knows how to offer emotional support though.

If you have friends or family members who lack this skill, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. It just means that they may not be the best ones to invite into your journey. In fact, telling them—particularly when you are vulnerable—may be counterproductive.

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Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless people find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy.

How Many People Should You Tell?

There is no right or wrong number of people to tell. In fact, the number will be different for everyone. Some people choose to tell just one person, and others benefit from telling many of the people in their life.

You are the expert on your situation and can decide what is best for you.

How You Feel About Your Depression

As you prepare to tell other people about your depression, it also can be helpful to consider how you feel about the diagnosis first.

In other words, what are your perceptions of depression as well as your expectations of yourself?

Understanding your feelings and coming to terms with your diagnosis helps you be more confident about sharing with others without feeling afraid or ashamed.

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Disclosing Your Depression

When you decide to talk to your friends about your depression, it’s natural to feel uncertain and a little apprehensive. But, you shouldn’t let these feelings stand in your way.

Remind yourself that sharing details about your depression and what you’re going through can be very healing and in the end will benefit you in a number of ways.

Plus, having a few supportive people in your corner when things feel overwhelming, can do wonders for your mood. Good friends remind you that you are worthy and that your life is worth living.

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Moon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment.

So, if you have decided to invite a close friend or family member into your journey, here are some tips on how to talk about your depression:

  • Pick a day and time when you’re feeling OK and you feel like talking. You don’t have to force yourself to discuss your depression if you just don’t feel up to it or if you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.
  • Choose a casual environment for sharing the details, like while taking a walk, shooting hoops, or having a cup of coffee. Not only will the activity improve your mood, but doing something together that you enjoy provides a good distraction in case one or both of you need to gather your thoughts.
  • Share as much or as little information as you want because there are no guidelines on what people have to know. Never feel obligated to share everything and if they ask a question you’re not comfortable answering, simply respond with “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”
  • Rehearse the conversation in your head or write it down because sometimes, in the moment, you can forget to mention key things you want your friends to know, so it helps to be prepared.
  • Try not to worry about what the person will think of your situation. Remind yourself that they love you and want to support you even if they don’t know how.
  • Let the person know how they can help as your close friends will want to help if they can. So, think about what you might like from your friend. Maybe you just need them to be there for you or maybe you’d like them to join you at your first therapy visit. You might also ask them to hold you accountable for any actions that may harm you, like drinking while taking medications.
  • Remember that their reaction is not a reflection on you, regardless of how your friend responds. It’s also not your fault if they’re not supportive or understanding. And, if they try to discredit you, gently remind them that you’re the one living with depression and that you know yourself best.1
  • Refrain from getting into debates about depression because it’s not your job to educate your friend or defend your diagnosis. While you can point them to resources for more information, don’t expend a lot of energy trying to change someone’s opinion.
  • Set some boundaries if needed, in other words, if your friend wants to “fix” the situation or tries to become your therapist, gently remind them that you’re already seeing a counselor and what you need most from them is their support and encouragement.
  • Remember, talking about depression demonstrates that it’s OK to talk about mental health and that it’s not something to hide or be ashamed of. You may be surprised to learn that they also are struggling with a mental health issue or have a close friend or family member that is.
  • Congratulate yourself on having the courage to share your diagnosis with another person. You have just taken another step forward in your recovery and healing.

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When it comes to talking to others about your depression, you’re not obligated to tell anyone that you are depressed unless you want to tell them, including family members, friends, and coworkers.

If you feel like certain people in your life won’t understand or are unsafe, by all means keep the information to yourself.

Keep in mind though that telling other people you are depressed can be both beneficial and healing. You shouldn’t have to go through this experience alone, especially if there are friends or family members who would be understanding and supportive.

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Reach out to those closest to you and invite them into your life. You might be surprised how much better you will feel just by having a few supportive people around you.

Photo: Pexels

By Sherri Gordon and Reviewed by David Susman, PhD

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Can Counseling Help With Depression?

Depression is a serious mood disorder.

with an estimated 16 million American adults having at least one major depressive episode in the past year.1 It can affect how you think, feel, interact with people, and handle daily life. It can cause feelings of sadness and a loss of interest or pleasure in things you once enjoyed. Anyone can be affected by depression, and it can happen at any age, but it often begins in adulthood.

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The good news is, depression is highly treatable, with reports of 80% to 90% of people responding well to treatment.2 One of the reasons depression responds so well to treatment is the success of the therapeutic process. Finding the right counselor, psychotherapist, or psychologist that can help you understand and work through the underlying causes of depression as well as develop coping strategies to deal with the symptoms is the first step to feeling better.

Types of Depression

What makes depression a bit more complicated to understand is that anyone can feel this way. Diagnosing depression requires a complex process involving a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health professional. In general, to be diagnosed with depression, symptoms need to be present for at least two weeks.

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There are several types of depression as defined by the DSM-5 including, but not limited to, major depressive disorder, persistent depressive disorder, seasonal affective disorder (major depressive disorder with a seasonal pattern), postpartum depression (depression with peripartum onset), and bipolar disorder.

Treating Depression

Depression is often treated with medications called antidepressants, therapy, or a combination of the two. There are several types of antidepressant medications available. It may take some time to find the right one for you, so working closely with your doctor is critical during this time. Once you find one that works, you may notice an improvement in how you feel within a month.

Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Treating depression with therapy or psychotherapy has proven helpful in both short-term and long-term cases of depression.3 Like medications, there are various forms of therapy and experts to choose from. Some of the more common evidence-based approaches include cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), interpersonal therapy (IPT), and problem-solving therapy.

Counseling vs. Psychotherapy

Treating depression with “talk therapy” is often the first step with mild to moderate depression. Many experts will go this route prior to trying medication. If depression is more severe, a combination of therapy and medication may happen at the same time. Before moving forward, it’s important to understand the differences between counseling and psychotherapy.

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While the two are very similar, it’s important to note that sometimes, psychotherapy with a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist (MD) is considered more of a long-term approach that focuses on severe depression and issues that are significantly impacting your life. Counseling, on the other hand, is seen more as a short-term therapy (up to 6 months) that may focus more on mild to moderate depression, especially if it is a newer issue.

Counseling for Depression

The length and severity of the symptoms and episodes of depression often determine the type of therapy. If you’ve been depressed for a length of time and the symptoms are severe, working with a psychiatrist or psychologist (PsyD) may be necessary since they deal more with issues from the past that may be deeply-rooted in your present feelings. But if the symptoms of depression are more recent or not as severe, working with a therapist in a counseling relationship may be the way to go.

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During counseling, the therapist will use “talk therapy” to help you understand and work through the issues that are impacting your life in negative ways. Their role is to listen, provide feedback, and work with you to develop strategies to cope. They will also evaluate your progress and adjust the sessions accordingly. You may be asked to do homework that extends the learning from the counseling sessions. Often, this is in the form of tracking moods and feelings.

Counseling for depression focuses more on present thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and how these things are affecting your life currently. That’s why CBT has been a useful model to use in counseling sessions.

With CBT, the therapist can help you change negative thinking that may be making the symptoms of depression worse. The focus is goal-oriented, with you, the patient, taking an active role.

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Since CBT is generally considered short-term therapy, it’s often a top choice for therapists when working with mild to moderate cases of depression that may not need long-term, in-depth psychotherapy. Evidence suggests that CBT works well in counseling for depression.4 It’s also proven to reduce relapse or recurrence rates of depression once counseling has ceased.

Interpersonal therapy (IPT) is another brief or short-term method used in counseling for depression that focuses on interpersonal conflict and poor social support, which can lead to feelings of depression. IPT can help you communicate better and address issues that make the symptoms of depression worse. Evidence suggests that IPT is effective in acute treatment of depression, and it may help prevent new depressive disorders.

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How to Find a Counselor

Finding the right counselor, psychologist, or mental health expert to work with may take some time. When it comes to counseling for depression, the relationship between patient and counselor is key to the success of the therapy. It’s important to be patient and open to the process. You may find that you need to see a few people before finding someone you trust.

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Moon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment.

If you’re not sure where to look, a good place to start is with your doctor. You can also contact any larger mental health facilities in your area. While they may not offer the services you need, they will likely know of counselors close to where you live that provide therapy for depression.

Finally, spend some time researching the experts in your area. Go online and read their bios. Send an email asking for more information about their preferred forms of treatment and how they interact with clients. Many therapists offer a free intro session to see if it is a good fit. Find out if they offer a free trial session and give it a try.

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One other form of counseling to consider, especially for more mild forms of depression, is online therapy. The popularity of online therapy has increased in the last few years as more people are seeking help but often feel more comfortable doing it Online resources and apps such as Talkspace offer support via a desktop or mobile app with a variety of services including individual sessions, comprehensive courses taught by a therapist that help you work through issues related to depression and come up with and practice coping strategies.

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia.

Living with depression can feel overwhelming at times. Working with a mental health expert in a therapeutic relationship provides you with a safe environment to identify the thoughts, feelings, and patterns of behavior that are contributing to your symptoms. Counseling can also help you learn new coping skills and techniques to better manage the symptoms.

Marriage Counseling near me
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Short-term counseling, which typically lasts 6 months or less, is appropriate for mild to moderate depression. If you feel like you could benefit from counseling for depression, talk with your doctor about getting a referral. Finding someone you trust and feel comfortable opening up to is critical in the success of the counseling process.

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Therapist near me: the reasons why your ADHD brain needs more sleep

As a therapist I’m usually a good sleeper.

In fact, sleep and I have a bit of a thing going on. But last night? We weren’t friends at all. I was tossing and turning, my body ached, and my mind raced. I tried all my tricks, but it just wasn’t happening. And my alarm went off after I managed maybe a total of 4 hours. So today?

I’m a bit of a mess.

Marcy M. Caldwell, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment and assessment of adult ADHD Psychologist Philadelphia.

My therapy brain is foggy, each word I type seems to take a century, and oh how annoying everything and everyone around me is!

But, it’s been worse. Much worse.

In fact, I have a bright and vivid memory emblazoned on my brain from when my youngest was an infant.

Is it his sweet, toothless grin as he gazed up at me? No. Is it his delicious little thigh rolls? Nope. Not that either—unfortunately, those memories need the aid of photos to call up.

You know what doesn’t need any aid? The memory of me dissolving in a puddle of tears in the middle of the kitchen floor, crying, “I’m just so f**king tired!” then continuing this cry all the way up the stairs as my husband directed me to bed. Once on that bed- did I lay down and go to sleep? No! I just sat on the edge, my shoulders heaving as I cried hot, angry tears and my husband tried, fruitlessly, to convince me to lay down and sleep.

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New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard. 56 Leonard Street, Apt 17AE, New York, NY 10013

Why do we resist sleep?

Why was I resisting the one thing that would actually help? The truth is that therapy science doesn’t really know why we resist sleep but they do know we are the only mammals that do it. They are also very clear on what happens when we deprive our oh-so-tired brains of the thing they crave the most.

One of the interesting findings when looking at sleep-deprived brains is that ADHD and sleep-deprived neurotypical brains look remarkably similar.

Sleep deprived Neurotypical and ADHD brain comparison

In fact, when scientists look at fMRI scans of ADHD and neurotypical brains deprived of sleep, they see that the two look virtually identical EXCEPT that the sleep-deprived brain actually has a little extra assist in the thalamus (our brains relay station) ADHD brain does not.

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Kathryn McNeer, LPC specializes in Couples Counseling Dallas with her sound, practical and sincere advice. Kathryn’s areas of focus include individual counseling, relationship and Marriage Counseling Dallas. Kathryn has helped countless people find their way through life’s inevitable transitions; especially “the mid-life crisis.” Kathryn draws from Gottman and Cognitive behavioral therapy.

This extra therapy assist that the sleep-deprived brain gives may be why some people with ADHD say they feel better when they don’t get enough sleep- they may be benefitting from this extra sleep deprivation boost that they don’t normally get.

The problem is, that extra help?

It doesn’t last. And then the sleep-deprived ADHD brain is left with even less fuel in its executive functioning stores and struggles even more.

Couples Therapy Palo Alto: Relationships in the Tech World. Being a Marriage and Family Therapist in the Bay Area specializing in Couples Therapy Palo Alto, means I have the privilege to meet clients from very diverse backgrounds. I am Kin Leung, MFT and I specialize in Individual and Couples Therapy Palo Alto.

What does sleep deprivation do to ADHD brains?

If your ADHD brain could talk after several nights of, even just a little, less sleep it would sound a lot like this.

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Sleep deprivation and ADHD

AHHH, it’s like my ADHD symptoms are on steroids!
Sleep deprivation amplifies ADHD symptoms. The exact same areas of the brain are impacted. That means that when you don’t sleep- your brain has even less fuel in its executive function stores causing you to reach that “I’ve got absolutely nothing” point before you even get started.

Anxiety Treatment near me
Moon Bloom Wellness offers online mental health counseling and specializes in anxiety treatment and depression treatment.

Why won’t my brain work!!

(AKA “slowed cognitive therapy speed”) It’s that feeling of your brain slogging through the swamp wearing oversized galoshes filled with heavy mud—you know the one— Is, what makes it hard to follow a conversation, put 2 concepts together, or respond quickly. The ADHD brain is often trying to follow so many tracks at the same time that it can struggle to feel quick on a well-rested day. Following all those tracks while also moving at a snail’s pace? That can feel impossible.

Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Rational Emotive Therapy, and Mindfulness. Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.

Oh, that was important? Whoops!

Already having a hard time staying on top of the essential things, picking out details, and attending to the top priorities? Add some sleep deprivation in and you might as well just watch it all sail on by! Your brain doesn’t have enough energy to see all the things it needs to and pick the most important ones so it just lets everything pass by.

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Sometimes people with ADHD actually appreciate this feeling- because it can ease some anxiety and struggle. And if it only happens here and there, it’s not too bad because the important things will likely circle back to you. But when this happens repeatedly (or in certain jobs or roles), missing the important things can have a lasting and even devastating impact.

Stimulation Overload

You know how that scratchy sweater is completely intolerable when you are tired? Or how the chances of you not checking that pop-up after pulling an all-nighter are virtually non-existent? That’s because your executive attention stores are basically wiped out by lack of sleep. Executive attention is your ability to filter out distracting or extraneous material from your awareness. ADHD brains don’t love this to begin with- it takes a lot of its energy- lack of sleep depletes the resource so significantly it can feel like the filter never even existed.

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Wait, what? You asked me to get milk?

Lack of sleep diminishes your working memory stores, which I like to describe as the table on which you put all the things you need to think about. When something is on the table, you can play with it, use it, or find a place to store it. But the table can get too full, and then things start falling off. The ADHD brain loves to collect things on the table- it likes to have things out and visible. But lack of sleep? That makes your table smaller, so now you don’t have room for your grocery list, your to-do list, and what the person in front of you is saying- things start plummeting off the edge of the table- often never to be seen again- sorry grocery list!

Florida therapist near me Christiane Blanco-Oilar, Ph.D. offers compassionate psychological services for individuals and Online Therapy Florida. I enjoy working with individuals and couples going through life transitions, relationship challenges or identity exploration, or those experiencing grief and loss, depression, anxiety, postpartum depression and eating disorders.

Problem Solving? Forget about it!

This is part of what was going on as I sat on the edge of my bed, crying about being tired. I had lost all of my higher therapy thinking power. My problem-solving capacity was virtually non-existent. There I was literally sitting on the solution, and I couldn’t put 2 and 2 together. Problem-solving requires a lot of executive functioning (something the ADHD brain has a limited supply of), so making it harder by lack of sleep? That feels unfair.

ALL the feelings

We are angrier and more easily frustrated when we are tired. Scientists have discovered that a lack of sleep cuts the connection between the emotional part of our brain (the amygdala) and the part of our brain that makes sense of emotion (the prefrontal cortex). So we aren’t able to reason through our feelings- we feel them full force.

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Sound familiar? The same thing happens with ADHD. When you are well-rested, your ADHD brain may struggle but still can get some of that communication through, provided it doesn’t get too flooded. Sleep-deprived, though? Now all channels are down and out of order and the feelings just come flooding in full force.

Sugar. Fat. Salt. Yes, Please!

When my youngest was an infant, I got into the habit of eating several candy bars a day (and I’m not talking about the fun-size version). I told myself I was nursing and needed the extra calories, but, really? My oh-so-tired brain just wanted that sugar rush. Our sleep-deprived brains overuse and overvalue its “drive” parts and underuse “higher thinking” parts. So high-fat, high-salt, high-sugar foods are extra rewarding to a tired brain, AND a tired brain doesn’t have the willpower in reserves to resist the reward.

This is a pattern already seen in ADHD. At the beginning of the day- it’s easy to resist that candy bowl on your coworker’s desk by 3 pm, though? The will-power supplies are low, and it gets so much harder. If you start the day already depleted then, it can feel next to impossible to resist that powerful therapy drive for pleasure all day long.

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Anxiety Treatment & Anxiety Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

Occasional anxiety is an expected part of life. You might feel anxious when faced with a problem at work, before taking a test, or before making an important decision. But anxiety disorders involve more than temporary worry or fear. For a person with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety does not go away and can get worse over time. The symptoms can interfere with daily activities such as job performance, school work, and relationships.

There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and various phobia-related disorders.

Signs and Symptoms

Anxiety Treatment Chapel Hill N.C. CBT helps individuals address and treat anxiety, depression, relationship problems, etc. by teaching new skills and ways of coping. For example, someone with social anxiety may work to improve the skill of tolerating being in anxiety-inducing social situations.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

People with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) display excessive anxiety or worry, most days for at least 6 months, about a number of things such as personal health, work, social interactions, and everyday routine life circumstances. The fear and anxiety can cause significant problems in areas of their life, such as social interactions, school, and work.

Generalized anxiety disorder symptoms include:

  • Feeling restless, wound-up, or on-edge
  • Being easily fatigued
  • Having difficulty concentrating; mind going blank
  • Being irritable
  • Having muscle tension
  • Difficulty controlling feelings of worry
  • Having sleep problems, such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, restlessness, or unsatisfying sleep

An anxiety disorder can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment boulder. To learn more contact WellTalk. Anxiety Disorder Boulder.

Panic Disorder

People with panic disorder have recurrent unexpected panic attacks. Panic attacks are sudden periods of intense fear that come on quickly and reach their peak within minutes. Attacks can occur unexpectedly or can be brought on by a trigger, such as a feared object or situation.

During a panic attack, people may experience:

  • Heart palpitations, a pounding heartbeat, or an accelerated heart rate
  • Sweating
  • Trembling or shaking
  • Sensations of shortness of breath, smothering, or choking
  • Feelings of impending doom
  • Feelings of being out of control

People with panic disorder often worry about when the next attack will happen and actively try to prevent future attacks by avoiding places, situations, or behaviors they associate with panic attacks. Worry about panic attacks, and the effort spent trying to avoid attacks, cause significant problems in various areas of the person’s life, including the development of agoraphobia (see below).

Phobia-related disorders

A phobia is an intense fear of—or aversion to—specific objects or situations. Although it can be realistic to be anxious in some circumstances, the fear people with phobias feel is out of proportion to the actual danger caused by the situation or object.

People with a phobia:

  • May have an irrational or excessive worry about encountering the feared object or situation
  • Take active steps to avoid the feared object or situation
  • Experience immediate intense anxiety upon encountering the feared object or situation
  • Endure unavoidable objects and situations with intense anxiety

There are several types of phobias and phobia-related disorders:

Specific Phobias (sometimes called simple phobias): As the name suggests, people who have a specific phobia have an intense fear of, or feel intense anxiety about, specific types of objects or situations. Some examples of specific phobias include the fear of:

  • Flying
  • Heights
  • Specific animals, such as spiders, dogs, or snakes
  • Receiving injections
  • Blood

Social anxiety disorder (previously called social phobia): People with social anxiety disorder have a general intense fear of, or anxiety toward, social or performance situations. They worry that actions or behaviors associated with their anxiety will be negatively evaluated by others, leading them to feel embarrassed. This worry often causes people with social anxiety to avoid social situations. Social anxiety disorder can manifest in a range of situations, such as within the workplace or the school environment.

Agoraphobia: People with agoraphobia have an intense fear of two or more of the following situations:

  • Using public transportation
  • Being in open spaces
  • Being in enclosed spaces
  • Standing in line or being in a crowd
  • Being outside of the home alone

People with agoraphobia often avoid these situations, in part, because they think being able to leave might be difficult or impossible in the event they have panic-like reactions or other embarrassing symptoms. In the most severe form of agoraphobia, an individual can become housebound.

Separation anxiety disorder: Separation anxiety is often thought of as something that only children deal with; however, adults can also be diagnosed with separation anxiety disorder. People who have separation anxiety disorder have fears about being parted from people to whom they are attached. They often worry that some sort of harm or something untoward will happen to their attachment figures while they are separated. This fear leads them to avoid being separated from their attachment figures and to avoid being alone. People with separation anxiety may have nightmares about being separated from attachment figures or experience physical symptoms when separation occurs or is anticipated.

Risk Factors for Anxiety Disorder

Researchers are finding that both genetic and environmental factors contribute to the risk of developing an anxiety disorder. Although the risk factors for each type of anxiety disorder can vary, some general risk factors for all types of anxiety disorders include:

Temperamental traits of shyness or behavioral inhibition in childhood
Exposure to stressful and negative life or environmental events in early childhood or adulthood
A history of anxiety or other mental illnesses in biological relatives
Some physical health conditions, such as thyroid problems or heart arrhythmias, or caffeine or other substances/medications, can produce or aggravate anxiety symptoms; a physical health examination is helpful in the evaluation of a possible anxiety disorder.

Anxiety Treatment and Therapy

Anxiety disorders are generally treated with psychotherapy, medication, or both. There are many ways to treat anxiety and people should work with their specialist to choose the treatment that is best for them.

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapy or “talk therapy” can help people with anxiety disorders. To be effective, psychotherapy must be directed at the person’s specific anxieties and tailored to his or her needs.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is an example of one type of psychotherapy that can help people with anxiety treatment. It teaches people different ways of thinking, behaving, and reacting to anxiety-producing and fearful objects and situations. CBT can also help people learn and practice social skills, which is vital for treating social anxiety disorder.

Cognitive therapy and exposure therapy are two CBT methods that are often used, together or by themselves, to treat social anxiety disorder. Cognitive therapy focuses on identifying, challenging, and then neutralizing unhelpful or distorted thoughts underlying anxiety disorders. Exposure therapy focuses on confronting the fears underlying an anxiety disorder to help people engage in activities they have been avoiding. Exposure therapy is sometimes used along with relaxation exercises and/or imagery.

CBT can be conducted individually or with a group of people who have similar difficulties. Often “homework” is assigned for participants to complete between sessions.

Support Groups

Some people with anxiety disorders might benefit from joining a self-help or support group and sharing their problems and achievements with others to aid in anxiety treatment. Internet chat rooms might also be useful, but any advice received over the internet should be used with caution, as Internet acquaintances have usually never seen each other and what has helped one person is not necessarily what is best for another. You should always check with your specialist before following any treatment advice found on the internet. Talking with a trusted friend or member of the clergy can also provide support, but it is not necessarily a sufficient alternative to care from a health professional.

Stress Management Techniques

Anxiety treatment using stress management techniques and meditation can help people with anxiety disorders calm themselves and may enhance the effects of therapy. Research suggests that aerobic exercise can help some people manage their anxiety; however, exercise should not take the place of standard care and more research is needed.

THE ADHD ADVANTAGE: The 10 greatest benefits of ADHD brains

Is ADHD a gift?

Yes.

No.

Kinda. Sorta. Maybe. It depends. And everything in between.

ADHD brains are different.

And with difference comes great strength and great struggle. There are some indisputable advantages to ADHD brains- they work in some unique and marvelous ways. But living with a brain that works differently than much of the rest of the world? That’s hard. That brings pain and struggle.

So maybe we don’t need to define ADHD as a gift or a curse. Maybe we don’t need to compare ADHD brains to neurotypical brains.

Maybe we could acknowledge their difference, their unique beauties, and their strengths but also hold onto the truth that ADHD brains lack a privilege that neurotypical brains have- the privilege to operate in a world created for its brain. And whenever you lack privilege, struggle follows.

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The ADHD Advantage:

But the difference and the struggle that make ADHD both a gift and a burden are precisely what creates its advantage.

The Advantage of Struggle:

Any parenting book worth its salt will tell you not to swoop in and save your child every time he/she faces a problem. Why?

Because it’s a struggle that teaches us.

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Pain and struggle push us out of our comfort zone, it shows us what we are capable of, and it proves to us what we can withstand. And besides that? Struggle and pain help us build empathy and compassion for the struggle and pain of the people around us.

The Advantage of Difference:
Seeing the world differently? Having different experiences? Needing to understand your brain to work it to its fullest? That’s hard. But you know what? That is also beautiful. Because all that difference brings new energy, new perspectives, and new possibilities to the table, that without your unique brain may have been boring, bland, and ever so linear.

When you combine these two advantages, you get that special sauce that makes ADHD brains their flavor of awesome.

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Top 10 ADHD Superpowers

Novel Problem Solving
ADHD brains are big picture thinkers. They can zoom out– way out– which allows them to see patterns where other people only see chaos. This makes ADHD brains great CEOs, creatives, and team members because they will so often find the novel solution where others feel stuck

Compassion

The flip side to sensitivity and a history of struggle? The ability to empathize with the pain and struggle of others. ADHD brains see pain, and they don’t just walk on by- they want to help, they feel drawn to give others a hand up, particularly when it’s one they needed themselves at one point.

Sense of Humor

Many ADHDers are the life of the party. But even when they’re not the center of the show, they’re often on the side, bringing light and humor to the group. ADHD brains look at the world differently, they have a keen sense of perception, and they know from experience that perfection is overrated. Roll that all into one, and you get a wicked sense of humor that brings fun to any situation.

ADHD Intuition

The sensitivity of an ADHD brain makes it attune to minor details that other brains may miss. Neurotypical brains filter out extraneous details, but because the ADHD brain takes it all in, it doesn’t miss a thing. This tunes it into the feelings, non-verbals, and subtle cues that people are putting out and makes it almost eerily able to read a situation or person.

ADHD Creativity

ADHD brains are brains without walls. They don’t tend to operate in a lockstep, linear way. And when you don’t function linearly, you’re opened up to more options, possibilities, and solutions. Neurotypical brains are often confined by their own linear process. But ADHD brains see these possibilities and embrace the endless possibility they bring.

Sense of Justice

ADHD brains are often “justice sensitive.” They have a keen sense of what’s right and wrong, and they notice and are activated by injustice around them. I’ve always believed this comes from the ADHD brain’s tendency to see the big picture and not gloss over details. When it takes in a big picture, and there is even one small detail that’s amiss, the ADHD brain has a hard time letting that go.

Unlike others, who may not even notice and almost always look away- ADHD brains see injustice and act in part because seeing that thing that is amiss is too painful to let go.

Hyperfocus

The ADHD brain’s ability to hyperfocus is a powerful thing. ADHD brains can zone in on something and not let it go even when other things (and people) are calling for its attention. When it’s in hyperfocus, it is incredible the things an ADHD brain can accomplish.

Boundless Energy

One of my favorite things about ADHD brains is their energy. As someone who sometimes struggles to maintain her energy through a day- the energy that an ADHD brain brings is refreshing and inspiring. And the beauty of that energy is that in addition to fueling you- it’s so often contagious.

Spontaneity

Can ADHD brains be impulsive? Yes.

Can that impulsivity be used as spontaneity? Double yes!

Inspired ADHD brains can be quick starters, not stuck in the should I/ shouldn’t I that can so often stall a neurotypical brain. That spontaneity brings passion and enthusiasm and can push people out of their comfort zone and into something new and challenging.

Levelheadedness

You find an above-average number of ADHD brains in ERs, surgery theaters, firehouses, and police stations. Because while the crisis may cause some brains to shut down. ADHD brains are often clarified and activated by a crisis- making them great paramedics, firefighters, ER docs, and professional athletes.

What are your favorite things about your brain?

Choosing to Live Your Life over Anxiety

Remember that anxiety list you keep?

It might not be a literal list, but it is a list somewhere in your psyche. I am referring specifically to that list that gets added to every time you say “no” to your desires. Whether you are aware of the painful “no moment” when it comes up, a little part of you sulks away, head and shoulders down and heart a little broken, when this occurs.

We make choices every day that inform the kind of life we live. Many of these are routine decisions that occur almost on autopilot. Sometimes autopilot keeps us from recognizing the “no moments” that accumulate over time. Every time we choose to spend another half an hour watching television, we are saying “no” to journaling, meditating, dancing, extra sleep, connecting with a friend – you name it. Decompressing with television is not problematic in itself, it is problematic when it replaces life-giving activities that allow us to actually spend time with ourselves.


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Journaling, meditating, taking a bath – these are more routine moments that may or may not live on our list. These are the “I should” self-care tasks. But there is another part of the list that I am talking about that represents a deeper rejection of ourselves. It is the “I wish” portion of our list. The list might be full of items you can plug into this sentence:

I wish I were ____________ enough to _____________.

For me, this happened recently when I was heading out for a solo beach day. I had, among other beachy items, my hula hoop in the back of my vehicle. I tossed it in, not seriously planning to use it. My list item was “I wish I were brave enough to hula hoop on the beach by myself.” On the way to the beach a combination of desire and the right song on my playlist lined up and I teared up as a realization washed over me: “I have to hula hoop on the beach today, I refuse to live my life like this.” And I did. I hula hooped until I was sweaty, sandy, and tired.

This may not seem earth shattering, but it is not really about hula hooping. It is about making fear-based decisions and living small lives because we are afraid of judgment and rejection. When we live our lives like this, for other people, there is a resentment that builds in us. We trade authentic expression of ourselves for approval from others. The thing is, that most people are not thinking about us, and anyone that would criticize you for living a full, vibrant life, is likely just mad at themselves for the length of their list.

Do yourself a favor and dump your list out on paper, then get to it! Whatever is on your list, know that you are worthy enough to dance, sing, wear that outfit, talk to that person, write that book, decorate your house that way, to say “no” to when you do not have a “yes” in you, or whatever else might be residing on your list.

Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash

Effective Therapy for Distressed Couples

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a short-term (8 – 20 sessions) and structured approach to couples’ therapy developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg in the 1980’s. It is grounded in research while focusing on negative communication patterns and love as an attachment bond.

Attachment Theory in Couples Therapy

“Attachment” between people typically provides a safe haven: a retreat from the world and a way to obtain comfort, security and a buffer against stress. Attachment also offers a secure base, allowing you to feel safe while you explore the world and learn new information. Its formation begins in childhood with a primary caretaker, such as a parent. Those early, established patterns carry through to adulthood. An “unavailable caretaker” creates distress in a baby akin to an “unavailable partner” creating distress in an adult. Attachment theory provides the emotionally-focused therapist with a “road map” to the drama of distress, emotions and needs between partners.

Grounded in Science in Couples Therapy

According to the website dedicated to EFT, www.ICEEFT.com, a substantial body of research outlining the effectiveness of this treatment exists. It is now considered one of the most (if not the most) empirically validated forms of couples therapy. Research studies have found that 70-75% of couples undergoing EFT successfully move from distress to recovery, and approximately 90% show significant improvements. This recovery is also quite stable and lasting, with little evidence of relapse back into distress.

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New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard.

EFT is being used with many different kinds of couples in private practice, university training centers, and hospital clinics. It is also quite useful with various cultural groups throughout the world. The distressed couples who may benefit from EFT include those where one or both partners suffer from depression, addiction, post traumatic stress disorders and chronic illness, among other disorders. EFT has proven to be a powerful approach for couples dealing with infidelity or other more traumatic incidents, both current and past.

Effective Therapy for Distressed Couples

Neuroscience also intersects attachment theory and EFT. More recently produced MRI studies demonstrate the significance of secure attachment. Our attachments are potent, and our brains code them as “safety.” According to an article on EFT in Social Work Today, any perceived distance or separation in our close relationships is interpreted as danger. Losing the connection to a loved one threatens our sense of security. “Primal fear” ensues, and sets off an alarm in part of our brain called the , also known as the fear center. Once the amygdala is activated, it triggers our fight-or-flight response. When incoming information is familiar, the amygdala is calm. However, as soon as the amygdala encounters threatening or unfamiliar information, it increases the brain’s anxiety level and focuses the mind’s attention on the immediate situation. People go into a self-preservation mode, often doing what they did to “survive” or cope in childhood. This is the reason we are triggered as adults in our romantic relationships, in the same repeating (and unhealthy) patterns from our formative years. EFT can help to unwind these automatic, counter-productive reactions.

Fostering Healthy Dependency in Couples Therapy

EFT provides a language for healthy dependency between partners and looks at key moves and moments that define an adult love relationship. The primary goal of the model is to expand and re-organize the emotional responses of the couple. New sequences of bonding interactions occur and replace old, negative patterns such as “pursue-withdraw” or “criticize-defend.” These new, positive cycles then become self-reinforcing and create permanent change. The relationship becomes a haven and a healing environment for both partners.

Creating a Secure Bond between Couples

The process reduces couples’ conflict while creating a more secure emotional bond. Couples learn to express deep, underlying emotions from a place of vulnerability and ask for their needs to be met. Partners begin to view undesirable behaviors (i.e., shutting down or angry escalations) as “protests of disconnection.” Couples learn to be emotionally available, empathic and engaged with each other, strengthening the attachment bond and safe haven between them.

EFT has many strengths as a therapeutic model. First, it is supported by extensive research. Second, it is collaborative and respectful of clients. It shifts blame for the couples’ problems to the negative patterns between them, instead of the couples themselves (or the partners). Finally, the change process has been mapped into a clearly defined process consisting of nine steps and three change events that help guide the therapist and track progress. If you are looking for help with a distressed relationship, an EFT trained therapist would be a wise choice.

By Marni Feuerman

Photo: Unsplash

Boca Raton Therapy
Christiane Blanco-Oilar, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Counseling Psychologist, specializing in Boca Raton Therapy. Dr. Blanco-Oilar has expertise in helping you through life transitions, grief and loss, intimacy issues, relationship difficulties – Couples Therapy Boca Raton – and in supporting your goal to achieve vibrant relationships with yourself and others. Offering therapy in Spanish.

Questioning for Clarity: Online Counseling New Jersey and Nutrition Coach Philadelphia

We have all struggled with uncertainty at one point or another in life, and you may find that the more you search for an answer, the muddier everything becomes. While using our analytical skills is important to help us weigh out the costs and benefits of various options, our analysis only takes us so far. What can you do when you have weighed all the options, and there is still no clear answer?

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Understand Your Motivation

Make a list of your options. Why are you considering these options? What started you on this journey, what led you to this point? Are you making fear-based decisions, or empowered and confident decisions? This process can help us evaluate how we move through our lives in more significant ways, but also in the ways that seem less consequential.

If we are used to moving through our day to day lives motivated by fear rather than feeling empowered, it is likely that this same pattern will be reflected in larger decisions we make. While there is nothing wrong with playing it safe, sometimes playing it safe can mean shrinking. For instance, if you fear judgement from other people, you might choose to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself to avoid feeling vulnerable. However, there are times when sharing your thoughts and feelings can lead to a greater sense of feeling connected and understood by others. By playing it safe in this way, you avoid discomfort, but you might also be avoiding opportunities for connection.

Decisions on a larger scale are trickier. With any big decision, we often are not lucky enough to have a clear answer presented to us. An example of this might be choosing to move to another city in order to have a more expansive life experience. There are obvious risks in doing this, but also potentially great rewards.

Questions you can ask yourself to explore your motivation include:

  1. What might I be running away from or avoiding if I do make this decision? If I do not?
  2. What feelings do I value in life? Why? (Examples might be feeling adventurous, feeling secure, feeling relaxed, feeling open, feeling engaged)
  3. What feelings come up for me when I consider my options?
  4. What am I afraid will happen if I do make this decision? If I do not?
  5. What am I hopeful will happen if I do make this decision? If I do not?
  6. Why do I want to make this change? Why do I not want to make this change?
  7. Is this the best time for this change? Why or why not?
  8. What will I regret if I do make this change? If I do not?

I am not encouraging anyone to throw caution to the wind and make the more empowered decision if it does not ultimately feel like the right decision. Taking time to reflect on the questions above can help you to sit with and explore your thoughts and feelings in a more intentional way, and hopefully provide you with more insight into what is driving your decision making.

Sarah Tronco, LCSW, provides online counseling in New Jersey and works to develop a strong therapeutic relationship with her clients, which helps to create a secure place where individuals can achieve meaningful change.

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Photo by Jac Alexandru on Unsplash

The Guilt of Not Working More, When We’re Done for the Day

At the end of a day of work, there can be a simple practice of wrapping things up and shutting down for the day.

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Christiane Blanco-Oilar, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Counseling Psychologist, specializing in Boca Raton Therapy. Dr. Blanco-Oilar has expertise in helping you through life transitions, grief and loss, intimacy issues, relationship difficulties – Couples Therapy Boca Raton – and in supporting your goal to achieve vibrant relationships with yourself and others. Offering therapy in Spanish.

But so many of us feel guilty at simply stopping, and this feeling that we should be doing more … it drives some of us to keep going as long as we can.

This can lead to overwork, burnout, tiredness, and never letting ourselves enjoy a moment of rest.

Do you relate to this guilt of simply stopping and resting?

The thing about this guilt is that it doesn’t have to be rational — it’s simply fear, that we’re not doing enough, that we’re not on top of things, that we’re not going to be OK if we don’t get everything done.

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I know this fear well. I still have it, on a daily basis. It’s not rational, but then fear never is.

This fear will control us if we don’t bring a kind awareness to it, and start to work with us. It will own us, and we’ll always be checking our phones, replying to messages, stuck in perpetual motion. Rest becomes difficult, joy becomes mostly inaccessible.

Here’s how I work with this guilt and fear:

  1. Recognize it when it’s happening. When it’s late in the day, and we could be wrapping things up and closing our work day … notice the urge to do more. Notice the guilt of stopping. Just bring awareness to the fear and guilt, without judging them or needing them to go away.
  2. Breathe, and feel it. Pause, take a few deep breaths, and don’t let yourself buy into the fear. Feel the physical sensation of the fear, but don’t believe it. Give yourself some kindness.
  3. Remind yourself of a bigger truth. The idea that you should be on top of everything and working harder and checking emails and messages … it feels really true in the moment. But it is very rarely true. What’s a bigger truth? That you need rest to be able to serve others. That you are allowed to do other things, to spend time with others, to take care of yourself, to feel joy at spaciousness in your life. And this is a model for how others might live too. Taking rest serves the world. Remind yourself of this truth.
  4. Then take the rest. Feel in your heart how this is worthwhile. And let yourself enjoy the space. You don’t need to fill every moment with more work, more messages, more email.

An anxiety disorder can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment. To learn more contact WellTalk. Anxiety Disorder Boulder

How To Experience More Wow

Awe might seem an unobtainable luxury to many but, with the right approach, you can enjoy it daily – no mountain required.

On a crisp, clear day in January about four years ago, my children and I joined a few thousand Rhode Islanders in a protest march against a recent change in law that restricted the number of refugees who could enter the United States. As I held the hand of my four-year-old son, I was overcome with emotion. ‘No hate, no fear, refugees are welcome here,’ the crowd chanted as we marched through the streets, my six-year-old daughter joining in stone-faced. With a tightness in my chest and tears in my eyes, I could barely join along without choking up.

At the time, I didn’t have a word to describe exactly what it was that I was feeling, but now I do: awe.

Since the march, I had a spell working as a research and writing fellow at the Greater Good Science Center based at the University of California, Berkeley, which gave me the opportunity and privilege to delve into the burgeoning science of this emotion. The more I learned about it, the more I came to believe that it’s worth recognising awe and trying to cultivate it in our lives.

For centuries, mystics, religious scholars, philosophers and artists have had differing understandings of what the word ‘awe’ means. It originally connoted fear and dread toward divine beings, but now has a more general meaning encompassing a wide variety of experiences. ‘I define it as the feeling of being in the presence of something vast and mysterious that you don’t understand with your current knowledge,’ says Dacher Keltner, the founder and a faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center, and a leading researcher into the psychology of awe.

Couples Therapy Tribeca

New York City Therapist Carolyn Ehrlich focuses on learning how we share space with each other. In therapy, both parties are given the opportunity to speak, guided by a therapist. And most importantly, both will be heard.

A landmark new scientific conceptualisation of awe by Keltner and his fellow psychologist Jonathan Haidt was published in 2003, based on what had been written about it from the fields of religion, philosophy, sociology and psychology. They proposed that, as varied as awe experiences can be, they all share two features: ‘perceived vastness’ and a ‘need for accommodation’.

According to this framework, while the perceived vastness of dramatic vistas such as canyons and mountains can provoke strong feelings of awe, this aspect of the emotion isn’t limited to literal size. Rather, it encompasses ‘anything that is experienced as being much larger than the self, or the self’s ordinary level of experience’, such as I felt on the Rhode Island march, but other related triggers might be extreme ‘social size’ (fame, prestige or authority), conceptual complexity and even outstanding moral goodness.

The other component of awe, ‘need for accommodation’, refers to the way the emotion forces us to change our understanding of the world. Awe can seem mind-bending in part because it is; it forces us to adjust our mental structures to assimilate new information (recent research scanning people’s brains while they experience awe suggests that this effect manifests at a neural level in decreased activity in the left middle temporal gyrus, a brain area that’s known to be involved Couples Therapy Tribeca in adjusting one’s previous schemas and understandings in light of new events and experiences).

Awe isn’t always experienced as a purely positive emotion. In around a quarter of awe experiences, people also report feeling a layer of fear. Imagine the mix of awe and alarm you might feel if you stumbled upon a grizzly bear on a hike, were stuck in a thunderstorm, or contemplated going to Hell. Early evidence suggests that this kind of threat-based awe might be more prominent outside the Western European and North American populations that have been the source of many awe studies. ‘You find more threat-based awe in hierarchical cultures,’ says Keltner. That said, his work has found that, at least in the Western world, most awe experiences are positive and have positive effects. ‘A quarter of the experiences are threat-based but three-quarters are really about exploration and connection, and have a lot of delight in them,’ says Keltner.

There’s a lot we can gain from those more delightful awe experiences. In the past nearly two decades of research on awe, dozens of studies have unearthed benefits associated with the emotion. ‘On all the major checkboxes of what’s good for you, it does a pretty good job,’ says Keltner.

For starters, there appears to be a connection between experiencing awe and better physical health. In a recent study, Jennifer Stellar, a psychologist at the University of Toronto, found that awe was one of the positive emotions most strongly associated with having lower levels of proinflammatory cytokines – protective proteins that are released when you get injured or ill, but which can have negative effects on health when they’re chronically elevated, including raising the risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and depression.

In terms of awe’s psychological benefits, there’s even more compelling evidence, with research linking greater experience of the emotion to more life satisfaction, increased humility, better mood, dampened feelings of materialism, and greater scepticism toward weak arguments.

Awe can make us better social beings, too. In multiple studies, participants who have been asked to write about an awe experience or who experienced awe in an experiment displayed more generous and cooperative behaviour than people who were induced to feel other emotions.

Besides boosting life satisfaction and making you a kinder person, awe experiences often just feel good – and important. ‘People report it being a very profound experience to have awe,’ says Stellar. ‘It also makes people see the world in a different way, and I think that’s valuable in its own right.’

Awe might feel profound in part because it encompasses a number of transcendent phenomena. It can change our perception of time, making it seem more plentiful and expansive, allowing us to savour the here and now. During awe, people also report feeling less significant and smaller relative to their environment – a positive effect that researchers term ‘the small self’.

‘When people feel shame, they feel very small, but they also feel very aware of themselves, which is different than awe where they feel small but not so aware of themselves,’ says Stellar. ‘[Awe] seems to be this very interesting situation where you can feel self-diminishment, but it’s a good and exhilarating feeling.’ At a neural level, brain imaging research suggests that this is reflected in reduced activity in the ‘default mode network’, a network of brain regions that are particularly active when our minds are wandering or we’re thinking about ourselves (similar neural effects are observed during meditation, states of flow and psychedelic trips).

While awe makes us less focused on ourselves, evidence suggests it also makes us feel more connected to other people, more a part of a greater whole and something larger than ourselves. In this way, it creates a bridge between what Keltner calls the ‘default self’ – our drive to do well, meet our goals, protect ourselves, rise in status – and our desire, and indeed need, to be part of society and help others. ‘I’ve got to protect myself, but I’ve got to serve the collective – that’s one of the great tensions in identity and in our evolution,’ says Keltner.

While we can imagine how, in the wrong hands, this bridge can be used as a force for manipulation – think of a charismatic cult leader or suicide bomber – the transformative effects of awe can also be powerfully positive. ‘[I]t seems to be this really important emotion for when we’re confronting things that might be scary and bigger than us and hard to understand, but it’s the positive side of that,’ says Stellar. ‘It’s so embedded into humanity’s goal of trying to understand the world better and really taking on that challenge and those scary, unfamiliar parts, rather than shying away from it.’

All that being said, some of us are clearly more awe-prone than others. Modern life can also make awe feel inaccessible. If your life is packed full of work stress, domestic demands and commercialised spaces, you might feel that experiencing awe in your day-to-day existence is a challenge – or even an unobtainable luxury. I know I’ve felt that way, especially in the middle of a global pandemic when I’ve rarely left my suburban home and found myself in a loop of repetitive routines. Fortunately, there’s research suggesting that we don’t need to step out of our everyday lives to experience more awe, and in this Guide I’m going to show you how.

What to do

To foster more awe in your life, Keltner recommends exploring the ‘eight wonders of life’. Before I share these wonders with you, here are a few broad considerations that might make it more likely that you’ll have an awe experience:

*If possible, limit distractions. Complete the task that has been nagging you. Turn off notifications on your phone (or leave it in another room or at home). Ask your partner, roommate and/or children for some space.

*Treat your awe experience like a contemplative exercise. Begin with some deep breathing, and pay attention to the sound and feeling of your breath as you inhale and exhale.

*Turn your attention outward and be open to inspiration. Notice what catches your mind. Do some of your senses seem heightened? Do you feel goosebumps? Do you feel more curious? Delighted?

*Don’t worry if you’re not feeling awe. Awe is different for everyone, and some days you might just not be feeling it.

The nice thing is, once you start thinking about awe, you might begin to notice all the places it shows up in your everyday life. In other words, you might naturally experience awe more often as you start to pay attention to it, similar to how people often feel more gratitude once they begin a gratitude journal. Of course, not all awe experiences will move you to tears or make you feel at one with the Universe. Just as with other emotions, awe comes in a range of intensities – from the gentle awe you might experience on a walk through the woods to the life-changing awe you might experience at the birth of your child.

Some places I believe I’ve experienced awe include concerts, sporting arenas, movie theatres, the Badlands National Park, the Pacific Coast, in my previous life as a neuroscientist, and as a parent. ‘In our studies around the world, people are feeling it two or three times a week,’ says Keltner. ‘I think you can get a little dose every day.’

Now to Keltner’s Eight Wonders of Life – eight ways to seek out more awe:

1. Witness other people’s moral beauty and courage

The first wonder of life, according to Keltner, is other people’s moral beauty and courage. It’s easy to become awestruck by stories of courageous people such as Harriet Tubman, Martin Luther King, Jr or Greta Thunberg. Similarly, Stellar notes that movements for social change, such as Black Lives Matter and March for Our Lives, can be awe-inspiring for people. Generally speaking, Keltner thinks that we tend to discount the extent to which other people are important for awe. ‘We often think of awe as spiritual or natural – and that’s part of it – but the bigger story is it’s about our fellow human beings… We find that 50 to 60 per cent of awe experiences are just like you’re blown away by other people,’ he says. People can also feel awe when observing someone with incredible skill or talent or unique abilities (think Michael Jordan or a contortionist).

2. Move in unison with others

From ceremonial dances to army marches to tapping your toes in rhythm with a friend, humans have a natural proclivity for synchronised movement. Several studies have found that people are more cooperative and generous after moving in unison with others, and that they feel more bonded to their movement partners. Moving together appears to help strengthen social ties and, says Keltner, it can also elicit awe. To test out this wonder, try participating in a form of shared movement such as dance, exercise, playing music, singing in a choir, cheering on a sports team or even walking with a friend.

3. Get out in nature

Importantly, you don’t need to visit the Grand Canyon or the Great Barrier Reef to get a dose of awe from nature. ‘It can just be a walk through a forest that’s near your house,’ says Stellar. To get more awe out of an everyday hike, Keltner recommends taking time to deepen your thinking about the experience. ‘Start to look for patterns in nature, take a moment to think about what’s vast,’ he says. You might consider making a habit of going for ‘awe walks’. In a recent study, Keltner and his colleagues found that older adults assigned to take weekly 15-minute awe walks reported greater increases in positive emotions and decreases in distress in their day-to-day lives than did those assigned to a control walk condition. The Greater Good Science Center offers step-by-step instructions for getting the most out of an awe walk, including how to breathe and shift your awareness to what’s around you.

4. Listen to or create music

Listening to a symphony, singing in a choir, or playing an instrument can produce feelings of awe. If you’ve ever had goosebumps or what people call ‘the chills’ while listening to a particularly moving song, you were likely also experiencing awe. While listening to any form of music has the potential to elicit awe, songs that are exceptionally beautiful or complex are more likely to produce the emotion. Making music with others – be it in a choir, band or orchestra – might also increase the likelihood of awe because those activities have the added benefit of involving synchronised movement.

5. Take in visual art or film

Visits to art galleries and museums (in person or online), public art and sculpture, and movies with stunning visual elements can all provoke awe. Stellar, who lives in Toronto, says she normally seeks out awe in the city by going to museums and galleries. Visuals that might be more likely to evoke awe are those that are very large – such as Michelangelo’s David or the Taj Mahal – or very detailed, intricate or complex, such as a fractal or an exceptionally lifelike painting. Even the most common elements can produce awe when presented in a unique way. In one study, viewers experienced awe when they watched a slow-motion video of drops of coloured water falling into a bowl of milk.

6. Seek out a spiritual or religious experience

For people of faith, religious gatherings, ritual and prayer can be profound sources of awe. Meditation, Stellar notes, can also inspire awe for some. Even recalling a past spiritual or religious experience can evoke feelings of awe. In a 2017 study, participants who wrote about spiritual experiences reported higher levels of awe and a greater sense of ‘a small self’ than did control participants who wrote about humorous experiences. Both religious and non-religious participants experienced these effects despite recalling different types of memories. Religious people recalled more religious events as well as life-and-death events, whereas non-religious people were more likely to recall experiences with nature, science, yoga or meditation. The message here is that the types of experiences that you personally deem spiritually meaningful are the ones most likely to result in awe.

7. Consider a big idea

‘It gets kind of metaphysical,’ says Keltner. ‘Big ideas give people awe – like Marxism, free markets, evolution.’ You might have already had an experience in school or while reading that filled you with awe. The process of wrapping your mind around a new concept is cognitive accommodation, a key competent of awe. So if you take the time to grapple with a new, big idea for you – say quantum physics – that could bring more awe into your life. Similarly, Keltner says poetry that at first glance can seem difficult to comprehend can evoke awe when the reader discovers what the poem is about.

Another related way to add more awe to your life is to deepen your contemplation and curiosity about the world by posing questions or puzzles to yourself – to turn everyday experiences into a way to think about big ideas. For example, Keltner recommends thinking about clouds and how they work – or waves, or rainbows. This is a way to transform simple wonder into awe and discovery. He points out that the obsessions René Descartes and Isaac Newton had with rainbows led them to figure out the physics of light.

I’ve found that parenting can be a fountain of inspiration for this type of awe, both because I experience awe secondhand when my children understand something for the first time, and because human development (such as witnessing children learn to talk, read and do mathematics) is awe-inspiring.

8. Witnessing life and death

For parents, the miracle of pregnancy or birth can create feelings of awe. Contemplating or witnessing death, too, is often tinged with awe, although confronting this aspect of awe can be psychologically difficult. While you might not want to go out of your way to cultivate these experiences in your personal life for the sake of awe, life and death are prominent themes in many memoirs, novels and other forms of art.

Hopefully, one thing that comes across from Keltner’s Eight Wonders of Life is that awe can be found in many corners of our everyday lives. ‘We talk about it as if it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but in fact it’s everywhere,’ says Keltner. That said, research suggests that some people – whether by personality and/or life circumstance – are more naturally prone to experiencing awe. If you’ve tried some of these activities and haven’t experienced awe, don’t despair. Keep seeking out new experiences that interest and excite you. Who knows? You might just discover a ninth wonder.

‘My big advice is that some people aren’t that into music or nature or whatever, but everybody can find something that makes them feel awe,’ says Stellar. ‘Awe is an amazing emotion and there are so many different ways people can experience it. Find that thing that does it for you and keep doing that.’

A note about psychedelics

An elephant in this awe-filled room is psychedelic use. According to Keltner, there is some theorising that the psychedelic experience is essentially the experience of awe. In a 2018 article, Peter Hendricks, a clinical psychologist at the University of Alabama at Birmingham, lays out the case for how ‘mystical experiences elicited by classic psychedelics appear to exemplify awe’.

Indeed, people who use psychedelics report feeling a sense of connectedness with humanity and oneness with the Universe, as well as a changing awareness of the self. In the scientific study of psychedelics, this is known as ‘ego dissolution’, which could be conceptualised as an extreme example of the small-self phenomenon common in awe experiences. Intriguingly, Hendricks also proposes that awe might be the mechanism that underlies the positive effects caused by psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy. While I can’t personally attest to or vouch for or against psychedelic use, this branch of awe research will likely continue to develop as a growing number of municipalities in the US – and the entire state of Oregon – have decriminalised use of the hallucinogen psilocybin. If you’d like to explore further, a previous Psyche Guide covered the basics of how to have a safe psychedelic trip.

Couples Therapy Tribeca Key points

*Awe is a complex emotion that tends to arise when you’re in the presence of something vast that you don’t already understand. It heightens your sense of time, makes everyday concerns fall from view, shifts your perspective, and makes you feel more connected with the world and part of a greater whole.

*Awe is usually, but not always, perceived as positive, and experiencing it more often is associated with a range of physical and psychological benefits including reduced inflammation, greater life satisfaction and humility.

*The vastness that provokes awe doesn’t necessarily have to mean physical size. Any type of stimulus that goes beyond your ordinary experience of the world could qualify, including objects or concepts that are especially complex or people who are exceptionally famous, prestigious or morally good.

*Awe is more common than you might think. People experience awe on average 2.5 times a week. You don’t need to summit a mountain to experience awe. It can be found in your own backyard, in a book or on the internet.

*Adopting the right mindset can increase your chances of experiencing awe, including deepening your breathing and turning your attention outward.

*Look to Keltner’s Eight Wonders of Life for experiences that can make you feel awe: moral beauty and courage, moving with others, nature, music, visual art and film, spiritual and religious experiences, big ideas, life and death.

*Awe experiences are different for everyone. What elicits awe in one person might not have the same effect on you. It’s worth trying a variety of experiences.

Learn more

Our notions about awe – what the emotion is like and what experiences are likely to inspire it – have changed over time. Nowadays, awe has mostly positive connotations, particularly in the Western world, but this wasn’t always the case. Even today, the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines awe as: 1) ‘an emotion variously combining dread, veneration, and wonder that is inspired by authority or by the sacred or sublime’, and 2) ‘[archaic] a: dread, terror; b: the power to inspire dread’.

To chart the meaning of awe over the centuries, Stellar teamed up with a linguist in her university’s computer science department to analyse how the usage of the word ‘awe’ has changed over time in Google’s corpus of texts. ‘There is evidence that it has changed to become more positive,’ says Stellar. ‘It looks like the time period in which it’s changing has to do with transcendentalism and Romanticism as philosophical movements that prioritise beauty in nature and spirituality.’ In other words, rather than being tied to scary gods and fearful experiences, awe began to be tied to beauty in nature, art and music.

This change in the cultural meaning of awe might mirror the changing relationship between people and nature. The American environmental historian William Cronon articulates this change in his essay ‘The Trouble with Wilderness; or, Getting Back to the Wrong Nature’ (1995):

Go back 250 years in American and European history, and you do not find nearly so many people wandering around remote corners of the planet looking for what today we would call ‘the wilderness experience’.

Whereas people today seek solace and awe on mountains and in canyons, this would probably have seemed strange to people in the 18th century or earlier, at which time Cronon says we were much more likely to associate being in wilderness with ‘bewilderment’ or ‘terror’ (and thus closer to the historic darker notions of awe).

One need only look at the Bible, says Cronon, in which the wilderness was a place where people found themselves in ‘moral confusion and despair’ – where Moses wandered for 40 years, and Christ struggled with the Devil, and where Adam and Eve were ousted to from Eden. ‘Wilderness, in short, was a place to which one came only against one’s will, and always in fear and trembling,’ writes Cronon.

This began to change with the spread of Romanticism. The Romantics had the idea that it is in sublime landscapes that people are most likely to experience the sacred and, in Cronon’s words, ‘glimpse the face of God’. Cronon adds: ‘He [God] would most often be found in those vast, powerful landscapes where one could not help feeling insignificant and being reminded of one’s own mortality … God was in the mountaintop, in the chasm, in the waterfall, in the thundercloud, in the rainbow, in the sunset.’

It’s true that early Romantic writers found these kind of nature experiences terrifying. Consider a poem by William Wordsworth about his visit to the Alps where his encounter with the divine evoked a decidedly terror-tinged sense of awe, with ‘Winds thwarting winds bewildered and forlorn’. But a century later, there are signs of this fearful attitude changing. Here’s the Scottish-American naturalist John Muir in 1911 describing Yosemite’s North Dome:

No pain here, no dull empty hours, no fear of the past, no fear of the future. These blessed mountains are so compactly filled with God’s beauty, no petty personal hope or experience has room to be. Drinking this champagne water is pure pleasure, so is breathing the living air, and every movement of limbs is pleasure, while the body seems to feel beauty when exposed to it as it feels the campfire or sunshine, entering not by the eyes alone, but equally through all one’s flesh like radiant heat, making a passionate ecstatic pleasure glow not explainable.

It’s clear that Muir is describing an awe experience here, complete with a changing perspective of time and diminishment of the self, in tune with the contemporary psychological definition of the emotion. This broader cultural shift also meant that by the late 1800s people were beginning to seek out experiences in nature. Natural sites in the US, such as Niagara Falls, the Catskills, Yosemite and Yellowstone, started to become tourist destinations. Wilderness was no longer a place to avoid out of terror or temptation, but rather a place to seek out beauty, the sacred, wonder and awe.

‘The Romantic legacy means that wilderness is more a state of mind than a fact of nature, and the state of mind that today most defines wilderness is wonder,’ writes Cronon in his 1995 essay, although he could just as easily have defined it as awe, wonder’s more magnificent cousin. ‘The striking power of the wild is that wonder in the face of it requires no act of will, but forces itself upon us – as an expression of the nonhuman world experienced through the lens of our cultural history – as proof that ours is not the only presence in the Universe.’

Links & books

My 2018 white paper for the Greater Good Science Center delves into dozens of studies about the science of awe. It includes a discussion about how to define awe, who is most (and least) likely to experience awe, why a feeling such as awe might have evolved, what experiences tend to elicit awe, and what’s known about the physical and psychological effects of awe.

The psychologist and awe researcher Dacher Keltner recommends checking out the Greater Good Science Center’s series of step-by-step awe exercises and this guided awe walk meditation through Muir Woods in California that he did for Mindful.org.

Keltner also recommends Alan Cowen’s Mapping Emotion website. By exploring these maps, you can see what sounds, videos and facial expressions correspond to awe and other emotions. In particular, he recommends the ‘Emotional Experiences Evoked by Video’ map that shows which emotions were most commonly evoked by 2,185 different short video segments. A research study about these findings was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The psychologist and awe researcher Jennifer Stellar recommends watching clips from the BBC Earth channel on YouTube, attending virtual or in-person concerts by a symphony orchestra, or visiting a photography exhibit hosted by a museum.

The ultimate awe experience might come from seeing Earth from space. A 2016 paper by the psychologist David Yaden includes several quotes from astronauts discussing this experience, sometimes called the ‘overview effect’. While most of us will never be able to truly experience this first-hand, you can still get a dose of awe from viewing the International Space Station’s live feed of Earth. In a similar vein, I use Chrome’s Earth View from Google Earth browser extension, which displays an image from across the globe each time I open a new tab.

Yaden founded the Varieties Corpus, a website where people can share and learn about self-transcendent and awe-inspiring experiences.

Perhaps surprising to some, Couples Therapy Tribeca social media can be a great place to encounter strange moments of awe. Some recent awe-inspiring posts I’ve seen on Twitter include a giant xylophone in the woods of Japan that plays Bach and a video of the surface of Venus.

Books that touch on personal awe experiences include Mountains of the Mind: Adventures in Reaching the Summit (2004) by Robert Macfarlane, A Private History of Awe (2006) by Scott Russell Sanders, and How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence (2018) by Michael Pollan.

Summer Allenis a freelance science writer and former neuroscientist. She served as a research and writing fellow for the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. Her work has appeared in The Washington Post, Mindful magazine, and other outlets. She lives in Portland, Oregon.

Photo: Pexels

Active Listening – Online Counseling New Jersey

When communicating in counseling

It can be easy to focus more on what we are saying than how we are listening. If we are not truly hearing what someone is saying to us, then communication is not successful and misunderstandings occur.

While listening may seem straight forward, there are many ways to practice poor listening skills that you may not recognize are barriers to really understanding someone. Some examples of poor listening habits include when you are distracted while someone is speaking, planning your response in your head before someone finishes what they are saying, or responding judgmentally to what someone has shared. Being mindful of the lens you view the world through can increase your awareness of any bias informing how you interpret and respond to information.

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If you have had poor listening habits, no need to worry. Active listening is a skill you can build with practice and commitment. Here are some tips on how to practice active listening2:

  1. Be aware of your nonverbal cues. Even when we aren’t verbally contributing to a conversation, we are contributing through our body language or subtle sounds we might make to indicate our engagement.
  2. As I mentioned above, judgment gets in the way of understanding someone. When you want to make someone feel heard, drop the judgment and know that you do not need to take a stance by agreeing or disagreeing with what’s being said.
  3. Focus on the present moment by devoting your attention to the speaker rather than distractions. It’s easy to get lost in thought if we aren’t making an effort to be present. There is so much information we can absorb when we are really hearing someone, such as changes in their tone of voice or body language.
  4. Reflect back what you are hearing to make sure you are understanding. This shows someone that you are following what they are saying, and if you reflect back inaccurately, it provides an opportunity for clarification.
  5. Dive deeper by asking questions about their experience. This shows that you have not only been following what someone is saying, but that you are interested in learning more about their perspective.

There are many reasons to cultivate active listening skills. It will likely improve your relationships and it will help you understand others. Active listening has been found to be significantly associated with empathy.2

Sarah Tronco, LCSW, provides online counseling in New Jersey and works to develop a strong therapeutic relationship with her clients, which helps to create a secure place where individuals can achieve meaningful change.

Sarah Tronco, LCSW, now also provides online counseling in Pennsylvania, contact her to learn more.

References:

  1. https://positivepsychology.com/active-listening/
  2. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352900816300231
  3. Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash

Menstrual Cycle and Mood

The menstrual cycle is composed of four different phases, which vary in duration from woman to woman, and may fluctuate in length. The phases are menstrual, follicular, ovulation, and luteal. While the length of a menstrual cycle varies from woman to woman, many experience a cycle that lasts 28 days. During the fluctuations of a cycle, key hormones – testosterone, progesterone, and estrogen –  increase and decrease in a pattern that influences how we feel.

Nutrition Coach Philadelphia
Sarah Tronco, CMHIMP, is a 
Philadelphia Nutrition Coach specializing in mental nutrition. Sarah offers individualized mental health nutrition coaching that empowers you to make sustainable changes to improve your overall well-being.

Menstrual Phase

The beginning of your menstrual phase happens when your period arrives and, on average, spans five days. The uterus is shedding its lining through the vagina during this time.  This marks the lowest level of estrogen during our cycle. You may be feeling more solitary at the beginning of this phase. As estrogen increases during this week, often we experience increases in energy, improved mood, and more of a desire to be around others.

Follicular Phase (aka the Proliferative Phase)

The follicular phase overlaps with the menstrual phase, since it begins at the start of your period and spans until ovulation. The purpose of this stage is to prepare an egg to be released, which it does by producing follicle stimulating hormone, or FSH. FSH sends a message to the ovaries letting them know to ready an egg to be released from the ovary, known as ovulation. Fluid filled sacs called follicles are contained in the ovaries, and the largest, dominant follicle produces estrogen during growth and is released during ovulation. The average length of the follicular phase is 10-22 days.1 This stage is also known at the proliferative phase because increasing estrogen levels result in the proliferation of the endometrial lining of the uterus.2 Your mood may feel more calm as estrogen has continued to increase during this stage of your cycle.

Ovulation

Beginning around two weeks into your menstrual cycle, luteinizing hormone levels increase due to high levels of estrogen and cause ovulation when the dominant follicle bursts and releases a mature egg into a fallopian tube.3 The phase generally takes place about 14 days before the beginning of the next menstrual phase. Estrogen and testosterone are highest at this point in your cycle, which cause you to feel more aroused as your body tries to get pregnant.

Luteal Phase

The fourth and final stage of your menstrual cycle is the luteal phase, which spans the latter half of your menstrual cycle and lasts approximately 14 days. During this time, the released egg is making its way through the fallopian tubes toward the uterus. You experience a spike in progesterone and estrogen during this phase. Pregnancy will occur if your egg is fertilized by a sperm. However, if this doesn’t happen, then estrogen and progesterone decrease and your body sheds the endometrial lining of your uterus during your next period. During this stage, you may feel increasingly more lethargic or have difficulty focusing. Some women experience negative mood symptoms, such as sadness or irritability. During the luteal phase, you experience a drop in serotonin, which may contribute to feeling of sadness prior to menstruation.4

Nutrition Coach Philadelphia Sarah Tronco, CMHIMP, is a Philadelphia Nutrition Coach specializing in mental nutrition. Sarah offers individualized mental health nutrition coaching that empowers you to make sustainable changes to improve your overall well-being.

 

 

References:

  1. https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/the-menstrual-cycle-more-than-just-the-period
  2. https://progyny.com/education/fertility-101/follicular-phase/
  3. https://www.verywellhealth.com/the-menstrual-cycle-3520919
  4. https://www.blackmores.com.au/womens-health/how-your-menstrual-cycle-affects-your-mood
  5. Photo by Andrés Gómez on Unsplash

Cortisol, Stress, and Overall Nutritional Health

Cortisol is our body’s primary stress hormone. Our levels of cortisol fluctuate throughout the day, with morning typically being when we have our highest levels of cortisol with a decrease throughout the rest of the day. The changes in our cortisol levels throughout the day is known as diurnal cortisol slopes.1

What is the function of cortisol in the body?

In the context of mental health, we often associate cortisol with stress, however, it plays a role in many essential bodily processes, such as our immune response, regulating blood sugar, metabolism, and decreasing inflammation. Cortisol belongs to a group of steroid hormones, known as the glucocorticoids, and is produced from the two adrenal glands found on top of each kidney.2 Throughout your body, almost every cell has cortisol receptors, so cortisol’s function varies depending on the type of cell receiving it.3

Nutrition Coach Philadelphia
Sarah Tronco, CMHIMP, is a 
Philadelphia Nutrition Coach specializing in mental nutrition. Sarah offers individualized mental health nutrition coaching that empowers you to make sustainable changes to improve your overall well-being.

When cortisol levels are too high…

When we face a stressful situation, our body experiences a hormonal response, including the release of cortisol in the body. The function of cortisol release is to help the body prepare for fight or flight response (check out my post Soothing the Stressed Amygdala). However, when our lives are full of stressors that don’t necessarily warrant a fight or flight reaction, the frequent release of cortisol can cause issues over time, including gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, immune system suppression, fertility issues, weight gain and obesity, and blood sugar imbalance and diabetes.2

Managing stress

Certain lifestyle changes, such as incorporating meditation, having a social support network, and exercising, are important for managing stress levels. Being mindful about food choices is another essential tool for caring for yourself, reducing stress, and regulating cortisol. For instance, making sure you are hydrated, choosing black or green tea instead of other caffeinated beverages, incorporating probiotics and prebiotics, dark chocolate, and avoiding excess sugar are all ways to support a healthy stress response.4

Nutrition Coach Philadelphia Sarah Tronco, CMHIMP, is a Philadelphia Nutrition Coach specializing in mental nutrition. Sarah offers individualized mental health nutrition coaching that empowers you to make sustainable changes to improve your overall well-being.

References:

  1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5568897/
  2. https://www.todaysdietitian.com/newarchives/111609p38.shtml
  3. https://www.yourhormones.info/hormones/cortisol/
  4. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/ways-to-lower-cortisol#TOC_TITLE_HDR_13
  5. Photo by Marcus Dall Col on Unsplash

Staying at the Edge of Uncertainty & Anxiety

When we get into a situation that feels uncertain, most of us will immediately try to get to a place of certainty.

Instead of writing a blog post, I’ll find myself wanting to check emails or my favorite websites.

Instead of having a difficult conversation, we’ll stay in a crappy situation for longer than we need to.

Instead of putting our art out into the world, we’ll hide it in the safety of obscurity.

When things feel chaotic and overwhelming, we look for a system that will feel ordered and simple.

All of us do this in most areas of our lives. Sometimes, we are able to voluntarily stay in uncertainty, but those times are relatively rare, and usually we don’t like it so much.

Here’s the thing: the edge of uncertainty and chaos is where we learn, grow, create, lead, make incredible art and new inventions.

The edge of uncertainty is where we explore, go on adventures, get curious, and reinvent ourselves.

The edge of uncertainty is where we can find unexpected beauty, love, intimacy, vulnerability, meaning.

Everything we truly crave is at the edge of uncertainty, but we run from it.

The trick is to stay in it.

An anxiety disorder can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment boulder. To learn more contact WellTalk. Anxiety Disorder Boulder.

The Edge of Anxiety, Not Deep in the Pit

I say the “edge of uncertainty” because most of us are unprepared to be fully in uncertainty without some kind of ground under our feet. We need some certainty, some safety. Without it, we feel like we’re spinning out of control.

When our lives become untethered, we need some kind of ground to stand on. When we’re lost in depression or trauma, we need to feel the ground of our basic goodness, of knowing that there are others here with us.

So I don’t recommend letting go of all certainty. Let your life be mostly stable.

But once you have a little stability, let yourself get to the edge of uncertainty.

It’s the place where you’re learning, but not completely lost. Where you are exploring, but not freefalling. Where you’re creating something new, but not without some grasp of what came before you.

Stay at the edge, and then let yourself rest in some kind of comfort. Go to the edge, then come back and take a breather.

How to Train at the Edge

If you’d like to get good at staying in uncertainty, I highly recommend daily training.

And no, it’s not enough to say, “My life is all uncertainty, I’m already doing it!” I mean, that’s probably true, but it’s not deliberate practice. It’s what’s happening to you, but you’re not deliberately training to stay at your edge.

So I recommend daily deliberate practice:

  1. Set aside a time. It’s not usually helpful to say that you’ll do it sometime. You already have enough of those things in your life, adding one more won’t be helpful. So pick a time and set multiple reminders.
  2. Pick something you’re avoiding or feel overwhelmed/afraid of. Writing that book or report, marketing, giving honest feedback, dealing with new technology, making calls, recording videos, etc. It should make you feel somewhere around a 7 out of 10 resistance. Have a good reason to do this task, not just because it’s hard. Are you doing it for something meaningful to you? For someone you care about?
  3. Do it for a short time. Just 10 minutes is fine, or 15. Work up to 30 minutes a day. You just need to stay there a little while, not forever.
  4. Learn to embrace the uncertainty. Notice how you feel like doing something else. Let yourself feel the uncertainty, as a physical sensation in your body. Let yourself stay there, but bring curiosity instead of complaint to the uncertainty. See if there can be any kind of openness, gratitude, even joy in the middle of the uncertainty.
  5. Be kind to yourself. Notice if you’re beating yourself up about not doing more or doing better, and let go of some of that. Be kind. If you’re trying to force yourself to do something you hate, give yourself encouragement. Cultivate a friendly attitude toward yourself in this training.

It also helps to have accountability, or to do it with others (on a video call, for example).

An anxiety disorder can interfere with your everyday life including work, school, and relationships. There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and phobia-related disorders. There are several types of anxiety treatment boulder. To learn more contact WellTalk. Anxiety Disorder Boulder.

12 Ideas for Establishing a Calming Routine

One of the most rewarding changes in your life can be finding peace with a morning routine.

I’ve made it a habit to wake before most of the world, at about 4:30 a.m., and just enjoy the quiet and solitude.

It has made all the difference in the world.

I sit quietly with a cup of coffee, and enjoy the silence. I go for a morning run, which relieves stress and is perfect for contemplation. I use the quiet time before my family awakes to write something each morning. I read, as a good novel is one of my favorite companions.

Now, not everyone is a morning person, of course. But that doesn’t mean you can’t create your own routine, one that incorporates something that gives you solitude, quiet, or stress release. While morning is an ideal time for such a routine, other ideal times are after work and before bed — and really, any time that works for you is good.

I recommend that if you haven’t yet, you create your own calming routine.

Give it a couple of weeks to become a habit, focusing on doing it every day, and soon, you will not want to miss it.

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Do you feel down? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy? Are you critical and judgmental towards yourself? We can help you find the Inner Path that can lead you out of your depression.

Here are just a few ideas to get you started:

  1. Morning coffee. If you’re not a coffee person, tea or cocoa work great as well. Sit and enjoy the silence as you wake up, and even better, watch the sun rise. It’s the perfect way to greet the day.
  2. Exercise. I like to go on an easy run. It relieves stress, and gives me time to myself to think, and enjoy nature. Evening runs are great too, especially as the sun goes down. If you’re not into running, walking, cycling, swimming, or really any exercise works well. Just take it easy in the beginning, and try to do a little every day. Don’t overdo it.
  3. Meditation or yoga. I haven’t been meditating on a regular basis, but when I do, it’s so calming, and so centering. You don’t need to do anything formal — simply focusing on your breathing, as it goes in and out, is a good meditation. While I’ve never been into yoga, I know a lot of people who swear by it, and I would recommend you give it a try if it sounds appealing to you.
  4. Gratitude session. This is one of my favorite rituals: every day, take a couple of minutes to think about everything and everybody you are grateful for in your life. This may sound corny, but it is an amazing ritual. Try it right now — it only takes a minute. Who are you grateful for? What are you grateful for? I’ve found that this little ritual has so much power that it makes me happier and more compassionate. Btw, every time I do it, I thank the people who donated and helped me become a giant step closer to my dream (that’s you guys!).
  5. Goal mantra. This is another one of my absolute favorites. I got the idea from Guy Kawasaki, who tells us that corporate mission statements are basically useless, and recommends you create a corporate mantra instead of three or four words (tops). So instead of creating a corporate mantra, I created a personal mantra to remind myself of why I do everything I’ve been doing this year (with the blog, all my writing, and some new projects that are coming up, including an e-book). Here it is: Liberate Yourself. And I just make sure to repeat this mantra at least once a day (if not several times). It helps me stay focused. I suggest you do the same for your personal mission.
  6. Evening review. I think this would be an especially fruitful routine for anyone. Basically, it’s a routine that Ben Franklin did himself: he would spend some time at the end of each day to review how he did with his goal, and reflect on how his day went. It only needs to take a few minutes, but just go over your day, think about your goal (your mantra), what you did to further that goal, what you did right and what you did wrong today, what you can improve, what you need to do in the future. If you want to journal this, it would be even better!
  7. Bath time. My home doesn’t have a bath tub, but I truly cherish a long hot bath. If you have the time to do this, it can be extremely relaxing.
  8. After work unwinding. Long day at work? Stressed out? Take 30 minutes to unwind. Some great ideas for that: a 20-30 minute nap, snuggling with your kids, deep breathing, stretching, self-massage, or really anything that relaxes you.
  9. Pre-bed ritual. Another ideal time for a calming routine is just before you go to bed. You can do any of the calming things mentioned in the other items, or just develop a routine: get clothes ready, get lunches ready, clean up, brush teeth, decide on your three Most Important Tasks (MITs) for tomorrow, etc.
  10. Journaling or writing. A morning writing ritual is a good thing, but you can do a writing ritual at any time that works for you. Or instead of writing, try journaling. It can be very productive and relaxing.
  11. Conversation. Try this: every night for an hour, just sit and talk to your spouse. Share the highlights and lowlights of your day, talk about your goals, your finances, your relationship, movies, music, books. This can, of course, be adapted for conversation with your children.
  12. Reading time. Ah, one of my favorites. Take time each day to spend with a good book. Or a trashy novel. It doesn’t matter. I actually like to take time in the morning and evening, but whatever time is convenient for you will work.

How to Do the Thing You’re Avoiding

Most of us have something on our task list we’re avoiding or a project we’ve been putting off.

Think for a moment: what’s the task or project you’ve been avoiding lately?

Some possibilities:

  • That report you don’t want to write
  • Your book or blog you’ve been meaning to write
  • The business you’ve been wanting to create for years
  • Your garage you’ve been meaning to declutter
  • That email that’s been sitting in your inbox for a month
  • Going for a run

So what is it you’ve been avoiding? Identify it now before you move on.

In this article, we’ll look at why you’re avoiding it, and how to actually do the thing.

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Do you feel down? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy? Are you critical and judgmental towards yourself? We can help you find the Inner Path that can lead you out of your depression.

Why We Avoid the Thing

We often spend our days doing everything but the hard thing we don’t want to do.

We’ll research something to death instead of actually just doing the thing. We’ll talk about it, read about it, buy all the equipment for it, but not actually do the thing. We’ll do our email, messages, small tasks, and check social media or the news — just real quick! — instead of doing the thing.

Why? We’re protecting ourselves from uncertainty. We don’t want to feel like we don’t know what we’re doing. We don’t want to look stupid. We don’t want to feel overwhelmed, we don’t want to feel like we’re not good enough, we don’t want to feel like a failure or disappointment.

We’re protecting ourselves from feeling that. So we do everything else, out of protection.

And of course, it doesn’t work. Avoiding doing the thing actually just makes us feel more overwhelmed, more like a failure or disappointment, more stupid or not good enough.

Avoidance doesn’t actually work.

So how can we stop avoiding, and actually do the thing?

How to Actually Do the Thing

We do the thing by deciding to do the thing. Like, deciding decisively to do it.

We have to pause for a moment and actually consider that we’re avoiding something – which is what I asked you to do at the beginning. Did you do it then? We usually don’t want to face that fact, so it can help to have someone else to talk to about it, to report to, to commit to. Every day, tell someone what hard thing you’re going to do, and by when. Then report to them the next day, right before you tell them what you’re going to do that day.

Decide to do it, and then don’t waver. Don’t let yourself argue about it. When you decide to do it, just commit and do it.

Do it at a certain time: tell your accountability buddy you’re going to do it at 10am, or whatever works best. Set a reminder. Do it when the reminder goes off.

Psyche yourself up, if it helps. Play some pump-up music, get some tea, clear distractions, and then pour yourself into it. Do a countdown: 5-4-3-2-1 and then do it!

Do it with someone else. Meet someone for a focus session on a video call at a certain time, and tell them what you’re going to do for the next hour, while they tell you when they’re going to do. Set a timer, don’t talk, just work. When the timer goes off, report to each other how it went. Repeat daily. Save these focus sessions for the thing you’re avoiding.

Get into the action habit. The habit of recognizing what you’re avoiding, turning towards it (instead of away from it), and then just starting.

Get small victories. Small victories are incredibly powerful. Avoiding doing a big task? Do 5 minutes of it. Do 10 minutes. Eventually, doing an hour of it will be much easier, but do the smallest possible chunk, and get a victory. Celebrate it! Do a dance, acknowledge yourself. Then get another victory.

With practice, the habit of doing the thing you’re avoiding can become so much easier. Use these techniques to get there.

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

If you’ve decided to read this article, it’s perhaps because you, or someone you know, is trying to heal in the aftermath of a toxic relationship. Or maybe you have been wondering how to leave a toxic relationship and how you will be able to heal.

Whatever drew you to read this article, I want you to know that you are not alone, and that healing from being with someone abusive, is possible.

Let’s start by defining what narcissistic abuse means.

It’s a new term in our colloquial language, and it’s been used more and more to describe people who show a pattern of self-absorption, emotional superficiality, lack of empathy or concern for the needs of others, a high sense of self-Importance, a strong need to be admired and adored, and strong abilities to manipulate others in order to get their needs met. Sound familiar?

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Christiane Blanco-Oilar, Ph.D., ABPP is a Board Certified Counseling Psychologist, specializing in Boca Raton Therapy. Dr. Blanco-Oilar has expertise in helping you through life transitions, grief and loss, intimacy issues, relationship difficulties and in supporting your goal to achieve vibrant relationships with yourself and others. She also provides therapy in Spanish.

Partners or children of those who fit the narcissistic spectrum often have a chronic feeling of not being good enough, they also suffer from self-doubt and spend large amounts of time and energy trying to device ways to change who they are because they feel if they change for their partner, then they will receive love and respect they yearn for. The thing is, that after years of being with a partner or a parent with narcissistic tendencies, we are starved; starved of the experience of feeling lovable and worthy. Because with a narcissist what we do will never be enough, years of being criticized, undermined, minimized, insulted and rejected will chip away at our self-esteem and sense of worth. The result: we become a shell of who we used to be (in the case of years with a narcissistic partner), or if we grew up with a narcissistic parent we simply never were given a chance to develop a sense of self-worth or self-esteem in the first place.

Victims of narcissistic abuse often come to therapy feeling chronically depressed, unable to leave their partner even though they realize the relationship causes them great pain. Or, they come to therapy deeply depressed and/or anxious, riddled with insecurities and engaging in ample self-sabotaging in their lives, in the case of having been raised by a narcissistic parent. All too often victims will blame themselves, will wonder what they can do to change who they are as they believe what they’ve been told for years: that they’re not good enough.

Healing is a process of shifting our perspective.

When we are raised by a narcissistic parent, or after years of being with a narcissistic partner, our entire focus is on our relationship with the narcissist. We are worried almost exclusively about how to please them, how to make them happy, and how to become good enough based on their definitions of what good enough means (which often changes) imposed on us. As such, in order to heal, we have to shift our focus from the narcissist, to ourselves. We all have a relationship with ourselves, similar to the relationships we have with others. When we are in a narcissistic bond, we abandon ourselves completely. We ignore our needs, we abandon our likes, our desires, our preferences, and absorb the narcissist, as this is the only way that a narcissist will last in a relationship: they have to be the center of that relationship. The healing process, thus, will involve a look at the one and only thing we can change in the situation: ourselves. But this time, the change is not about pleasing the narcissist…the change is an internal change veered towards your own needs, your own goals in life, your own Self. This is the hardest because after years of abandoning yourself, you may not know where to even begin. You may have lost sight of, or never had a chance to even find out, your true Self.

It is time to reflect.

What are your values? What are your likes and dislikes? What makes you feel passionate? What are you interested in? What is unique about you? What are you really good at? What inspires you and makes you motivated in life? In those answers, lie the answers to who you are, that no one can take away from you.

Working with your individual therapist can help you find ways to reconnect with yourself, and ways to empower yourself to make decisions in your life that are in line with your values, your preferences, and your own sense of what makes you happy. Therapy can also help you gain insights as to how it is you found yourself in a toxic relationship so you can have more compassion for yourself, and also a better sense of the red flags to look out for your future relationships. Finally, individual therapy can help you establish a healthy relationship with yourself, which will ensure that in the future you will only accept mutually nurturing and healthy relationships with others.

Trauma Therapy, how does it work?

A therapeutic approach in treatment planning has focused on the initial healing of individuals who have survived Post-Traumatic injury. A consultation, and comprehensive assessment of the client can direct that individual to an improved and motivated quality of life journey.

Though the integration of theory, intervention, insight and to multi-cultural awareness, my goal emphasis has been on clients who are dually diagnosed, complex developmental trauma and psychological effects such as secondary trauma, emotional conflicts, self-medication, substance use to recovery and wanting life back.

Claire Vines, PsyD. is Doctor of Psychology, DAPA practicing in Rancho Mirage, CA in the greater Palm Springs area. She specializes in Couples Therapy Virtual Counseling Counseling Rancho Mirage. Contact her today to schedule an appointment.

I apply strategic attachment trauma, TF-CBT, Psychodynamic, EBP, groups and combination approaches to an emotional directed model towards the discovery. Self validation and externalization through forms of creative expression are also applied.Initial consultations identify the presenting issues. Following sessions focus on the deeper pathway to coping, healing and nurturing the authentic self.

Emotional regulation, balance, self-awareness of internal conflicts between thoughts and feelings, can begin to reduce symptoms of acute distress, uncomplicated post traumatic and other factors surrounding anxiety, panic & depression, developed personality disorders such as Borderline, Depersonalization, mood disorders and dissociation.

While we can’t remove traumatic events, we can work together to better manage the reflections of injurious memories. “When you remember a past event, you’re actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself”.

Trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT)

TF-CBT is a components-based treatment model that incorporates trauma-sensitive interventions with cognitive behavioral, family, and humanistic principles and techniques. TF-CBT has proven to be effective in addressing Post-traumatic Stress distress, depression, anxiety, panic, startled responses, externalizing behaviors, sexualized behaviors, feelings of shame, rage, fear and mistrust.

Attachment-Trauma Therapy

Attachment-Trauma Therapy, will treat developmental injuries and complex developmental trauma, formed or maintained negative interpersonal relationships, personality disorders such as Borderline personality, moods dysfunctions such as dissociation, self medication and other paths of destruction related to loss, traumatic events or the witnessing of violence. Self-medication and other paths of destructive self-behavior related to loss, traumatic events or the witnessing of violence.

Trauma Therapy

Trauma Therapy is composed of multidimensional interventions, while the focus is on post-traumatic stress, panic, startled responses, depression and manufactured emotions such as, guilt, embarrassment or shame related to abusive emotional associations of reminders to trauma, distortion of events and a negative view of the self, others and the world.

Claire Vines, PsyD. is Doctor of Psychology, DAPA practicing in Rancho Mirage, CA in the greater Palm Springs area. She specializes in Couples Therapy Virtual Counseling Counseling Rancho Mirage. Contact her today to schedule an appointment.

Author: Claire Vines, PsyD. – Doctor of Psychology, DAPA
Photo: Pexels

What is a website builder?

Looking for a therapist website builder?

Website builders are tools that typically allow the construction of websites without manual code editing. They fall into two categories:

  • online proprietary tools provided by web hosting companies. These are typically intended for users to build their private site. Some companies allow the site owner to install alternative tools (commercial or open-source) — the more complex of these may also be described as content management systems.
  • offline software that runs on a computer, creating pages and which can then publish these pages on any host. (These are often considered to be “website design software”, rather than “website builder”.)

Online website builders

typically require customers to sign up with the web hosting company. Some companies provide examples of fully functional websites made with their website builder. The range of services varies anywhere between creating basic personal web pages or social network content to making complete business and e-commerce websites, either template based or, on the more flexible platforms, totally design free.

The main advantage of an online website builder is that it is quick and easy to use, and often does not require prior experience. Often, a website can be built and be up and running live on the Internet quickly. Technical support is usually provided, as are how-to video and help files.

HTML tools are divided into those that allow editing of the source code and those that only have a WYSIWYG mode.

Offline web builders cater to professional web designers who need to create pages for more than one client or web host. Modern offline web builders are usually both WYSIWYG and allow direct editing of source code and cascading style sheets (CSS) styling. They generally require at least a basic understanding of HTML and CSS. Although they are more flexible than online builders, many proprietary offline website builder software can be expensive, however, there are also many open-source website builders.

The first websites were created in the early 1990s. These sites were manually written in HTML.

Over time, software was created to help design web pages: e.g. Microsoft released FrontPage in November 1995.

By 1998, Dreamweaver had been established as the industry leader; however, some have criticized the quality of the code produced by such software as being overblown and reliant on tables. As the industry moved towards W3C standards, Dreamweaver and others were criticized for not being compliant. Compliance has improved over time, but many professionals still prefer to write optimized markup by hand.

Open source tools were typically developed to the standards and made fewer exceptions for the then-dominant Internet Explorer’s deviations from the standards.

The W3C started Amaya in 1996 to showcase Web technologies in a fully featured Web client. This was to provide a framework that integrated many W3C technologies in a single, consistent environment. Amaya started as an HTML and CSS editor and now supports XML, XHTML, MathML, and SVG.

GeoCities was one of the first more modern site builders that didn’t require any technical skills. Five years after its launch in 1994 Yahoo! purchased it for $3.6 billion. After becoming obsolescent, it was shut down in April 2009.

Looking for a complete and fully supported therapist website builder?

Unstuck: Create a New Path for Yourself

Sometimes it can feel like we’re stuck in life, doing the same things we’re unhappy with, over and over again.

Maybe you’ve been procrastinating on your meaningful work, or getting stuck in indecision or perfectionism. Maybe you’ve been putting off exercise or meditation, getting your finances in good shape, or making some other important change in your life.

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Do you feel down? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy? Are you critical and judgmental towards yourself? We can help you find the Inner Path that can lead you out of your depression.

We get stuck.

I’ve been stuck many times — and it turns out there’s always a way through the stuckness. It’s not turning away from the stuckness, but turning towards it. Going through it. Embracing the stuckness, and letting it unstick itself.

I’m going to talk about a few principles of getting unstuck, and creating a new path for yourself. And then talk about recommendations for changing your habits this year, or getting good at doing your meaningful work.

Ways to Get Unstuck

There’s no one way to do this, but I’ve found some things are incredibly helpful:

Turn towards the difficulty. If you’ve been avoiding thinking about a difficult project, or your messy finances or messy clutter, or your exercise or diet or other health issues … not much will change until you turn towards it and face it. A willingness to turn towards the difficulty and work with it is one of the most important requirements to change.

Make a decision & set an intention. If we want something different to happen, we have to decide to make a change. It’s as simple as that, and yet what happens is we get stuck in an in-between state, where we want to change but we haven’t made a clear decision to do so. A clear decision means we let go of all of the “should I do this or maybe not?” kind of self-talk, and just commit to the decision fully. And then we set an intention: what would we like to do?

Be compassionate with yourself.

When we keep doing the same things over and over again, we can get really down on ourselves. We get disappointed, discouraged, frustrated, and form a negative self-image. Trust me, I know this well! And yet, none of that helps us get unstuck — it only adds to the stuckness. So what would it be like to be kind to ourselves instead? That doesn’t mean we don’t try to change … it just means we stop adding self-discouragement to our list of challenges. Or at least, if we do, we start adding encouragement and compassion.

Do it with others. Most people try to get unstuck and make a change by themselves. This feels safer. But it means you’re doing something tough on your own — which can work sometimes, but often doesn’t work. I’ve found it incredibly powerful and effective to do it with others. Find a group, do a challenge, get accountability, find a wolf pack to run with. You will find that it helps to not be alone, and to get support when you feel like giving up.

Set a time to practice with it, and keep up the practice. It’s funny how often we say we’re going to do something, but then don’t commit to a time. Make a date with yourself to do it. Or make a date with someone else to do it with them! Keep practicing with it, daily if possible, and you’ll see gradual change.

Small victories, slow change, amazing progress. Focus on small victories at first. I told myself I just had to lace up my shoes and get out the door. I increase very gradually. In a year, I went from not being able to run 10 minutes, to running my first marathon. Gradual change equals huge progress over time.

Progress, not perfection. You’re not trying to be perfect at this. You’re trying to trend in the right direction. Missed 4 days of meditation last week? Focus on the 3 days you did do! Keep making progress, and let go of small misses.

These are some of the most helpful things you can bring to any changes you want to make. Now let’s talk about two ways to change your life I’m offering.

Change Your Habits This Year

I’m committed to helping people get good at changing habits this year. If you get good at the skills of changing habits, you can eventually change your entire life.

We’re spending this year practicing habit skills and changing a range of different habits.

Get Good at Doing Meaningful Work

If you’ve been wanting to get good at doing your meaningful work, but feel stuck … I offer a training in getting unstuck and actually taking action.

The Effect of Oxidative Stress on Mental Health

Understanding oxidative stress is important because we are exposed to many environmental and dietary stressors that can contribute to an imbalance in our body that impacts overall health. Oxidative stress is defined as “a disturbance in the balance between the production of reactive oxygen species (free radicals) and antioxidant defenses.” 1 Oxidative stress occurs when your body has an imbalance of antioxidants and free radicals. Free radicals, or reactive oxygen species (ROS), are molecules that contain oxygen and have an uneven electron number, making them highly reactive with other molecules and able to cause large chain chemical reactions. When these reactions occur, they can be either harmful or beneficial.2

Free radicals are created endogenously during the metabolic process. Exogenous causes of free radicals occur from exposure to toxins such as pollutants in the environment, certain drugs, heavy metals, cigarette smoke, certain styles of cooking, radiation, alcohol, and chemical solvents.3 When ROS are formed excessively, it can cause oxidative stress which leads to cell damage and, eventually, cell death. In response to this, cells have a network of antioxidants that scavenge the excess ROS.4

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Sarah Tronco, CMHIMP, is a Philadelphia Nutrition Coach specializing in mental nutrition. Sarah offers individualized mental health nutrition coaching that empowers you to make sustainable changes to improve your overall well-being.

Does Oxidative Stress Affect Mental Health?

The link between oxidative stress and mental health is still being explored, though we know that when the brain has oxidative damage, it causes impairment to the nervous system. Oxidative stress appears to play a role in anxiety disorders, high levels of anxiety, and depression. 5 Animal studies have helped to demonstrate the role of oxidative stress in anxiety-like behaviors. 6 In addition to anxiety and depression, oxidative stress is implicated in mental health issues like schizophrenia and bipolar. 7

Nutrition and Oxidative Stress

Research suggests that diets high in carbohydrates and animal proteins, as well as excessive fat consumption, produces ROS, which subsequently leads to oxidative stress.8 Many healthy foods can help to protect your body from damaging effects of ROS. Incorporating antioxidant rich fruits and vegetables can protect you from cancer as well as reduce mortality, so find ways to incorporate foods rich in vitamin C, beta carotene and vitamin E can help to support your overall health.9

References:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10693912/
https://www.healthline.com/health/oxidative-stress
hindawi.com/journals/omcl/2017/8416763/
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/omcl/2013/956792/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2763246/#:~:text=High%20O2%20consumption%2C%20modest,disorders%20and%20high%20anxiety%20levels
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3964745/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3964745/
https://www.hindawi.com/journals/omcl/2018/9719584/#conclusions
https://www.news-medical.net/health/Foods-that-Reduce-Oxidative-Stress-and-Prevent-Cancer.aspx
Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

Anxiety treatment NYC: How To Help A Child Struggling With Anxiety

Childhood anxiety treatment is one of the most important mental health challenges of our time. One in five children will experience some kind of clinical-level anxiety by the time they reach adolescence, according to Danny Pine, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the National Institute of Mental Health and one of the world’s top anxiety researchers. Pine says that for most kids, these feelings of worry won’t last, but for some, they will — especially if those children don’t get help.

Anxiety Treatment NYC

Carolyn Ehrlich, LCSW specializes in treatment for anxiety. Anxiety is best described as the unhelpful thinking patterns we experience when our mind fixates on threat, uncertainty and negativity. I can provide the tools to help you build resilience during difficult times.

Here are six takeaways that all parents, caregivers and teachers can add to their anxiety toolkits, including information on how anxiety works, how parents can spot it and how to know when it’s time to get professional help.

1. Anxiety is a fear of the future and all its unpredictability.

“The main thing to know about anxiety is that it involves some level of perception about danger,” says Pine, and it thrives on unpredictability. The mind of an anxious child is often on the lookout for some future threat, locked in a state of exhausting vigilance.

We all have some of this hard-wired worry, because we need it. Pine says it’s one of the reasons we humans have managed to survive as long as we have. “Young children are naturally afraid of strangers. That’s an adaptive thing. They’re afraid of separation.”

Full-blown anxiety happens when these common fears get amplified — as if someone turned up the volume — and they last longer than they’re supposed to. Pine says separation anxiety is quite common at age 3, 4 or 5, but it can be a sign of anxiety if it strikes at age 8 or 9. According to research, 11 is the median age for the onset of all anxiety disorders.

A bundle of factors contributes to a child’s likelihood of developing anxiety. Roughly a third to half of the risk is genetic. But environmental factors also play a big part. Exposure to stress, including discord at home, poverty and neighborhood violence, can all lead to anxiety. Research has shown that women are much more likely than men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder over their lifetime and that anxiety, as common as it is, appears to be vastly underdiagnosed and undertreated.

That’s why it’s important for parents, caregivers and teachers to spot it early. Be on the lookout for how long anxious feelings last. A few weeks, Pine says, usually isn’t a cause for concern. “It’s really when it goes into the one- to two-month range — that’s where parents should really start … worrying about it.”

Here’s another red flag: “Are there things that the child really wants to do or needs to be doing, and they can’t do those things?” asks Krystal Lewis, a colleague of Pine’s and a clinical researcher at the National Institute of Mental Health who provides therapy to anxious children. “If you feel you’re hitting a wall in terms of trying to get the child to do those things, that might be another indicator that potentially, you know, we should get some help.”

2. Be on the lookout for the physical signs of anxiety.

The worried feelings that come with anxiety can seem hidden to everyone but the child trapped in the turbulence. That’s why it’s especially important for grown-ups to pay close attention to a child’s behavior and to look for the telltale signs of anxiety in children.

Anna, of Brampton, England, remembers when her 7-year-old son started having trouble at school. (We aren’t using parents’ full names to protect their children’s privacy.)

“He was just coming home and saying his stomach hurt. He was very sick,” Anna says. When she followed up with him to try to get to the root of his stomachache, she says, “he did tell me he was worried about school, and he told me specifically it was a teacher that he was worried about.”

A stomachache, headache or vomiting can all signal anxious feelings, especially as a child gets closer to the source of the anxiety.

“You’ll see that they’ll have a rapid heartbeat. They’ll get clammy, you know, because their heart is racing,” says Rosemarie Truglio, the head of curriculum and content at Sesame Workshop. “They’ll become tearful. That’s another sign. … Anxiety is about what’s going to be happening in the future. So there’s a lot of spinning in their head, which they’re not able to articulate.”

It’s near this point of panic that Pine says a child’s anxiety is most visible: “So you can see it in their face. There is a certain way the eyes might look. You can see it in behavior in general. People tend to either freeze, be inhibited not to do things when they’re anxious, or they can get quite upset. They can pace. They might run away.”

Rachel, of Belgrade, Mont., says her 6-year-old son really doesn’t want to swim or go to their local splash park.

“He just says there’s too many kids in there. And he cries, and I’ve tried to go early in the morning when there’s no one there. I mean, I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve driven by just to see if I could get him out of the car and he won’t. And I’m not going to drag him.”

We heard this from so many parents: My child is terrified to do something that I know won’t hurt them, that they might actually enjoy. What do I do?

3. Before you try to reason with a panicked child, help the child relax.

“You’re not going to be able to move forward until you get them to calm down,” says Sesame’s Truglio. “Because if you can’t calm them down, you can’t even reach them. They’re not listening to your words because they can’t. Their body is taking over, so talking and shouting and saying, ‘You’re going to do this!’ is not very helpful.”

How do you break through this kind of panic? We recommend the Swiss Army knife in the mental health toolkit: deep belly breathing.

Now that you’ve managed to calm down your child, it’s time for some anxiety treatment.

4. Validate your child’s anxiety.

We heard from lots of parents who say they really struggle to know how to respond when their kids worry about unlikely things — especially if the fear is getting in the way of a busy daily routine, maybe a fun family outing or sleep.

“She comes down. It’s 2 a.m. And she wakes me up,” says Amber, of Huntsville, Ala., about her 8-year-old daughter. “And she said, ‘I don’t want to go away to college. I want to live at home for college.’ And it’s 2 a.m. … That’s when I really have to filter and not say, ‘That is ridiculous. This is not a big deal!’ ”

Amber’s filtered response was exactly right, says Truglio. Never dismiss a child’s worries, no matter how irrational they may seem. A parent’s priority, she says, should be “validating your child’s feelings and not saying, ‘Oh, you know, buck up. You can do this!’ That’s not helpful.”

Lewis, of the National Institute of Mental Health, has language for parents who in the moment may feel frustrated by a child’s behavior:

” ‘I know that you’re feeling uncomfortable right now. I know these are scary feelings.’ You want to personify the anxiety, and so you can almost say, ‘You know what, we know that this is our worry brain.’ ”

Lewis says it’s crucial that children feel heard and respected. Even if you’re pretty certain aliens aren’t going to take over the planet tomorrow, if your child is worried about it, you need to let your child know that you respect that fear.

5. Help your child face their anxiety.

This is the fine line every parent, caregiver and teacher must walk with a child struggling with anxiety. You must respect the child’s fear, but that does not mean giving in to the fear.

“I think our initial reaction when we see an anxious child is to help them and protect them and not to push them or encourage them to do the things that they’re afraid of,” Pine says. But, he adds, one of the things researchers have learned from years of studying anxiety in children is “how important it is to face your fears.”

This might be hard for some parents to hear, but we heard it from every expert we interviewed. As to why it’s important to face your fears, Lewis says, “the more that you avoid or don’t do certain things, it’s almost implicitly teaching the child that there is a reason to be anxious or afraid if we’re not doing the things that are difficult. It’s sending this message that, ‘Oh well, there is potentially a dangerous component to this.’ ”

So it’s important, Lewis says, “that children understand that things are gonna be difficult in life. Things can be scary. We can do them. … I tell some of my patients, ‘You can feel scared. That’s OK. We’re gonna do it anyway.’ ”

And Truglio agrees. While we do have to validate our kids’ feeling of fearfulness, she says, “we can’t always give in to this feeling. … You need to push them a little bit. And there’s this fine line: You can’t push so far, because that’s going to break them, right? They’re going to fall apart even more.”

How do we grown-ups find that fine line?

6. Build confidence with a baby-step plan.

Helping kids come up with a plan to face their fears is Lewis’ job. It’s called cognitive behavioral therapy, and a big part of that is exposure therapy.

Lewis says she once worked with an 8-year-old who was terrified of vomiting.

“We did a lot of practice, which included buying vomit spray off Amazon and vomit-flavored jelly beans,” she recalls. “We listened to all types of fun vomit sounds using YouTube video. We did a lot of practicing up to the point where we created fake vomit, and we were in the bathroom and just pretending to vomit.”

And Lewis says that baby step after baby step, the girl made important progress.

“One of her peers had vomited in the classroom. And she comes into session, and she was just like, ‘Someone vomited in my class, and I ran to the corner of the classroom’ and was just like, ‘I didn’t leave the classroom!’ … She was very proud of the progress she was making. In the past, she would have run out of the classroom to the counselor’s office and then missed school for, like, the next week.”

Lewis says parents can use rewards to celebrate their kids when they make progress — think small but meaningful rewards like letting your child pick dinner that night or the movie for family movie night.

BY COREY TURNER

IMAGE BY Lindsey Balbierz

A Guide to the Basic Anxiety and Depression of Life

Underlying much of what we do is an uncertainty, an anxiety, a fear, doubts, dissatisfaction, and ultimately depression.

And we react to these anxieties, dissatisfaction and uncertainty in so many unhelpful ways: we seek distraction, we eat unhealthy food, we procrastinate, we get caught in a cycle of anxiety and unhappiness, we lash out at others, we dwell in our loneliness, and then we get in denial about it all and become depressed.

Depression Treatment Raleigh
Do you feel down? Have you lost interest in things you used to enjoy? Are you critical and judgmental towards yourself? We can help you find the Inner Path that can lead you out of your depression.

If we could learn to deal with the basic anxiety of life, we would have much more ease and less struggle.

The Anxiety Underneath Our Problems

On Twitter, I asked people to share a problem they’d like me to write about, the problems were all very difficult, but the basic anxiety of life was the undercurrent to all of them.

Each one has an external problem, with the undercurrent of anxiety, fears or uncertainty underneath the external problem. Let’s take a look at a few:

Feeling of being left out, lack of belonging: We can all relate to this feeling of not belonging. Externally, the problem is not finding people you connect with, not having that connection in your daily life. But on top of that, we add the anxiety/dissatisfaction of feeling like we’re left out and don’t belong. This is normal, but it’s good to notice.

Finding your passion, optimizing potential: The external problem is that you are in a job you’re not passionate about. On top of that is the anxiety/dissatisfaction of not finding that passion, of feeling like we’re not optimizing our potential. We can all relate to this too!

The phase of anxiety before big changes occur: The external issue is that we’re facing a big change, and then because it’s a situation filled with great uncertainty, we feel anxiety about it.

Beginning/purchasing self improvement books/classes/plans and not using them: The external problem is not finding the time or energy to use materials you’ve bought, but we add to that an anxiety about ourselves not living up to our potential, not taking advantage of opportunities, not doing what we hoped we’d do. I think we can all relate to this.

Addiction to social media, videos and cell phone: The external problem is the distractions that keep pulling our attention. But the anxiety is that we feel addicted and feel something is wrong with us for not being less distracted. In addition, the addiction is probably a coping mechanism for dissatisfaction with the moment in front of us, or anxieties in other parts of life.

PTSD — Post Trump Stress Disorder: A lot of people are coping from dissatisfaction with the political scene right now, no matter what your views on the president might be. There’s the external situation of what’s going on, and then we add our dissatisfaction, anxieties about uncertainty, frustration and anger.

Depression – Sometimes feel helpless & empty for a reason I can’t identify. Only time makes that go away but I feel that time was wasted: There’s probably an external situation that’s causing a feeling of uncertainty, anxiety, dissatisfaction and/or helplessness. But the real problem is the feelings about it all, the uncertainty and anxiety about it all, and the anxiety about wasting the time it takes to get over it.

Getting over breakups: The external problem (end of a relationship) is overshadowed by the pain, dissatisfaction, anxiety that follow the breakup. We might have frustration and anxiety about wanting it not to have ended, about not wanting to be alone, about how we feel about ourselves after being dumped, about how the other person acted.
I think we can all relate to these problems, to not only the external situation but the reactions that we have.

There’s a fundamental anxiety and dissatisfaction that runs through the human condition, about whatever we’re experiencing in life, about other people and about ourselves.

So how do we deal with it all?

Where Does Basic Anxiety Come From?
It’s good to start by recognizing why we have this basic anxiety. It’s caused by:

Uncertainty about life, about the current situation, about people
Wanting certainty, stability when life isn’t stable or certain
Dissatisfaction with the above facts — which is also dissatisfaction with our situation, ourselves, and others.

If you sit right now for 5-10 minutes and just pay attention to your breath, you’ll likely notice the fundamental anxiety, it results in wanting to stop paying attention to the breath, wanting the meditation to be over, wanting to get on with the tasks of life, wanting distraction, thinking that the exercise is stupid, wanting to think about problems you have.

But instead of running from this anxiety, instead of getting away from it into thinking about problems or getting out of the meditation, what if we just stayed with it and paid attention to it?

If we can get in touch with this fundamental anxiety that we suffer through in life, we can start to work with it.

Learning to Deal with Basic Anxiety and Depression

Instead of running from the anxiety and depression, instead of trying to cope by using distractions, food, shopping, alcohol, drugs, we’re going to find the courage to face it, with a smile.

Here’s how to work with it:

Face the physical feeling. Drop out of the story that’s spinning around in your head, that’s causing the anxiety. Instead, just be mindful of how your body feels. What does the anxiety feel like, and where in your body is it located?

Stay with it & be curious about it. Don’t run, just stay with the physical feeling. Instead of rejecting it and wanting it to stop, just open up to it and see it with curiosity. What does it feel like? Does it change? What kind of reaction does your mind have to the feeling?

Smile at it. Develop a feeling of friendliness towards the physical sensation of this anxiety. See it as one of the fundamental realities of your existence, and learn to be friends with it. See this as a chance to work with something that will be with you for your entire life, an opportunity to get comfortable with this discomfort. If you can do that, you’ll need your coping mechanisms a lot less.

Open to a bigger space. Our normal way of relating to this feeling is wanting to reject it, because we’re stuck in a small-minded, self-centered way of seeing it (I say this without judgment, it’s just something we do). Instead, we can start to touch the wide-open space of our minds, like a big blue sky, not a small space but expansive. In this open space, we can hold the anxiety like a cloud against the backdrop of the blue sky, but not be lost in the cloud. We can see the anxiety but also see that like a cloud, it’s temporary, it’s not that solid, it’s not all-encompassing, and it’s just floating by. This wide-open space of our mind is always available to us.

It’s that simple, and yet it’s not always easy. Sometimes the anxiety we feel is small, just a bit of tightness in our chest once we investigate it. But sometimes it’s quite big, a looming depression or a manic energy that we just can’t tolerate. So face it in small doses, just for a minute, just for a moment. Then let yourself run. Continue to work with it in small, tolerable doses until you start to trust that you’ll be OK if you face it and smile at it.

Once we start to touch on this anxiety and depression, face it with courage, stay with it like a good friend would, we start to realize it’s not so bad. It’s just something that comes up, like a ripple in a pond, like a breeze in a field, and it will go away. We don’t need to panic, we don’t need to run, we can relax, invite it to tea, and see that nothing else is required. Instead, we stay, we give it love, and see that this place of uncertainty we’re in is absolutely perfect as it is.